Hulk Vs.

The Professor:
Weapon X is indeed glad to have you back, Logan. We put considerable time and money into you.

Deadpool:
And pointy things!

The Professor:
You were our best operative, Wolverine. So disappointing. But you did lead us to Dr. Banner. Of course, you know him better as the Hulk.

Deadpool:
[reveals gun and ammo] I shot him in the ass, with one of these!

[Everyone glares at him]

Deadpool:
What? I did!

Sabretooth:
[to Wolverine] You've gotta love our healing factors. I'm gonna enjoy killing you for days! And then I think we'll drop the Hulk on an orphanage or something.

Bruce Banner:
No!

Deadpool:
Yes. As in, "Yes, you're going to die." BANG! Just kidding.

Hulk:
HULK SMASH CLAW PEOPLE! [charges. Deadpool and Lady Deathstrike get out of his way, but Sabretooth... ]

Sabretooth:
NO! NOO! WAIT! [is hit so hard he is thrown out of the facility and into the woods]

Deadpool:
I can't believe it... I'm alive. I'm alive!

[the Hulk lands on top of him and leaps away]

Deadpool:
[weakly] Ow...

Frost Giant:
[to Hulk] Loki, god of mischief, bids you death, mortal creature! [attacks the Hulk]

Thor:
Bruce Banner, I know thee to be a man of honor. I know thee to be a hero. The lives at stake are not your concern, not even human, but I ask you anyway. Be that hero now.

Bruce Banner:
No, I can't.

Hela:
Curse you, Loki, for convincing me to bring this creature to my realm!

Thor:
Stay your hand, Hela! We shall retrieve the Hulk!

Loki:
WE? The Hulk's fists have addled your mind, Thunderer!

Thor:
Fight with me, brother, or die alone!

Loki:
Not much of a threat, considering we're already in Hel...

Thor:
FOR ODIN! FOR ASGARD! [hurls Mjolnir at the Hulk]

Loki:
Enough of this ridiculousness! To think that Loki, Prince of Darkness, should waste his time with defending Asgard!

[Loki raises his arms to enact a spell, but Thor stops him]

Thor:
Nay, brother! We leave together, for you still have much to answer for!

Hela:
Indeed. You both do. For today Hela has relinquished a soul, and she demands one in exchange!

Thor:
You may try to take my soul, death goddess, but I will make you fight for it. And your realm has suffered much already this day.

Hela:
You speak the truth. So I shall take *his* soul instead!

Loki:
What?

[souls break out of the ground and grab Loki's ankles]

Loki:
Thor! I helped you! Thor!

[Loki is dragged into a crevasse]

Thor:
I could fight you for Loki's soul.

Hela:
*Will* you?

[pause]

Thor:
No.

Hela:
He is my father; his stay will *not* be eternal. But know this, Odinson: your soul *will* be mine, and I will keep it forever!

Thor:
We shall see!

[teleports off]

Deadpool:
[looking at the Professor] Well, he's alive, but I think he's going to need some serious TLC.

Sabretooth:
The last thing the Professor said before the runt gutted him was for us to kill Wolverine.

Deadpool:
Really? Hmm...

[to Omega Red]

Deadpool:
You buy that? Yeah, you know, I would think the last thing he said was, "Ah, Sabretooth!"

Omega Red:
We kill Wolverine now. That is all that matters.

Deadpool:
Whatever you say, ponytail. Who am I to say no to a little murder? [draws his guns]

Deadpool:
[to Team X] Strike a pose!

Deadpool:
What do you say after the mission, we kill all of those floating babies?

Omega Red:
Do you ever shut up, Wilson?

Deadpool:
What? Babies creep me out.

[cradles his rife]

Deadpool:
[singalong] Rock-a-bye-BANG! [chortles]

Deadpool:
Logan, we missed you! And Weapon X just hasn't been the same without you. Nobody calls me "bub" anymore, and Omega Red's a bed wetter...

