Imagine Me & You

Rachel:
Everyone promises you happily ever after... but life turns into a different kind of fairy tale.

Rachel:
You make me feel something I absolutely cannot feel.

Rachel:
[reading to coworkers] In her acceptance speech, the distinguished scientist paid tribute to her husband, Dr. Chris Davis. Tomorrow the pair celebrate their 42nd wedding anniversary after eloping together on the day they met. When asked how they could possibly have known that it would all work out, Professor Harrison replied in true scientific fashion: "We don't know, you can never be sure. But you take the plunge anyway. Sure is for people who don't love enough."

Luce:
You're a wanker, number nine!

Luce:
I think you know immediately. As soon as your eyes meet... Then everything that happens from then on just proves that you have been right in that first moment. When you suddenly realize that you were incomplete and now you are whole...

Heck:
[to Rachel] You know I want you to be happy. And more than anything, I wanted to be the cause of happiness in you.

Heck:
Well, let's hang these flowers and get that jacket in some water.

Heck:
[Rachel wants to have sex in a park late at night] We've got a flat. It's a good one. And I've confiscated your mother's key so she can't sneak up on us anymore. I swear that woman's got a sex radar.

Tessa:
Three cheers for my husband, as much use as a fart in a jam jar.

Tessa:
Cooper, that trollop. That man would shag an open wound.

Tessa:
Will you f*** off with the f***ing candles?

Coop:
Later on tonight, we're going to fall madly in bed.

Coop:
I'm a cure for lesbianism.

Ned:
I love the smell of hot dogs in the evening. Smells like... hot dogs.

Edie:
She's not just heterosexual, she's barbie heterosexual!

H:
Heck, I've got a question.

Tessa:
Not now.

Heck:
What's the question, H?

H:
What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

Heck:
[thinks for a few seconds] I haven't got a bastard clue, I'm afraid.

Tessa:
There you are, you see. Now we can let him get married in peace.

[She starts to lead H to the church to find a seat for the wedding]

Luce:
[Catches H before Tessa can take her away completely] It never happens. If there's a thing that can't be stopped, it's not possible for there to be something else which can't be moved, and vice versa. They can't both exist. You see, it's a trick question is the answer.

H:
[as Tessa leads her to the church] Can she sit with me?

Luce:
What's your name, anyway?

H:
Everyone calls me "H.' They tell me it's short for Henrietta, but it's not. It's short for Jesus "H" Christ. That's what my mummy said when she found out she was pregnant with me.

Coop:
[Standing at the altar with Heck] I fancy that flower girl.

Heck:
[Craning around to see if Rachel's coming] Yeah, yeah, I know you do.

Coop:
She likes me, right? I got a vibe that she likes me.

Heck:
Coop, it's my wedding day. Can we talk about me?

Coop:
Sure, yes.

[Turns with Heck to see if Rachel's coming. Waits a few seconds, then whispers]

Coop:
Did you get the vibe that she likes me?

Luce:
[Has come for a glass of punch, but finds Rachel blocking the way] What, is something wrong? I'm here to help.

Rachel:
My ring. I was getting some of this punch crap and...

Luce:
Your wedding ring?

Rachel:
It fell off. Off and in there. My wedding ring is in there.

Luce:
And you tried the ladle?

Rachel:
Nothing.

Luce:
And you can't empty...

Rachel:
No.

Luce:
No, it's too big. Right. Only one thing to do. Cover me.

[Starts to roll up her sleeves]

Rachel:
What?

Luce:
Use the dress.

[Moves Rachel so that her body covers Luce's actions]

Luce:
I'm going in.

Rachel:
You can't just...

[Looks over her shoulder as Luce prepares to fish around for the ring]

Rachel:
Oh, yes, really, you can.

[Luce sticks her arm in the punch bowl]

Edie:
You need a love life.

Luce:
I have a like life. It suits me fine.

Heck:
So, what about you? Are you married? Ever been married, ever going to get married?

Luce:
No. No. Maybe now that the law's changed.

Heck:
How do you mean?

Luce:
Well, I'm gay.

Heck:
[chuckles, then realizes that it's not a joke] Mmm... well done.

Rachel:
[about Luce] She's gay...

Heck:
As a tennis player.

Coop:
I'm 29 years old.

Heck:
You're 31.

Coop:
Precisely my point. I'm getting older. And I see you... I see what you've got with... I can see that stability. And the trust, and permanence. And I think... God, I'm glad I'm not you.

Coop:
F*** me if I'm wrong, but I think you want to kiss me.

Luce:
It's not going to happen.

Heck:
[Rachel and Heck are having breakfast in bed] I like this jam. It's really good jam. I should make jam. I could, you know.

Rachel:
'Course you could.

Heck:
You don't think I could.

Rachel:
Not for a second.

