Home Alone

Kev:
This is my house, I have to defend it.

Kevin:
You guys give up, or are you thirsty for more?

Marv:
Kids are scared of the dark.

Harry:
You're afraid of the dark, too, Marv.

Kev:
Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?

Clerk:
Well, I don't know. It doesn't say, hon.

Kev:
Well could you please find out?

Kev:
This house is so full of people it makes me sick. When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone.

Kev:
I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including in between my toes and in my belly button which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can't seem to find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I'm in good shape.

Marv:
He's only a kid Harry. We can take him.

Kev:
Can I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep on the hide-a bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.

Buzz McCallister:
I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass.

Kate McCallister:
How could we do this? We forgot him.

Peter McCallister:
We didn't forget him. We just miscounted.

Kate McCallister:
What kind of a mother am I?

Frank McCallister:
If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses.

Gangster 'Johnny':
Who is it?

Pizza Boy:
It's Little Nero's, sir. I have your pizza.

Gangster 'Johnny':
Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here.

Pizza Boy:
Okay. (leaves the pizza on the doormat) But what about the money?

Gangster 'Johnny':
What money?

Pizza Boy:
(matter-of-factly but sarcastically) Well, you have to pay for your pizza, sir.

Gangster 'Johnny':
Is that a fact. How much do I owe ya?

Pizza Boy:
Uh...That'll be $11.80, sir.

(Kevin drops $12 from the dog door)

Gangster 'Johnny':
Keep the change, ya filthy animal.

Pizza Boy:
Cheapskate.

(starts to leave, but is stopped by Johnny's next line)

Gangster 'Johnny':
Hey, I'm gonna give you to the count of ten, to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead! 1, 2, 10!

(machine gun fire; the delivery boy dashes back to his car and speeds away)

Kevin McCallister:
(opens the door and brings the pizza inside) A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.

Mitch Murphy:
Hi, I'm Mitch Murphy. I live across the street. You guys going out of town? We're going to Orlando, Florida. Well, actually, first we're going to Missouri to pick up my grandma. Did you know the McCallisters are going to France? Do you know if it's cold there? Do these vans get good gas mileage?

Airport Driver:
Gee, kid, I don't know. Hit the road.

Peter McCallister:
The only flying that I ever did as a kid was in the family station wagon. It wasn't to France. We used to have to go over to Aunt Laura and Uncle Arthur's house.

Harry:
Where did he go?

Marv:
Maybe he committed suicide.

Kev:
I'm over here you big horse's ass, come and get me before I call the police.

Kev:
A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.

Kev:
For the kids.

Kate McCallister:
no, he's just home alone.

Kev:
Did anyone order me a plain cheese?

Buzz McCallister:
Yeah we did, but if you want any someones gonna have to barf it all up cuz' it's gone.

Kate McCallister:
Where are the passports and tickets?

Peter McCallister:
I put them in the microwave to dry em' off.

Kate McCallister:
Heather, did you count heads?

Heather:
Eleven, including me. Five boys, six girls, four parents, two drivers, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Megan:
You're not at all worried that something might happen to Kevin?

Buzz McCallister:
No, for three reasons: A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we use smoke detectors and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.

Kate McCallister:
Kevin, get upstairs right now.

Kev:
Why?

Jeff:
Kevin, you're such a disease.

Kev:
Shut up.

Peter McCallister:
Kevin, upstairs.

Kate McCallister:
Say good night, Kevin.

Kev:
"Good night Kevin."

Buzz McCallister:
KEVIN. What did you do to my room?

Kevin McCallister:
Mom, Uncle Frank won't let me watch the movie but the big kids can. Why can't I?

Kate McCallister:
Kevin, I'm on the phone.

Kevin McCallister:
It's not even rated R. He's just being a jerk.

Kate McCallister:
Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no then it must be really bad.

Peter McCallister:
Hey did you by any chance pick up a voltage adapter thing?

Kate McCallister:
No, I didn't have time to do that.

Peter McCallister:
Well how am I supposed to shave in France?

Kate McCallister:
Grow a goatee.

Kev:
I don't know how to pack a suit case. I've never done this once in my whole life.

