Hotel Babylon

Rebecca Mitchell:
[about Tanya who has a black eye, due to a run in with a guest] Good God what happened to her?

Charlie Edwards:
One of the guests attacked her

Rebecca Mitchell:
Which guest? [long pause] Was there anything broken?

Charlie Edwards:
Maybe her jaw.

Rebecca Mitchell:
No I mean fixtures and fittings, do we have a viable insurance claim? [Tanya starts speaking Serbo Croat]

Rebecca Mitchell:
Do we need a translator for this? My Serbo Croat isn't very strong.

Charlie Edwards:
[to Tanya] In English.

Tanya Mihajlov:
I do nothing she attack me!

Charlie Edwards:
Ok Tanya, from the beginning.

Tanya Mihajlov:
I go into room to turn down beds, I knock first, no talkback I go in and she, B*tch is putting the powder over her face.

Rebecca Mitchell:
Over her face? You mean applying makeup.

Tanya Mihajlov:
No the powder [mimics sniffing cocaine up her nose] like a vacuum cleaner, Silly cow drop it on the floor and she go Vin Diesel on me!

Rebecca Mitchell:
Yes thank you Tanya I think we've got the picture now [Tanya leaves the room, still speaking Serbo Croat].

Rebecca Mitchell:
I want you to be as thorough as possible Miss Merchant, any bottle or napkin that can't be accounted for I want to know about it [hands her keys]

Helen Merchant:
Before I start a job I always ask a question, Do you trust your staff?

Rebecca Mitchell:
Well I used to

Helen Merchant:
Then you've been naive, in my experience people are generally bad, they lie, they steal, they copulate.

Rebecca Mitchell:
I'm not sure I should judge them on that

Helen Merchant:
A sin is a sin Miss Mitchell, as well as the audit would you like me to set any traps?

Rebecca Mitchell:
Traps?

Helen Merchant:
I could stick an extra case of wine behind the bar, some steaks in the fridge, see where it ends up in the next audit.

Nina Bailey:
[to a group of prostitutes walking out of the lobby] That's right keep walking! Back to the filthy London gutters you just crawled out of!

Jackie Clunes:
So what made you want to be the concierge?

Tony Casemore:
From when I was little, definitely the uniform.

Jackie Clunes:
Really?

James Schofield:
[referring to a couple of competition winners who are sitting in the bar eating free snacks] Two glasses of cheap house white, three bowls of free crisps and two bowls of spicy nut muxture, unbelieveable!

Gino Primirola:
These people are poor James, they were not born with the silver spoon of the Queen in the mouth.

James Schofield:
If they can't afford to be here Gino then they shouldn't be here at all!

Gino Primirola:
You do not know what it is like to suffer do you? Me I am from humble beginnings, from the slums of Rome.

James Schofield:
What's the betting they don't want to eat in-house?

Gino Primirola:
These people cannot afford to eat in this house, but they would love to!

James Schofield:
These people want something for nothing Gino, and I can assure you, they are not going to get away with it! [lifts menus and starts heading towards couple]

James Schofield:
Sir, Madam, if you would like to come with me, your table's ready.

[Gino tries out some role play on Charlie]

Gino Primirola:
Its great to see you again

Charlie Edwards:
[winks] Thanks Gino, it's great to see you

Gino Primirola:
...That's a nice tie

Charlie Edwards:
This one? It's old

Gino Primirola:
...have you lost weight?

Charlie Edwards:
Atkins

Gino Primirola:
...I like your mouth

Ben Trueman:
Whoa! Ok, that's... we may just have to pull back a little there

Tony Casemore:
I'm confused - do you actually WANT to sleep with this guy?

Gino Primirola:
[to Ben] I thought you said compliments were good?

Ben Trueman:
Compliments, yes, but you're getting into a whole new territory there

Charlie Edwards:
Though to be fair, I have got quite a nice mouth

Carrie Cottan:
I'm just glad Milo told me that you bat for the other side before I made even more of a tit of myself

Charlie Edwards:
[confused] "Milo?

Carrie Cottan:
The barman

[Gino hides as Charlie looks across]

Carrie Cottan:
I probably shouldn't have mentioned it, he said you like to keep it quiet. Don't worry I won't say anything. It's quite a relief actually - when you didn't seem interested I thought I was losing my touch

Charlie Edwards:
[deadpan] Well, I'm glad it's out in the open

Carrie Cottan:
I'm doing an appearance in G.A.Y in a few weeks. You should come along. I could get you some free tickets

Charlie Edwards:
Sounds sensational... I can polish off my leather hotpants

Carrie Cottan:
bring Ben. By the way - by the way, he's gorgeous - you two make a lovely couple

Charlie Edwards:
Yes... Ben is very... special... to me

Charlie Edwards:
Have you any idea why Carrie Cottan might think that I'm gay?

Gino Primirola:
[laughs] You? Gay! No, no - maybe she crazy! Or maybe it's your shirt - if you don't mind me saying, it's a little bit girly

Charlie Edwards:
It's a strange thing because I think you might have actually told her that

Gino Primirola:
Me? No, she must have misheard me

Charlie Edwards:
She's also 'misheard' you say that I'm going out with Ben

Gino Primirola:
Well, maybe I did say something... you know, by mistake. I saw her being flirty with you by the pool, so when she ask if you have a girlfriend it just... slip out

Charlie Edwards:
You can't go seducing a woman by telling her that all the competition is gay!

Rebecca Mitchell:
I'm the manager of a hotel, Charlie. I make lots of decisions that aren't popular. If I wanted to be popular I'd have joined a girl band and had my breasts done

Gino Primirola:
Gino Primirola, barman of the year! I on top of the world. Like Kate Winslet in that film with the boat! Wind in my hair...

Ben Trueman:
Leonardo Di Caprio wrapped around your waist...

Anna Thornton-Wilton:
Dead people floating in the water...

James Schofield:
So Rebecca, should I tell the chef to expect you downstairs?

Rebecca Mitchell:
I'm sorry?

James Schofield:
You will be cooking the dinner I presume?

Rebecca Mitchell:
I will?

James Schofield:
Isn't that what all the managers are doing these days

[Charlie grins as others mutter agreement]

Rebecca Mitchell:
Oh, right. Um, no, I mean yes, yes absolutely... and Charlie can be my sous chef

Charlie Edwards:
[face drops] I can?

Rebecca Mitchell:
Yes, you can

Charlie Edwards:
An afternoon in the kitchens... what a treat.

Rebecca Mitchell:
I've got a rebelling workforce to feed and four hours until bloody Christmas!

James Schofield:
Every year I'm a bloody pixie! Why can't I be Santa?

Gino Primirola:
Because Santa has to be happy, and you are moody bastard

James Schofield:
Says who

Gino Primirola:
Everyone! [others agree]