Heck:
Anyway, I was talking to Rob yesterday.

Rachel:
That man's an ass.

Heck:
That man is an ass. But he's got this really sweet girlfriend. God knows what she found to love about him, but she does. He cheats on her like a nutter.

[Rachel gets up and starts to get dressed]

Heck:
Oh, come back to bed.

Rachel:
I'm up now. Does she know?

Heck:
Well, I'm like, 'If you want to leave, tell her.' Are you really up?

Rachel:
I really am. Maybe he doesn't want to leave. Maybe he doesn't know what he wants.

Heck:
Anyway, he should figure it out before someone gets hurt... Why are you looking at me?

Rachel:
'Cause you're a good person.

Heck:
You wait till I make jam. Then I'll rock your world.

Rachel:
Do you guys believe in love at first sight?

Zina:
Well, it saves time.

Rachel:
No, really, that you could meet someone, or just... across a room, and with that one glance you could look in their eyes and see their soul. Do you believe that could happen?

Beth:
[long pause, takes a breath] No.

Zina:
Absolutely not.

Rachel:
No, me neither.

Heck:
[after finding that Rachel has a lesbian porn film] It's porn, right? It's degrading. It's offensive.

Rachel:
God yes.

Heck:
Yeah. Let's watch it anyway. Come on, Rach, I mean, things have been getting slack in that department recently. I know it's my fault, and it's... yeah.

Rachel:
No, it's mine... I... uh... but I don't want to watch this.

Heck:
[sadly] Why not?

Rachel:
It doesn't turn me on.

Heck:
Makes one of us.

Heck:
Edie, are you gay?

Edie:
Am I gay? [laughs] I'm ecstatic!

Rachel:
What does the lily mean?

Luce:
The lily means... [pause] The lily means, "I dare you to love me".

[It's the day after Luce and Rachel's "date" where Rachel almost kissed Luce. Upon seeing Rachel approaching her store, Luce beams a smile]

Luce:
Hi!

Rachel:
No! No! You're not happy to see me! You can't! I don't want you to be happy to see me!

Rachel:
Okay. So do you see? You have to see. I, I can't do this. I can't actually do this. So whatever it is, or was, it's got to stop, and it's got to stop now, do you understand? It's over.

[Leaves back room, then immediately comes back in and passionately kisses Luce]

[Luce and Rachel are making out on a table in the back room of Luce's store. Luce lies back against a pile of roses, and yells]

Luce:
OW! OW!

Rachel:
[Getting off her] What is it? What?

Luce:
Thorns! Thorns! In my bum! Ow!

Rachel:
I can't...

Luce:
I know.

Luce:
Don't forget me.

Rachel:
I won't remember anything else.

Ella:
[Coming into room dressed to go out, and seeing Luce looking rather dejected sitting on the couch] Sweet sh*t in a bucket. What's wrong with you?

Luce:
I met this girl... but she's with someone else

Ella:
Does she love you?

Luce:
I don't know... no... [nods head] yes... but it doesn't matter.

Ella:
[gently caresses Luce's face] Oh... it's all that matters.

Luce:
[surprised] Coop!

Coop:
It is you, isn't it?

Luce:
What are you talking about?

Coop:
I wasn't sure when he told me, but I knew.

Luce:
What did he say?

Coop:
Tell me it isn't true, girl!

[pause]

Coop:
Dumb slut!

Luce:
Don't start, Coop.

Coop:
Don't start? Her husband. Her flickin' husband calls me in the middle of the night. And you want to know how he was? He was busted.

Luce:
Coop, just get out!

Coop:
What was that you said? What was that? About how you shouldn't bust in on another couple's marriage?

[Luce looks guilty]

Coop:
Stuck to that one good, didn't you?

Heck:
It's not you leaving that's going to kill me. It's you loving someone more.

Rachel:
No. You're not walking away. Don't... don't walk away from me.

Heck:
Yeah keep saying that. Pretend this is my choice.

Rachel:
What do you MEAN?

Heck:
Oh come on Rachel. We both know you'd have left me in the end.

Rachel:
That's not true.

Heck:
YES IT IS! [quieter] Yes it is. I want you to be happy. More than anything else I wanted to be the cause of happiness in you. But if I'm not, then I can't stand in the way, you see? Because what you're feeling now, Rachel, is the unstoppable force. Which means that I've got to move.

Ned:
So, who's the lucky chap? What's his name?

Rachel:
Her name... is Luce.

Tessa:
Luce? As in a woman? As are you a woman? So you mean you two are lesbifriends?

Rachel:
It doesn't matter what you call it, it's not going to happen.

Luce:
How do you feel?

Ella:
Oh. Um. Well you know when you're holding a hot cup of coffee and you realize you're going to sneeze? That's how I feel.

There Goes The Bride.

The path to true love isn't always straight...