Jeff:
Tough.

Kev:
That's what Megan said.

Megan:
What did I say?

Jeff:
You told Kevin "tough".

Megan:
The dope was whining about a suit case. What was I supposed to do? Shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?

Harry:
Hi.

Brook:
Hi.

Harry:
Are your parents home?

Brook:
Yeah.

Harry:
Do they live here?

Brook:
No.

Harry:
No. Why should they? All kids. No parents. Probably a fancy orphanage.

Rod:
Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?

Buzz McCallister:
He just ate a whole load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple of weeks. Say isn't it true that French babes don't shave their pits?

Rod:
Some don't.

Buzz McCallister:
But they got nude beaches?

Rod:
Not in the winter.

Peter McCallister:
Hi.

Harry:
Hi. Are you Mr. McCallister?

Peter McCallister:
Yeah.

Harry:
The Mr. McCallister who lives here?

Peter McCallister:
Yes.

Pizza Boy:
Oh good, because somebody owes me $122.50.

Kev:
Santa, hold on. Can I talk to you for a second?

Kev:
Okay. I know you're not the real Santa Claus.

Kev:
This is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. No toys, nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linnie and Jeff. And my aunt and my cousins. And if he has time, my Uncle Frank. Okay?

Check-Out Woman:
Are you here all by yourself?

Kev:
Ma'am, I'm 8 years old. You think I would be here ALONE? I don't think so.

Kate McCallister:
PETER!

Kate McCallister:

Kev:
Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!

Harry:
I think we're getting scammed by a kindergartener.

Peter McCallister:
Think positive Frank!

Kev:
So give it a shot, for your granddaughter anyway. I'm sure she misses you and the presents.

Marley:
I send her a check.

Kev:
I wish my grandparents did that. They always send me clothes. Last year I got a sweater with a big bird knitted on it.

Marley:
That's nice.

Kev:
Not for a guy in the second grade. You can get beat up for wearing something like that. Yeah, I had a friend who got nailed because there was a rumor he wore dinosaur pajamas.

Kev:
Everybody in this family hates me!

Kate McCallister:
Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.

Kev:
I don't want another family. I don't want any family. Families suck!

Kate McCallister:
Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.

Kev:
I don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't want to see anybody else either.

Kate McCallister:
I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.

Kev:
No I wouldn't.

Kate McCallister:
Then say it again. Maybe it will happen.

Kev:
I hope that I never see any of you jerks again!

Kev:
Buzz?

Buzz McCallister:
Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?

Linnie McCallister:
I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.

Jeff:
Shut up, Linnie.

Kev:
You know what I should pack?

Jeff:
Toilet paper and water.

Linnie McCallister:
Listen, Kevin, what are you so worried about? You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway. You're what the French call "les incompetents".

Kev:
What?

Harry:
Why the hell did you take your shoes off?

Marv:
Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken?

Kev:
In the car.

Kev:
He's at work.

Kev:
I'm an only child.

Kev:
I can't tell you that.

Kev:
Because you're a stranger.

Kev:
Shut up.

Kate McCallister:
There are 15 people in this house, you're the only one who has to make trouble.

Kev:
I'm the only one getting dumped on.

Kate McCallister:
You're the only one acting up. Now get upstairs.

Kev:
I am upstairs, dummy.

Kev:
Buzz! Your girlfriend! Woof!

Kev:
Hey, I'm not afraid anymore! I said I'm not afraid anymore! Do you hear me? I'm not afraid anymore!

Harry:
You bomb me with one more can, kid, and I'll snap off your cajones and boil them in motor oil!

Peter McCallister:
Honey the pizza boy need $122 dollars plus tip.

Kate McCallister:
For pizza?

Peter McCallister:
Ten pizzas times twelve bucks!

Aunt Leslie:
Frank you've got money don't you?

Frank McCallister:
Travlers checks.

Kate McCallister:
Forget it Frank. We have cash.

Peter McCallister:
You probably have the kind of travlers checks that don't work in France.

Kevin:
The third floor?

Kate:
Go.

Kevin:
It's scary up there.

Kate:
Don't be silly. Fuller'll be up in a little while.

