I Can Do Bad All by Myself

Vianne:
Madea, go to your room and close the door!

Mable "Madea" Simmons:
This a play, there ain't no room or door!

Mable "Madea" Simmons:
Can't take my car, the helicopters got my license number, I gotta stay hid out.

Mable "Madea" Simmons:
How about this? You bury your dog in the backyard, that way every Christmas and New Year's Eve you can go and put bones and flowers on his grave and be with him.

Leroy Brown:
Flowers? That sounds like a good idea.

Mable "Madea" Simmons:
[singing] I'm a big fine woman, can I back it up, can I back it up?

Vianne:
He can't be coming in here like that, it's rude.

Mable "Madea" Simmons:
That's not rude, before you and him moved in here I used to walk around naked, that's rude.

Maylee:
We've found a religion that we're comfortable with.

Leroy Brown:
It's that same comfort that's going to send you straight to hell.

Maylee:
I was up all night chanting, and chanting and chanting and...

Mable "Madea" Simmons:
Is that what all that bonyayaya-bonyayaya-bonyayaya was? If I'd known that was you I would've come in there and bon-yayaya'd you upside your head.

Mable "Madea" Simmons:
[to Keisha who's 14 and pregnant] I told you to lock down on a boy, clink clink. But it's allright, you gonna pay for having that baby every day of your life, you're gonna finish school, you're gonna take care of that baby, you're gonna get a job and you're gonna put that baby in daycare. If you're old enough to lay there and make it you're old enough to stand there and raise it.

Mable "Madea" Simmons:
[to Vianne] Sex will get you dinner and a movie, holding out will get you cars and jewels and houses.

Vianne:
Madea, it's Aunt Myrtle!

Mable "Madea" Simmons:
Who?

Vianne:
Aunt Myrtle!

Mable "Madea" Simmons:
Who?

Vianne:
Aunt Myrtle!

Mable "Madea" Simmons:
Who? [pause] Who?

Vianne:
[into the phone] She's up there being a hoo owl.

Leroy Brown:
[to Madea, after he found his dog dead] Madea, you better be glad that I'm saved or I would just stab you in your heart!

Mable "Madea" Simmons:
[Madea goes upstairs and comes back down with her purse full of guns] Come on stab me! I want you to stab me! Come on and stab me!

Bobby:
[to Anthony] To be so smart, you sho' is dumb.

Mable "Madea" Simmons:
[referring to Mr. Brown] He's too saved.

Vianne:
What's wrong with him being saved?

Mable "Madea" Simmons:
Nothing wrong with being saved, I say he's *too* saved. He's so saved you can't say nothing to him. You ask him how you doing, he says "Praise the Lord!". You say it's a nice day, he says "Thank you Jesus!" You ever called his house?

Vianne:
No.

Mable "Madea" Simmons:
His answering machine says "We're not in right now, hallelujah, praise the Lord, thank you Jesus, glory to God. Leave a message at the sanctified beep. If this is a bill collector, we rebuke you in the name of Jesus!"

Mable "Madea" Simmons:
[Picks up the phone and dials the number while panicking] Hello? is this the zoo? We got one of your monkeys over here.