Hollywood Squares

Tom Bergeron:
Recently on Live with Regis and Kelly, Kelly Ripa started a club called "Rip-heads". What are "Rip-heads"?

Martin Mull:
Rip-heads are people who couldn't get into Mensa if you spotted them 200 points.

Tom Bergeron:
First, he was Prince. Then, he was The Artist Formerly Known As Prince. After that, he was simply The Artist. What is he known as now?

Simon Cowell:
The Artist Who Formerly Sold Records.

Jeffrey Tambor:
Well, it's a good thing you asked me this question. Because I was a history major in high school.

Tom Bergeron:
Really?

Jeffrey Tambor:
No.

[immediate and repeated response to contestants guessing incorrectly during a marathon first match]

Teller, Regular:
YOU FOOL!

[Jeffrey Tambor has just received a tennis question]

Jeffrey Tambor:
You know, this is interesting, because I used to be a tennis coach.

Tom Bergeron:
Really?

Jeffrey Tambor:
[shakes his head] No.

[In the bonus round, the contestant narrows his choices down to two keys and picks the wrong one]

Tom Bergeron:
Well, as you know... hold on.

[Tom walks over and takes a cue card from the grip]

Tom Bergeron:
They actually had to show me this.

[Tom shows the audience the cue card]

Tom Bergeron:
"Show him the correct key." IT'S THE ONE HE DIDN'T PICK.

Tom Bergeron:
A $50,000 Gulfstream jet is the most expensive thing purchased using what?

Guest Appearance:
Dollars?

Tom Bergeron:
When spelled out in Scrabble tiles, which is worth more points? "Tom Bergeron" or "sex machine"?

Tom Bergeron:
What should you do about a hairy back?

Gilbert Gottfried:
I usually close my eyes and imagine she's wearing an alpaca sweater.

Tom Bergeron:
So what do you do for a living?

Contestant:
I teach ESL, English as a Second Language

Tom Bergeron:
So what do you teach?

Tom Bergeron:
[It is the end of the main game of the show, and it is time count the number of squares each contestant earned in this round] Let's count up our squares. Now Brianna, you have two which gives you a thousand dollars and our thanks for being here on Hollywood Squares. [shakes hands as audience applauds skeptically and Whoopi Goldberg has a puzzled look on her face, as Brianna's podium shows that she has won another thousand dollars from a previous game] You look stunned! [turns to other contestant] Now Alan, you've added three squares to your total, that gives you... [off-stage crew begins yelling 'hold it!' and confusion ensues before Bergeron realizes his mistake] Oh she won! [bursts into laughter as audience and panelists laugh and applaud] I guess that Emmy nomination's shot to sh*t right now!

Tom Bergeron:
[the final question asked on the series] What is New Holland blue and sits on the White House lawn?

Martin Mull:
It is a flower, a tulip I believe.

Martin Mull, Contestant:
I agree

Tom Bergeron:
No, it's the tractor that mows the White House lawn. [horn honks]

Tom Bergeron:
[the final question asked on the series] What is New Holland blue and sits on the White House lawn?

Martin Mull:
It is a flower, a tulip I believe.

Contestant:
I agree

Tom Bergeron:
No, it's the tractor that mows the White House lawn.

Tom Bergeron:
True or False: In Minnesota, a Doritos bag of chips was opened and they found marijuana in the bag.

Danny Bonaduce:
[scoffs] Hey, Leif. They found your chips.