I Could Never Be Your Woman

Izzie:
That's not really your style.

Izzie:
I didn't make it out.

Izzie:
Why is she suddenly so happy?

Izzie:
He never said that, and wearing a wedding dress is not gonna change his mind.

Izzie:
Hey Mom, how do you know when it's true love?

Izzie:
Mom, when can I have sex?

Rosie:
When you have your masters degree.

Rosie:
When you reach 18.

Izzie:
15?

Rosie:
17?

Izzie:
15 is the new 17.

Rosie:
So that's how it ends? The most powerful male gets the most babelicious female?

Mother Nature:
That's right.

Rosie:
Well, what if there's a really cute male antelope, or a female that shows signs of leadership?

Mother Nature:
Useless.

Rosie:
Why?

Mother Nature:
Look, there's an order to this mating business.

Rosie:
Why can't we change things?

Mother Nature:
Haven't you self-centered, pec-loading a**holes changed enough? It's not natural!

Rosie:
What's so great about natural?

Mother Nature:
What?

Rosie:
Think about it. Tobacco is natural, Prozac's unnatural. Earthquakes are natural, television's unnatural. Natural sucks!

Izzie:
[singing to Britney tune] Oops, I've got a career, by shakin' my rear, and makin' guys leer.

Izzie:
Oh, baby, baby.

Izzie:
Oops. I'm gonna sing more, and dance like a whore, I'm just not talented.

Rosie:
Please tell me you're wearing shorts under that.

Nathan:
Yes. They're just cut really high. Besides, I've got good legs and a great butt.

Rosie:
Yeah, well, you know that's what everyone says "There's Nathan, what an ass."

Izzie:
How do you make a positive number turn negative?

Rosie:
Take away its Prozac and put it with a bunch of smaller numbers.

Marty:
You're gonna want to cut those apron strings. Otherwise you're never going to be a real man!

Adam:
I don't need to be a real man. I'm an actor!

Older TV exec:
Courtney Love?

Producer:
Drugged-out hag.

Older TV exec:
Faye Dunaway?

Producer:
Don't call us, we'll call you!

Older TV exec:
Sharon Stone?

Producer:
Hag.

Older TV exec:
Geena Davis?

Producer:
Hag.

Older TV exec:
Sigourney Weaver?

Producer:
Hag.

Older TV exec:
Kim Basinger?

Producer:
Hag.

Older TV exec:
Emma Thompson?

Producer:
Brit hag.

Older TV exec:
Susan Sarandon?

Producer:
Red-state-alienating hag!

Older TV exec:
Meg Ryan?

Producer:
Too much plastic surgery.

Older TV exec:
Melanie Griffith?

Producer:
WAY too much plastic surgery.

Older TV exec:
Patricia Heaton?

Producer:
*Pointless* plastic surgery.

Older TV exec:
CHER.

Producer:
*Insurmountable* amount of plastic surgery!

Rosie:
[who's been overhearing all this from the next chair & getting increasingly annoyed, swings round & grabs the Producer by the chin] Listen, you little bird of a man, where do you come off insulting these women? How many hit songs did you sing? How many Oscars do *you* have? Could you look cute next to Warren Beatty? Or live with Don Johnson? Or act with Ted Danson? You're not worthy of kissing Cher's tattooed ass!

Rosie:
Putz: noun - a yokel; a jerk.

Censor:
My rabbi consultant said it means penis.

Rosie:
We're allowed to say penis!

Censor:
Yes, you can say penis, but this is the bad penis. Like 'prick'.

Rosie:
And... what exactly is the *good* penis?

Adam:
[starts to take off his belt and unbutton his pants] Check it out. [snickers from ensemble of 'You Go Girl' actors]

Rosie:
Remember when we had that talk about you being 29? I keep thinking about how... *young* that is.

Adam:
Well, I'm planning on getting older.

Rosie:
[laughs] Yeah, well I'm not planning on getting younger.

Adam:
That's just being stubborn.

Rosie:
Young is far superior to old.

Adam:
In what?

Rosie:
In everything.

Adam:
Oh yeah? Who's funnier: Tom Green, or George Carlin?

Rosie:
Well, that's a freak example.

[first lines]

Mother Nature:
[sigh] Pretty impressive, huh? People tend to think of me as that, uh, environmental nut. But whenever I get down to work they say, 'Mother Nature, you're such a destructive b*tch'.

[last lines]

Mother Nature:
This is good. Now you can settle down and act your age.

Rosie:
What's that supposed to mean? Easy listening and orthopedic shoes?

Mother Nature:
That sounds about right, yeah.

Rosie:
No, I don't wanna do that. I wanna stay passionate. I-I wanna scream at rock concerts, and-and get angry at the news. And - I wanna wear miniskirts!

Mother Nature:
You're gonna look ridiculous!

Rosie:
Yeah, well, when enough people are ridiculous, it starts to look normal.

Izzie:
Okay, Hannah's in love with him, and she's past aggressive.

Rosie:
Past what?

Izzie:
You know, past aggressive. People who act all friendly, but really aren't? Like Jeannie.

Izzie:
[sung to the tune of "Isn't it Ironic" by Alanis Morissette] "Any young girl wants to be a big name. In movies, they must all be the same. She won't need to sing or to act. Just lose all of her body fat. And isn't it moronic? Don't you think? It's insa-a-ane that they lose so much weight. It's young Nicole with no food on her plate. It's her pal Lindsay barfing up a cake. They think they're all cute, stick figures!"

Izzie:
[sung to the tune of "Isn't it Ironic" by Alanis Morissette] "It's so hot. Must be 98. For December, that's not so great. While the North Pole is turning to slush, on my TV, there's President Bush. And isn't he moronic? Don't you think? Incredibly moronic. And yes I really do think."

Izzie and her back up singers:
[sung to the tune of "Isn't it Ironic" by Alanis Morisette] "He's a pa-a-in, in the whole world's ass. He'd stab his mom, for a gallon of gas. How can it be, we voted him in? I just don't see how, it figures."

Izzie:
[sung to the tune of "Isn't it Ironic" by Alanis Morissette] "A pop star, who went on TV. Tells the whole world, 'Kids sleep here with me'. A mother says to her son, 'Neverland Ranch will be lots of fun'. And isn't she moronic? Don't you think? Incredibly moronic. And yes I really do think."

Izzie and her back up singers:
[sung to the tune of "Isn't it Ironic" by Alanis Morissette] "It's so la-a-ame, what goes on in her head. Do you think it's smart to loan him your kid? He won't like them when they're bigger."

Adam:
Honey, I'm home! Alone... Starring Macauley Culkin... As a boy who is inadvertently left by himself... At his house... When his parents go on a long vacation.

Izzie:
[sung to the tune "Oops I did it again" by Britney Spears] Oops I got a career by shaking my rear and making guys leer. Oh baby, baby. Oops I'm going to sing more and dance like a whore. I'm just not talented.

Adam:
Art without love is nothing. Nietzsche said that. [writer in commentary said she misremembered quote - it is by Nabokov]