Kevin:
I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. You know about him. He wets the bed. He'll pee all over me. I know it!

Kate:
Fine. We'll put him somewhere else.

Kevin:
I made my family disappear! [has a flashback to what his family told him the night before]

Megan:
Kevin, you're completely helpless.

Linnie:
You know, Kevin, you're what the French call les incompétents.

Buzz:
Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.

Jeff:
Kevin, you are such a disease!

Kate:
There are 15 people in this house, and you're the only one who has to make trouble.

Frank:
Look what you did, you little jerk!

Kevin:
[smiles] I made my family disappear.

[the McCallisters hurriedly head out of the house for the vans to the airport]

Frank:
There's no way on Earth we're gonna make this plane. It leaves in 45 minutes!

Peter:
Think positive, Frank!

Frank:
You be positive. I'll be realistic.

Johnny:
Who is it?

Snakes:
It's me, Snakes. I got the stuff.

Johnny:
Leave it on the doorstep, and get the hell outta here.

Snakes:
All right, Johnny. But what about my money?

Johnny:
What money?

Snakes:
Acey said ya had some dough for me.

Johnny:
Is that a fact? How much do I owe ya?

Snakes:
Acey said 10%.

Johnny:
Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more.

Snakes:
Whattaya mean?

Johnny:
He's upstairs, takin' a bath. He'll call you when he gets out. Hey! I tell ya what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. [pulls out his Tommy Gun] I'm gonna give you to the count of ten, to get your ugly, yellow, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full o' lead!

Snakes:
[about to leave] All right, Johnny. I'm sorry. I'm goin'!

Johnny:
1... 2... 10! [opens fire at Snakes and laughs maniacally] Keep the change, ya filthy animal.

KEVIN:
COME AND GET ME YOU BIG HORSES ASS

[last lines]

Kevin:
This is ridiculous. Only a wimp would be hiding under a bed. I can’t be a wimp. I’m the man of the house.

[goes outside to prove he’s not afraid]

Kevin:
Hey! I’m not afraid anymore! I said, I’m not afraid anymore! Do you hear me? I’m not afraid anymore.

[Before he knows it, he spots Old Man Marley with the garbage and the shovel]

Kevin:
AAAH! AAAAAA! AAAH! AAAA! AAAAAH! ARRRRGHHHH!

[Kevin suddenly spots Old Man Marley, while pulling out money from his jacket pocket, suddenly walks away from the counter]

Drug Store Clerk:
Oh, hon, you pay for that here. Wait, son, you have to pay for that toothbrush. Son? Son!

[Runs away from drugstore, frightened]

Drug Store Clerk:
HEY! Jamie, stop that boy!

You Guys Give Up, Or Ya’ Thirsty For More.

Kevin:
All right! Buzz's live savings.

Kevin:
Oh, no! I'm very scared!

Harry:
[to Kevin] It's too late for you, kid! We're already in the house! I'm gonna get you!

Harry:
Hiya, pal. We outsmarted you this time. Get over here!

Marv:
What are we gonna do him, Harry?!

Harry:
We'll do exactly what we did to us. I'm gonna burn his head with his blowtorch.

Marv:
Then we can smash his face with an iron!

Harry:
I'd like to slap him right in the face with a paint can, maybe!

Marv:
Or shove a nail through his foot!

Harry:
The first thing I'm gonna do is bite off every one of those little fingers, one at a time. [Marv laughs but gets whacked by a shovel and Harry gets whacked by a shovel]

Old Man Marley:
Come on, let's get you home. [sirens wailing outside]

Kevin:
Wow, this is great.

Officer 1:
Nice move. Always leavin' the water running. Now we know each and every house that you guys have hit.

Officer 2:
Yeah, you know, we've been looking for you two guys for a long time.

Marv:
Yeah, well, remember, we're the Wet Bandits. Wet Bandits. That's W-E-T--

Harry:
Shut up! Shut up! Get in the car! Hands off the head, pal!

Officer 1:
Come on!

[Kevin waves goodbye and smirks as the police car drives way with Marv and Harry in it]

Kevin Mccallister:
I made my family disappear.

Kevin Mccallister:
Did anyone order me plain cheese?