Omega Red:
[entering] One day I will tear out your flippant tongue, Wilson.

Deadpool:
[whispering to Wolverine] He's very ashamed.

Wolverine:
[to the Professor] What do you want with the Hulk?

Deadpool:
We just wanna help him find his happy place. Did you see how angry he was? I mean, I'm sorry, but come on. I think his pants are too tight...

[Omega Red's tentacle wraps around his neck and starts choking him]

Deadpool:
[after being choked by Omega Red] Argh... so not cool... I hate that guy!

[walks towards Wolverine]

Deadpool:
Wolverine, you look so sad. Hey, if it makes you feel any better, Lady Deathstrike tried to kill you when you were asleep.

Wolverine:
Better than having to listen to you.

Deadpool:
Man, does she hate you. I mean, we all hate you, but Deathstrike really, Really, REALLY hates you! [takes out his gun]

Deadpool:
Hey, still have that unbreakable skull? [Points gun at Wolverine's head and fires. Screen turns black]

Deadpool:
Oh... damn it!

Deadpool:
Hey! Wait for me! [Deadpool jumps on a rampaging Hulk]

Deadpool:
Who wants snacks? YOU do! [Deadpool forces a grenade down the Hulk's gullet and then jumps off, landing alongside Wolverine, and the two run down a straight hallway with the Hulk in pursuit]

Deadpool:
Logan, I think we lost him! [the grenade inside the Hulk explodes... ]

Deadpool:
And they all lived happily ever after, except the Hulk!

Wolverine:
Bub... you just made him angrier!

Hulk:
Talking man hurt Hulk... HULK RIP OFF TALKING MAN'S HEAD!

Deadpool:
My head? Oh, crap...!

Wolverine:
He's all yours, Einstein! [grabs Deadpool and throws him towards the Hulk]

Deadpool:
Logan? We're friends! NO! NOOO!

Loki:
[trying to pick up Mj?lnir, through the Hulk] I... will... have... this... hammer!

Thor:
[mystically summons the hammer back to him] Nay. You shall have its *thunder*!

Balder:
[badly injured] Thor, the creature... unlike anything I've ever seen...

Thor:
Aye, my friend, but this is no immortal evil we face now. The Hulk has come to Asgard.

[first lines in "Hulk vs. Thor"]

Wolverine:
My name is Wolverine. I'm the best at what I do... but what I do isn't very nice.

[first lines in "Hulk vs. Thor"]

Loki:
Outside of the world you know, there exists the realm eternal, Asgard. The shining light of the Nine Worlds, Asgard is home to the gods... all of whom bow down before the AllFather, Odin. Odin's lifeblood flows through Asgard, and Asgard is Odin. His power is all, and he keeps the Asgardian realm safe. But once each winter, the AllFather must rest and enter the Odinsleep. While Odin slumbers, his absence leaves Asgard vulnerable and this is when the wicked descend upon his kingdom. For seven days, an onslaught of trolls, giants, dark elves and demons seek to take control of the Nine Worlds. But they are eternally defeated by HIM... my arrogant, oafish brute of a step-brother... THOR!

Loki:
[as he takes command of the Hulk] And so begins the end of Thor.

Bruce Banner:
You don't know what you've done! With no one to rein the Hulk in, he'll tear down your entire world!

Loki:
I find your prattling useless, mortal... just as you are now useless to ME! [blasts Banner]

[Sabretooth beats awake an unconscious Wolverine]

Sabretooth:
Wakey-wakey time!

Sabretooth:
I don't care how long you've had him, Professor. This was a mistake. Logan can't be controlled. You have his DNA, so just let me kill him!

The Professor:
[sarcastic] I'll take that advice, Sabretooth... prepare your team for the mission!

Sabretooth:
Your funeral...

