In Living Color

Homey Claus:
Okay kids repeat after me. Silent night.

Kids:
Silent night.

Homey Claus:
Homey's night.

Kids:
Homey's night.

Homey Claus:
All was calm.

Kids:
All was calm.

Homey Claus:
All was bright... Bright like that damn light that cop shone in my face. He knew I didn't do it. HE KNEW I DIDN'T DO IT. I said BACK ME UP.

Kids:
All was bright... Bright like that damn light that cop shone in my face. He knew I didn't do it. HE KNEW I DIDN'T DO IT. I said BACK ME UP.

Little Girl:
He knew I didn't do it.

[repeated line]

Homey The Clown:
Homey don't play dat.

[repeated line]

Fire Marshall Bill:
Lemme show you somethin'.

Drunk In Restaurant:
Richard Simmons was an astronaut!

Drunk In Restaurant:
My left titty-nipple gots an eye on it!

Anton Jackson:
[giving a toast] May your liquor be cold, your women be hot, and may all of your problems just slide off like snot.

Blaine Edwards, Antoine Marryweather:
Welcome to Men On Film.

Blaine Edwards:
Where we look at movies...

Antoine Marryweather:
From a male point of view.

Barber:
Anybody touch my liquor'll get cut!

Beauty Contest Host:
[singing] Hey Ms. Black Person USA, the finest in the lan. Hey Ms. Black Person USA, like a sweet baked honey-glazed ham. You're dark and lovely, like a bottle of ripple wine... Just look at that big behind! What a bouquet. Ms. Black Person USA. She's black, ain't no taking her back.

Blaine Edwards:
This title gets the around the world and back snap!

[during the "Wheel of the Dozens" championship]

The Champ:
Your mama is so old and fat that before the Lord could say 'Let there be light' he first had to tell her to get her big fat ass out of the way.

[repeated line]

Fire Marshall Bill:
This could be dangerous!

Michael Jackson:
Excuse me Officer, but can you tell me if I'm black or white?

Police Officer:
You're under arrest.

Michael Jackson:
I guess I am black.

Bonita Bitrell:
Oh lawd, there's Ms. Jenkins.

[waves to her]

Bonita Bitrell:
Hello Ms. Jenkins! Mmm, mm, mm. That's one fine woman there. Yes sir. Better NO one say nothin' bad about Ms. Jenkins. Uh-uh. Coarse her breath smells so bad it could singe your nose hairs. But I ain't one to gossip, so you didn't hear that from me.

Antoine Marryweather:
[Antoine is explaining football to Dwayne] Ok, now, you're going to be the center. So take this ball, bend over and I'm going to walk up right behind you and put my hands between your legs.

Blaine Edwards:
OOOH! I think I may have played this game before!

Handi-Man:
Never under-estimate the powers of the handicaped.

Homey The Clown:
[talking to a case worker about his lengthy file] Save yer breath! That's just another long list of lies perpetrated by The Man to keep a brutha down!

[repeated line]

Wanda Jackson:
I got chu. I got chu.

Dating service customer:
[Meeting his computer arranged date] You said you looked like Marilyn Monroe!

Wanda Jackson:
I do look like Marilyn Monroe!

Dating service customer:
No you don't; you look like 'Marilyn the 'Ho'!

Wanda Jackson:
Why don't you go outside and be the victim of a drive-by shooting?

Black Prisoner:
First of all, we must internalize the "flatulation" of the matter by transmitting the effervescence of the "Indianisian" proximity in order to further segregate the crux of my venereal infection. Now, if I may retain my liquids here for one moment. I'd like to continue the "redundance" of my quote, unquote "intestinal tract", you see because to preclude on the issue of world domination would only circumvent - excuse me, circumcise the revelation that reflects the "Afro-disiatic" symptoms which now perpetrates the jheri curis activation. See, so by the -...

Narrator:
Give to The United Negro Scholarship Fund. Because a mind is a terrible thing to develop without help.

Black Prisoner:
Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".

Wanda Jackson:
First of all I don't need no Eddie Munster looking with the widow peak fake wearing funky breath breathing coming in through my window when you wasn't even invited with them wearing them tired old clothes looking like Pee Wee Herman like he was on crack whiteboy telling me that I don't look good, Okay.

Anton Jackson:
Last week I performed in Barefoot in the Park.

Miss Wilson:
Oh, the play?

Anton Jackson:
No. Somebody stole my shoes.

Anton Jackson:
Excuse me, your majesty. As you can see, I do not have any representation. I tried calling Jacoby & Meyers, but they wanted a retainer, and I wasn't about to give up my jockstrap to nobody. So, I'd like to act as my own executioner on this here case.

Redd Foxx:
Hello Quasimodo, I need some welfare for my son.

Aunt Esther:
How did you get such a cute child, you old fish-bellied heathen?

Redd Foxx:
Don't touch him! He's allergic to animals.

Aunt Esther:
Something's fishy about this.

Redd Foxx:
You're smelling yo upper lip. Gimme the check, Godzilla.

Anton Jackson:
Objection, you honor! That's pure conjecture!

Judge Wapner:
Sustained

Anton Jackson:
[to audience] I'm just as surprised as you.

Anton Jackson:
See all this early American furniture I got around here?

The reporter:
This is early American?

Anton Jackson:
Well if you don't get there early, the garbageman will take it away.

Detective:
[Wanda picks up a knife] Aaaaugh! no no don't kill me, don't kill me, God, don't kill me, don't kill me.

Ugly Wanda:
Shut up, be quiet, shut up. I ain't gonna kill you, I just gotta pick something outta my teeth.

Detective:
Oh God, oh I thought you were going to kill me.

Ugly Wanda:
And then you know what I'm gonna do?

Detective:
What?

Ugly Wanda:
I'm gonna rock your world.

