Horrible Histories Gory Games

Dave:
You promised you were going to behave yourself!

Rattus:
I had my tail crossed behind my back!

Dave:
That's a bad one!

Rattus:
Pig piano - part musical instrument, part Sunday lunch!

Rattus:
Faced with a river of fire, I bet there was a river of poo!

Dave:
Rattus!

Rattus:
If a wig goes bald, do you need a wig for it?

Dave:
Answers on a postcard, and send them to The Rat, No fixed abode, The Sewer.

Rattus:
It would be embarrassing if the Vikings lost to a load of monks. Like when you lost an arm wrestle to a rat.

Dave:
Don't know what you're talking about!

Rattus:
[Indicating the excrement filled fish being 'awarded' as the prize] Maybe it's just me, but I've always found fish a little bit bland.

[Rattus wants the contestants to remove his tapeworm as part of a warm up game]

Dave:
We are not having tapeworm extractions on my show!

[Dave reveals that the dresses worn by posh Georgian ladies were so big that doorways had to be enlarged to allow them through, promting Rattus to look off-set]

Rattus:
[as a posh lady] Does my bum look big in this? Yes? Good

Dave:
[During the flea and lice catching game] Rattus, you must love this game.

Rattus:
I do love it. I love this game for a whole myriad of reasons! My fleas are only a couple of millimetres across, whereas these fleas are, in fact, HUMUNGUS!

Dave:
Yes. These fleas have, of course, been fed quite a lot of human growth hormone, in order to get them to the size required for this game - not strictly legal, but it's something we enjoy!

Rattus:
I wonder if the contestants want to catch some of my bugs? They're small but perfectly formed!

Dave:
and they're absolutely disgusting, Rattus - don't you go near the contestants with them!

[Dave reveals the Victorian device in his hand was for peeling peaches]

Rattus:
Alternatively, you could leave them to rot for a couple of weeks and suck them up with a straw. Delish!

Dave:
if you're a rat!

Rattus:
[as William Buckland] I have eaten many strange things, but I have never eaten the heart of a king before!

Dave:
Nor I, to my knowledge - but who knows what meat they actually put in a hot dog, eh?

Rattus:
Can I use your Jacuzzi?

Dave:
It's not a Jacuzzi, it's a toilet!

Rattus:
I know but can I anyway?

Dave:
[pause] Help yourself!

[Dave reveals that a magpie's beak was used in the Middle Ages as a cure for toothache]

Rattus:
Dave doesn't need a cure! [laughs] He's got false teeth! [Gaffaws]

Dave:
Okay, you're on a final warning now!

Rattus:
Again?

Dave:
Yep, again.

[a Lord in the Middle Ages was once punished for failing to report one of the king's hawks on his roof by having 6 ounces of flesh taken from his chest and fed to the bird]

Rattus:
That made even me feel queasy!

Dave:
Hold it in. I don't want to see any sick on the table!

Dave:
If you want instructions on how to make a pig piano, I'll report you to the RSPCA! I will do it. Don't test me on this!

Rattus:
[Commentating on the Viking game] I said it would be good if they had to duck flying Viking axes as well!

Dave:
I remember, I was at that meeting.

Rattus:
They didn't go for it.

Dave:
No, they didn't!

Dave:
When Lindensfarn was attacked, the monks managed to get away with one of their most holy relics - the body of St Cuthbert. They carried it around for seven years, to make sure the Vikings didn't get hold of it!

Rattus:
Uh, I've been carrying someone for years, too!

Dave:
Are you saying you've been carrying me because I'm not up to the job?

Rattus:
No! I was talking about Marcus, my flea - though, now you mention it...

Dave:
Our prize is unlike the prizes on any other gameshow - which is a shame, because it's some old rubbish the rat has dragged out of the time sewer! What have we got today, Rattus?

Rattus:
Well, you certainly can't say that this prize is pointless - in fact, it couldn't have more of a point if it tried! Yeah, it's the tip of a Roman Gladiator's spear! Roman ladies believe d it was good luck to comb their hair with the spear of a dead Gladiator!

Dave:
Exactly how does combing your hair with a spear constitute good luck?

Rattus:
Well, it does if you've always wished for hair that's matted with congealed Gladiator blood!

Dave:
I'm Dave Lamb. You may have heard me on Come Dine with Me.

Rattus:
I'm Rattus Rattus. You may have heard me rooting through your bins.

Rattus:
[Dave lifts the lid on the pot containing the fish dish for the warm up game, and recoils from the smell] I should have said - the fish has to be completely rotten!

Rattus:
It's subtle and delicate.

Dave:
Really?

Rattus:
Well, it's subtle and delicate if you live in a sewer!

Dave:
If you win, you will receive a magnificent prize.

Rattus:
Chosen by me!

Dave:
Alright, maybe not a magnificent prize, but a prize nonetheless.

Dave:
During William the Conqueror's funeral, the servants stole his treasure, and the church burnt down. Apart from that, it went rather well!

Dave:
You must have done some thieving in your time, Rattus.

Rattus:
I don't know what you mean, Dave! I have never stolen anything in my life!

Dave:
Queen Victoria developed a fear of bishops as a child, and it lasted into adulthood.

Rattus:
I have an irrational fear too - of soap and water!

[It is revealed that Victorian animal lover,Baron Rothschild, never put a bow tie on a lion]

Dave:
You fancy putting a bow tie on a lion, Rat?

Rattus:
No, not really!

Rattus:
[On hearing that the Victorian road speed limit was 4MPH] Victorian Top Gear would have been very boring - the track record would have been 2 hours!

Rattus:
[On discovering that John Idiot was a real Victorian name] RR; Did he have a descendent called Dave Idiot? [Dave glares at Rattus] Just asking, just asking!

Rattus:
I hate mice, with their short tails and their long whiskers!

Dave:
Have you looked in the mirror recently?

Dave:
[Spotting Rattus with his head in a plastic sweet jar] Have you been eating my jelly beans again?

Rattus:
What gave you that idea?

Dave:
Just the fact you have your head stuck in the jar!

Rattus:
What, this? Oh, no, I er, I'm training to be an astronaut!

Dave:
[Leans closer to Rattus] Well, I'll happily boot you into space if I catch you eating my sweeties!