Hulk:
UGLY LADY SCRATCH HULK! [tears off Deathstrike's arms]

[the Hulk and Wolverine are apprehended with knockout bullets]

Sabretooth:
[to Wolverine] Thanks, runt. We've been trying to take him down for weeks.

Deadpool:
Hey, Logan, it's me, Deadpool! I shot you... [Wolverine falls unconscious]

[Wolverine starts to fight the Porfessor's programming]

The Professor:
We are losing control! Increase the dosage! Initiate lockdown procedures and someone activate Sabretooth!

The Professor:
Deathstrike, what are you doing here? I'm about to start Wolverine's reprogramming!

Lady Deathstrike:
He has to die!

The Professor:
How many times do we have to have this conversation? He's more valuable alive than... [gets slashed in the back by Sabretooth]

Sabretooth:
Sorry, Prof, gotta go with the Lady on this one...

[Wolverine comes across a man at a lake crying]

Wolverine:
Hey, bub, you haven't seen a big monster runnin' around here, have ya?

Bruce Banner:
[backing away, agitated] No! Stay back! Get away from me!

Wolverine:
Easy, crybaby, I'm not gonna... you smell toxic!

[Wolverine throws Banner into a rock]

Wolverine:
Who are you?

Bruce Banner:
Please, leave me alone. For your own sake, please.

[Wolverine pops two his blades on one arm, forming a vise on Banner's head]

Wolverine:
Here's the deal, misty: a third claw is gonna come out unless you start talkin'!

[straddling Wolverine's back]

Lady Deathstrike:
The next blade will go through your brain stem, Logan-san...

[the Hulk advances on Wolverine]

Wolverine:
Hey, hey, I'm on your side, you flaming idiot!

Wolverine:
You should've killed me when you had the chance, 'cause I'm gonna get outta here, I'm gonna kill all of them, and then... I'm gonna cut out your heart.

The Professor:
Wolverine, after I'm done with you, you won't even remember this conversation. I've erased your life before, and I'm going to do it again. All you'll know is that you belong to Weapon X, now and forever.

[stabbing a drugged Bruce Banner to trigger his transformation]

Wolverine:
Maybe that'll help speed things up!

Thor:
[battling the Hulk] Why have you come here?

Loki:
[speaking through the Hulk] Why, to kill you, of course, dear stepbrother!

Thor:
Loki! [Loki throws Thor through a wall]

Loki:
[throwing punches] I have waited an eternity for this: to crush you with my bare hand, to match your might, to feel your life fade away at my hands...

Loki:
Come to your new master, Mjolnir, and let us smite my stepbrother, for there are none stronger than Loki now...

[the Hulk beats Thor to near-death]

Amora:
No!... This is not what I wanted to happen...

Thor:
[to Loki] You and I are going to Hel...

Loki:
[to Hela] The Hulk's soul is rightfully yours, daughter. Take it! Bring the Hulk to Hel! Merge the two halves of his soul, and claim him!

[the Enchantress separates Bruce Banner from the Hulk]

Bruce Banner:
[looking at the Hulk] No! It's impossible!

[Wolverine wakes up in the forest]

Wolverine:
[groaning] What the hell happened?

[He pulls himself painfully to his feet, then hears a roar... and the Hulk jumps right in front of him]

Wolverine:
Oh, yeah...

[on a plane to Elksford]

Soldier:
Sir, I know I'm not supposed to ask questions... but who are you? [Wolverine glares at the soldier, who starts to tremble... ]

Wolverine:
No one you want to know, kid.

[Wolverine arrives at the ruins of Elksford]

Wolverine:
[surveying the destruction] Looks like someone had a bad day...

Colonel:
It happened about hour hours ago, just before dawn. The creature was sighted crossing the US-Candian border. THIS is what happened when it reached civilization.

Wolverine:
The creature?