Detective:
Kill me.

Little Richard:
Elvis couldn't even tie my blue suede shoes! I wouldn't let him pet my hound dog, oh no! If Elvis is the King, then what am I?... Shut up!

Little Richard:
Everyone stole from me! Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles, I was blind first!

Della Reese:
Honey, sometimes I don't want a whole portion. I just want a little taste, and that's why I developed Della Reese's Pieces. Honey, you don't have to feel guilty about having whole portions any more, because I've already taken bites out of everything for you.

Stu Dunfy:
Born in 1804, Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote such classic fiction as "The Scarlet Letter" and "The House of the Seven Gables". For $100, how stank was his mother?

Stu Dunfy:
Author and humorist Samuel Clemens wrote the classic "Tom Sawyer" under his better known pseudonym. What was that pseudonym, and how big was his mama's butt?

Damien "Foosball" Franklin:
Yo mama's so blind, she got eyes on her butt and still can't see squat.

Ed O'Neill:
And your mama's so fat, before God said "Let there be light" he told her "Move your big butt out of the way".

T-Dog Jenkins:
Yo mama's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling Volkswagens.

Amfeny Clark:
Yo mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.

Damien "Foosball" Franklin:
Yo mother's so fat, the back of her neck look like a pack of hot dogs.

Ed O'Neill:
Your mama's so fat, after sex, she smokes turkeys. She's so fat, after makin' love to her, I roll over twice and I'm still on her.

Margaret Hedley:
But Papa, how can I t'ink about working when I am in love. It's just like when you and Momma just met, remember?

Papa Hedley:
I never love your mother! I marry your mother because she had six jobs.

Momma Hedley:
What happened to that nice Korean boy you was dating? He had a hundred jobs.

Margaret Hedley:
Him dead now. Him drop dead on a job interview.

Momma Hedley:
Well, that means one hundred job openings!

Peter Marshall (himself):
In your hit song Tutti Frutti, we all know Kim Fields is Tutti, but who exactly is Frutti?

Little Richard:
You gonna make me cut you in half.

Rush Limbaugh:
My radio show is more popular than a drunk broad at a Kennedy party.

Peter Marshall (himself):
What would you say is the most worn out spot in your house?

Jackee:
Ohhh, I'd have to say my G-spot.

Darrell:
I agree.

Peter Marshall (himself):
That's right and circle gets the square.

Anton Jackson:
Remember, Safety Last when you ain't got no money.

Anton Jackson:
Join me next week when I'll be showin' you how to make a Jacuzzi out of a garbage can. This is Anton for This Ol' Box sayin', Hasta la somethin' or other.

Grandpa Jack McGee:
Ok, that's just about ready for the oven. [opens refrigerator instead of oven] Brrr I gotta remember to preheat that sucker.

Homey D. Clown:
You have no respect for authority and decided to play by your own rules. I'm proud of you, son.

Antoine Merriwether:
Then we have "Murder She Wrote"

Blaine Edwards:
Now this show is always about some old lady runnin' around tryin' to find out who dunnit, when it's obvious she ain't done it in a long time.

Antoine Merriwether:
The first show we took a look at was "Designing Women".

Antoine Merriwether, Blaine Edwards:
Hated it.

Antoine Merriwether:
Now you know, I don't know who designed these women, but they need to go back to the drawing board.

Various:
I thought you said you look like Vanna White.

Ugly Wanda:
I do look like Vanna White.

Various:
You look like Slappy White!

Ugly Wanda:
Now don't make me get ugly.

Various:
Honey, I think we about a hour past ugly.

Ugly Wanda:
I'm about two months overdue. I just crossed my legs and hold it in cause I want me a Capricorn.

Nurse:
I just need a little information for the birth certificate. What's the horse's... uh, the father's name?

Darnell Bond:
Bartender, malt liquor, shaken, not stirred.

Darnell Bond:
I'm Bond, Darnell Bond.

Lo Fat:
I'm Fat, Lo Fat, and this is my girl, Ho, Fat Ho.

Count Dracula:
You don't understand. I am a vampire. I have to have blood.

Wanda Wayne:
Oh, OK then. What kind of blood you need? I got A negative or O positive. I got you.

Mom:
I'm so sorry. They're usually very well behaved children. They're just a little mischievious... like their mom!

LaShawn:
Mm-hmm. Uh, well, that is so heartwarming that it makes me want to run out and get pregnant and go through nine hours of labor just so I can know what you're talkin' about.

LaShawn:
But, um, if your little angels are so well behaved... why come they runnin' round here like they at a special at Kmart or something?

Ugly Wanda:
I've been fantasizing about you and kissing your picture and stuff.

Luther Vandross:
You look like you've been kissing a weed whacker!

T-Dog Jenkins:
Yo mama's so fat, they had to baptize her at Sea World.

Anton Jackson:
Some of you may already recognize me from some of my many television appearances. I was on the 6 O'clock news last night. Yeah, I was the dude in the choke hold.

Antoine Merriweather:
Did you really like it?

Blaine Edwards:
Cross my heart and hope to look like Whoopi Goldberg in my next life.

Blaine Edwards:
Our next piece we're gonna discuss is Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa.

Blaine Edwards, Antoine Merriweather:
Hated it!

Antoine Merriweather:
Where are Miss Mona's eyebrows? Tell me!

Blaine Edwards:
Yes, I think somebody went a little tweezer crazy.

Various:
[sketch portraying a sleazy TV informercial pitchman] Hi. I'm Loomis Simmons. Ladies, do you long for the pitter patter of tiny little feets in your house? Are you worried that the kookoo bird in your biographical clock has stopped layin' eggs? I hope so. But you don't have to worry, when you let me KNOCK YOU UP!

[spoken as the last three words appear on screen in capital letters]