Idle Hands

Debi:
My work here is done. Time for the ritualistic sex!

Debi:
There is evil out there, and I'm gonna kick its ass!

Anton:
Who's your daddy now, b*tch, huh? Who's your f***ing daddy now?

Mick:
That is some one-hit sh*t.

Pnub:
As usual, marijuana saves an otherwise disastrous day.

Anton:
Hey, I didn't kill anyone on purpose, okay!

Mick:
Yeah well we weren't in hell! I mean there was this bright white light at the end of a long tunnel, right, and there was these chicks' voices, and that music...

Anton:
Music?

Pnub:
Yeah kinda uncool music, like, Enya. And these chicks' voices they were saying "Come to us, come towards the light".

Anton:
So what happened?

Mick:
We figured, f*** it, I mean it was really far!

Anton:
So, what are you guys doing here?

Pnub:
We need a place to kick it. Don't be selfish, Anton! No one else's parents are dead!

Pnub:
And if your mother had teeth, she wouldn't suck dick so well. What's your point?"

Mick:
I'm gonna go call 911. What's the number?

Anton:
We're gathered here today... um... because you're all dead.

Mick:
Wait a minute. If you chop off your right hand, how are you going to chop the other one off?

Anton:
Oh no, man, the lefty's a keeper. I mean, I hit the remote with it, light up with it, relieve a little tension...

Anton:
You lied to me!

Mick:
You killed me, let's try to keep this thing in perspective here!

Anton:
Dearly beloved we gathered here today cause your all dead... and I killed you.

Anton:
What the hell are you doing?

Pnub:
C.P.R. Man, I saw it on Baywatch man!

Pnub:
Maybe we should clean that up.

Mick:
Yeah, and while we're at it, let's just clean the whole f***in' house.

Mick:
Yeah I was a little bitter about the getting killed by my best friend thing but I've had time to get over it.

Pnub:
Why would we go to hell? We're not bad, we're not exactly good or anything but atleast we don't go around killing people!

Randy:
Wow... Did they?

Anton:
This' it, I know it.

Pnub:
Those things won't even cut my bagel

Pnub:
You scream like a girl.

Anton:
All I do is sit around all day, smoke pot, watch TV...

Mick:
No, no! No Kevin Costner speech. Let's just go.

Pnub:
Hey don't forget my bong

Mick:
You did not make that bong

Pnub:
Yeah I did, welted it and sh*t

Mick:
You don't even take auto-shop

Pnub:
F*** you

Pnub:
This ain't Dominos you lazy b*tch, come get it yourself!

Mick:
It's Mighty Joe bong!

Pnub:
Why don't you just go over there and tell her your name. Maybe she'll think you're... funny or something.

Anton:
Everybody go home there's a psycho killer here! I cut off my hand, and now it's gonna kill you all!

Pnub:
Bet she wins best costume.

Mick:
SWEET JESUS!

Pnub:
Ok, that wasn't my fault, that thing should've come down a LOT slower!

Mick:
Let's go walk through a nurse.

Mick:
Hey you're right, Anton screams like a girl.

Mick:
That's it? That's it? No explosions, no hellfire, no -

Mick:
I mean, no, I'm glad everybody's all right, but... that was weak.

Randy:
Oh man, I cannot believe you cock-blocked me like that. I thought we were buds!

Dad Tobias:
[after seeing the message on the ceiling] It's just a prank. [clicks off flashlight] Anton.

Mom Tobias:
Anton? Our little scooter would never do something like that!

Dad Tobias:
Quit calling him that baby name. Anton would not scoot his behind off the couch if the house was on fire!

Anton:
[hears moaning coming from Mick's grave] Mick?

Mick:
Over here. Anton, help me. Come on, man, I can't breathe down here. Anton? Anton, can you hear me?

Anton:
[kneels and leans over Mick's grave] Mick?

Mick:
Yeah man, it's Mick.

Anton:
You're dead!

Mick:
No I'm not! You conked me on the head pretty good. I must've been unconcious.

Anton:
You think?

Mick:
I know f***er, now dig me up!

Anton:
[after cutting his hand off] Where did it go?

Pnub:
What, you mean the hand?

Anton:
Of course I mean the hand!

Pnub:
Try looking up your ass.

Dexter Holland:
[kicking Anton off the stage at the Concert]Get out of here kid. You had your fun, now it's time...

The Hand:
TIME TO DIE B*TCH!!!!!! [As the crowd screams, the Hand continues] You're all my b*tches now!!

Anton:
F***ing little hand I got you now.[The hand is in a puppet disguise. He sneaks behind Anton's shoulder]

The Hand:
I'm your little daddy now...B*TCH!!! [Anton and the hand fight] You should learn NOT to cut off the hand that feeds you Anton!!! AND NOW ANTON..YOU DIE!!!! [Anton punches the Hand who is still in the puppet outfit, then pins him to the floor.] EAT THIS B*TCH!!! [Anton grabs him as he is about to deliver a striking blow]

Anton:
Who's you daddy now B*tch?

The Hand:
I'M GONNA F*** YOU UP!!!

[Last lines]

Mick:
Hey, you were right. Anton does scream like a girl!

Pnub:
You think we should tell him that we put that writing on the ceiling?

Mick:
F*** it!

Pnub:
Hey, let's go walk through a nurse!

Mick:
Okay, watch it. Some of them are guys.

[After the Post Credits Roll, the Hand speaks]"

The Hand:
Anton, I'll be back...We all go a little crazy sometimes. Just don't look under the bed...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anton Tobias:
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today because you're all dead... and it's all my fault. Mom, Dad, you fed me, kept a roof over my head until I killed you. Which I guess doesn't make me a very good son. But, I'm gonna try to change. [hand twitches] Mick, Pnub I'll never forget all those times we sat around, watched TV and got really, really stoned. And all those other times we just... well I guess that's all we did. [picks flowers from garden and throws them over the 'graves'] Amen.

The Hand:
I'm in the mood for some SERIOUS Killing.

The Hand:
You forgot where ya came from kid..but I know where you're going.

The Hand:
[As he's about to kill Tanya] WELCOME TO MY WORLD...B*TCH!!!!

The Hand:
I'm gonna kill you real slow Anton....[his eyes roll in the back of his head] Oh Sh*t! [The Hand falls out of the puppet outfit and to the ground]

The Hand:
[Before his death, The hand prepares to attack Anton one last time] DIE YOU F***ER!!! [Debi throws the dagger towards the hand striking it dead.] SH*T!!!! [The Hand dies]

The Hand:
[In the Alternate Ending as he traps Molly in the swimming pool] Now little piggie, where the f*** are you??

The Hand:
Come out, come out, wherever you are. [Molly stands on top of the diving board, The hand grabs her foot] GOTCHA! Come to Daddy...b*tch! [As she hangs off the side of the dive board, a portal opens up] NOW, YOU WILL BE MY NIGHTMARE HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! PREPARE TO DIE