Colonel:
The Americans call it the Hulk. Details: sketchy. Department H thinks the U.S. Military's covering something up. [Wolverine comes across a car wreck and smells it]

Wolverine:
I smell something toxic... gunpowder too. [disovers a mass of bullers]

Wolverine:
Someone tried to fight back. Guess they didn't fight hard enough...

Colonel:
Department H wants you to find and stop the Hulk before it reaches another town or city. And if you can't stop it, kill it. [Wolverine smiles for the first time]

Wolverine:
Sounds like fun.

[Upon being threatened by Wolverine, Bruce transforms]

Wolverine:
Ah, hell... I don't suppose you're interested in talking this out...

[after getting beaten down by the Hulk]

Wolverine:
Okay, bub, let's try that again... [snarls and charges]

Lady Deathstrike:
GAIJIN!

Sabretooth:
End of the line, runt! Got any last words?

Wolverine:
Yeah... TWO! [Wolverine charges]

Deadpool:
[draws his katanas] Let's dance!

Deadpool:
[falling on Wolverine] BANZAI! [Wolverine slices Deadpool's arm off] AAH! Ow! Oh... dude, that is just *not* cool! [looks at the stump on his body, then his arm some meters away] Wow! Look at that! Could you give me a hand? [giggles] Just kidding! All right... I'll go get it. [runs to fix his arm back on]

[the Hulk tears down the Weapon X facility]

Wolverine:
Go for it, big guy! Tear this whole godforsaken place down to the ground! DO IT! Uh-oh... [gets thrown from the facility]

[last lines in "Hulk vs. Wolverine"]

Wolverine:
All right, bub... where were we?

[draws his claws and leaps at the Hulk]

[Balder sounds his trumpet]

Sif:
'Tis Balder's horn... but this is not right. Asgard's enemies are all defeated!

Thor:
And yet the alarm has sounded.

[Thor readies himself for battle]

Thor:
Stay at Odin's side! Should I fail to meet this threat, you must protect him!

[Thor flies away]

Sif:
But if Thor should fall, what will become of Asgard?

[after striking the Hulk with lightning]

Thor:
Doest thou yield, Loki?

Amora:
Take care, Loki, for my spell bonds you to the creature, and while you are its master, I can feel him fighting...

Amora:
Loki, enough! Your own rage fuels the beast... I can feel the spell breaking!

Hela:
His soul is too dangerous to remain in Hel, and too valuable to lose. I shall return him to Midgard... [Thor gravely watches as Banner is sent back to Earth]

Bruce Banner:
I had a nightmare... I was alone.

Betty Ross:
You're not alone. You'll never be alone. [They kiss]

Bruce Junior:
[running in] Daddy, come play with me! [Bruce starts to cry]

Amora:
[to Sif] Have a care, cow!

Sif:
[attacking the Hulk] Die, beast! [the Hulk slams her into a fountain]

[the Warriors Three regroup after a fierce battle]

Volstagg:
[sitting on a troll] Verily, ye must say, that went far better than last winter.

Hogun:
Tell us, Volstagg, are you going to dispatch that troll beneath you, or are you saving him for dinner?

[Volstagg slams the snarling troll on the head with his flagon]

Volstagg:
It all depends on how much mead I've partaken.

Fandral:
Did my ears deceive me? Did Hogun the Grim make a joke? And here we thought you were still in a foul mood because you didn't get to slay a frost giant!

Hogun:
I've still slain more than thee, Fandral.

Fandral:
But we shall see whom the maidens reward more.

[Volstagg starts laughing, and Fandral and even Hogun join in]

Loki:
The creature's power is INCREDIBLE!

Balder:
[facing the Hulk] You will have to kill me, monster, for I shall not yield!

Thor:
Doctor Banner! Can you hear me inside the beast?

Amora:
The beast is rage incarnate! It has shattered the spell! The Hulk... is free!

Amora:
Thor, my love... I... I was angered when you chose Sif over me... I did not... I wanted thy love, not thy death. Please... come back to me... [kisses Thor and revives him]

Thor:
Amora...

Amora:
Yes, my love...? [Thor picks up his hammer]

Thor:
Where... is... Loki?

Loki:
[watching the Hulk] What is that monster doing? It marches towards Odin. [Thor breaks into Loki's hideaway]

Thor:
Loki! I would have words with you!

Loki:
No! You were at Hela's door! I defeated you!

Thor:
The Hulk shall be sent back to Midgard, and then you shall answer to Odin!

Loki:
Fine! Take the creature! It provided me with amusement enough, seeing him pummel you nigh-unto death! [Amora discovers Bruce Banner has been slain by Loki]

Amora:
You... you fool, you've killed him! Do you know what you've done? Because the mortal died here, Hela claimed his soul! Without his soul, I cannot return him to Midgard! Without Bruce Banner... the Hulk cannot leave Asgard!

Thor:
[choking Loki] I saw the beast's eyes, brother. It will not stop until all of Asgard is destroyed, until Odin has been broken! You have brought about a new Ragnarok down upon us all!

Loki:
It's possible I made a poor choice...

[Thor and Loki arrive in the Nordic Underworld]

Thor:
Long have I wished never to visit this realm...

Loki:
I always forget how busy a time the Odinsleep is for my daughter. Dost thou see any newly arrived friends here, brother?

Thor:
Have a care, Loki, lest ye stay here!

[Thor and Loki meet Hela, queen of the Norse underworld]

Thor:
Hail Hela, goddess of the dead.

Hela:
The sons of Odin risk much entering my realm...

Thor:
The Nine Worlds of Asgard are in great peril, including Hel and Middle-Earth. A new Ragnarok is upon us. We need your help. We need Bruce Banner. [Hela dismisses her guards]

Hela:
The mortal's soul is MINE, Asgardian. As yours nearly was this very day, and may well be again...

Thor:
You would risk everything for the sake of one soul?

Hela:
As YOU yourself would do, Odin's son.

Loki:
Ah, but you do not have a soul, daughter. You have HALF a soul, you have Bruce Banner. You need the Hulk to complete your prize...

Hela:
Bruce Banner, I will not force you to forsake the afterlife. But you must be whole!

Bruce Banner:
No, I WON'T! You don't understand...!

[the Hulk grabs Thor and Loki in a deadlock]

Bruce Banner:
Hulk! Let them go! I'm the one you want! [the Hulk charges at Banner, who fuses with him]

Thor:
You called him weak, Loki, but there is more strength and courage in that man than you will ever know!

[Loki joins Thor in battle a little late, just as Thor is about to be broken]

Loki:
My apologies... I was enjoying the performance.

[only words in "Hulk vs. Thor"]

Hulk:
Hulk... tired.

[last lines in "Hulk vs. Thor"]

Odin:
Thus the cycle begins anew. Asgard is safe once again, defended to the end by its heroes. I am proud of each of you that stand before me. The day was saved by loyalty and sacrifice. We honour those who fought beside us and those who are no longer with us, and we defy those who would see us brought to ruin. But while the rewards of Valhalla await all of Asgard's heroes, this day we honour a hero of Midgard, the mortal who sacrificed everything for a land not his own. This day, a human showed the gods what legends are made of. Hail the mortal, Bruce Banner!

Loki:
Hear me, human. You have been brought to Asgard, for in all the universe, only *you* have ever brought near defeat to the Mighty Thor.

Bruce Banner:
What? I couldn't.

Loki:
Not thee, Bruce Banner, for you are a sad, sniveling creature. I speak of your other half. I speak... of the Hulk. [Bruce gasps] There is one day left of the Odinsleep. As always, the Asgardians will emerge victorious against the siege of darkness. My brother will seek peace and then... then I shall destroy him!

[Thor flies off to face the Hulk, leaving Sif to watch over Odin]

Sif:
If Thor should fall, what hope has Asgard?