Inherent Vice

Sortil?ge:
[from trailer] [narrating] If it's a quiet night out at the beach and your ex-old lady suddenly out of nowhere shows up with a story about her current billionaire- developer boyfriend, and his wife, and her boyfriend, and a plot to kidnap the billionaire and throw him in a loony bin...

Shasta Fay Hepworth:
[approaches Doc] I need your help, Doc!

Sortil?ge:
[continues narrating] Maybe you should just look the other way. [pause] But if you're Doc, it may all start to get a little peculiar after that...

Doc Sportello:
[from trailer] [stumbling at the top of a staircase with his gun] Did I hit you?

Sortil?ge:
[from trailer] [narrating] Doc may not be a "Do-Gooder" but he's done good. [pause] Good luck, Doc!

Sortil?ge:
[from trailer] [when the end of the trailer displays the word "December"] Coming just in time for Christmas.

Lt. Det. Christian F. "Bigfoot" Bjornsen:
[from trailer] Michael Z. Wolfmann...

Sauncho Smilax, Esq:
Mickey Wolfmann...

Young Woman:
Mickey Wolfmann!

Lt. Det. Christian F. "Bigfoot" Bjornsen:
-has vanished!

Doc Sportello:
So- so, where would I- uh... find him?

Aunt Reet:
[from trailer] [to Doc about Mickey Wolfmann] He's technically Jewish but wants to be a Nazi.

Lt. Det. Christian F. "Bigfoot" Bjornsen:
[in Japanese restaurant] Chotto, Kenichiro, Dozo! Motto panukeiku... motto panukeiku! MOTTO PANUKEIKU!

Deputy D.A. Penny Kimball:
[from trailer] [as Doc walks in the office] Whoa!

Detective:
Are you alright?

Deputy D.A. Penny Kimball:
Am I?

Doc Sportello:
Are you?

Detective #2:
Ordinarily, we're the ones asking the questions...

Coy Harlingen:
And your question is, which side am I on?

Doc Sportello:
Good question!

Man at Desk:
[smirking] Wrong answer...

Jade:
Hi, I'm Jade. Welcome to Chick Planet Massage! Please take a look at today's P*ssy Eater's special which is good all day until closing time.

Doc Sportello:
How much is it?

Jade:
$14.95.

Doc Sportello:
Errr, not that $14.95 ain't a totally groovy price, but I'm really trying to locate this guy who works for Mr. Wolfmann?

Jade:
Oh, does he eat p*ssy?

Doc Sportello:
A fella by the name of Glenn Charlock?

Jade:
Oh sure, Glenn! He comes in here. He eats p*ssy!

Sortil?ge:
[narrating] Well Mornin' Sam, like a bad luck planet in today's horoscope, here's the old hippie-hating mad dog himself in the flesh: Lieutenant Detective Christian F. "Bigfoot" Bjornsen. SAG member, John Wayne walk, flat top of Flintstone proportions and that evil, little sh*t-twinkle in his eye that says Civil Rights Violations.

Dr. Threeply:
Any questions?

Doc Sportello:
[in regards to Puck Beaverton] Is that a swastika on that man's face?

Dr. Threeply:
No, it isn't. That's an ancient Hindu symbol meaning "all is well". It brings good fortune, luck and well-being.

Sortil?ge:
[Opening Lines] She came along the alley and up the back steps the way she always used to. Doc hadn't seen her for over a year. Nobody had. Back then it was always sandals, bottom half of a flower-print bikini, faded Country Joe & the Fish t-shirt. Tonight she was all in flatland gear, hair a lot shorter than he remembered, looking just like she swore she'd never look.

Sortil?ge:
Back when they were together she could go weeks without anything more complicated than a pout. Now she was laying some heavy combination of face ingredients on Doc that he couldn't read at all.

Doc Sportello:
Saunch, who you working for?

Sauncho Smilax, Esq:
Clients pay me for work, Doc. Clients pay me for work, Doc!

Chlorinda:
[to Doc and Sauncho] And to drink, gentleman? You're going to want to get good and f***ed up before this meal!

Shasta Fay Hepworth:
It isn't what you're thinking, Doc.

Doc Sportello:
Don't worry. Thinking comes later. What else?

Doc Sportello:
[Referring to the Golden Fang] And the ship?

Sauncho Smilax, Esq:
Man... they removed any traces of soul she once had, it's a horror story.

Doc Sportello:
Are you emotionally involved? With the boat?

Sauncho Smilax, Esq:
She's not just a boat Doc... she's much more than that.

Sortil?ge:
[Narrating] Inherent vice in a maritime insurance policy is anything that you can't avoid. Eggs break, chocolate melts, glass shatters, and Doc wondered what that meant when it applied to ex old ladies.

Shasta Fay Hepworth:
I went on a boat ride.

Doc Sportello:
A three hour tour?

Shasta Fay Hepworth:
They told me I was precious cargo that couldn't be insured because of inherent vice.

Doc Sportello:
What's that?

Shasta Fay Hepworth:
I don't know.

Sortil?ge:
[Narrating] Coy's band, The Boards, were currently renting a place in Topanga Canyon from a bass player turned record company executive, which trend watchers took as further evidence of the end of Hollywood, if not the world, as they had known it.

Sortil?ge:
[Narrating] Was it possible that at every gathering, concert, peace rally, love-in, be-in, freak-in, here up north, back east, where ever, some dark crews had been busy all along reclaiming the music, the resistance to power, the sexual desire from epic to everyday? All they could sweep up for the ancient forces of greed and fear? Gee he thought... I don't know.

Lt. Det. Christian F. "Bigfoot" Bjornsen:
I've decided I'm gonna kick Mr. Sportello.

Sauncho Smilax, Esq:
You're gonna kick him? That's assault!

Japonica Fenway:
Are you The Great Beast?

Dr. Rudy Blatnoyd, D.D.S.:
No that's a policeman.

Dr. Rudy Blatnoyd, D.D.S.:
Ms. Fenway may appear a little psychotic today.

Denis:
Groovy.

Dr. Rudy Blatnoyd, D.D.S.:
What?

Denis:
It's groovy being insane man, where you at?

Doc Sportello:
Are you okay, brother?

Lt. Det. Christian F. "Bigfoot" Bjornsen:
I'm not your brother.

Doc Sportello:
No, but you could use a keeper.

Sortil?ge:
[referring to the police station] On principle he tried to spend as little time around the glass house as possible. All this strange alternative cop history and cop politics, cop dynasties, cop heroes and evil doers, saintly cops and psycho cops, cops too stupid to live and cops too smart for their own good, insulated by secret loyalties and codes of silence from the world they'd all been given the control.

Doc Sportello:
How would I forget something like that?

Deputy D.A. Penny Kimball:
Grass. And who knows what else?

Doc Sportello:
I'm only a light smoker.

Deputy D.A. Penny Kimball:
How many joints have you had today?

Doc Sportello:
I have to check the logbook.

Doc Sportello:
So, what've you been up to?

Japonica Fenway:
Escaping, mostly, and I escape real good.

Denis:
Like Godzilla says to Mothra man, let's go eat some place.

Sloane Wolfmann:
Do you like the lighting?

Doc Sportello:
Uh-huh.

Doc Sportello:
Can I be frank a minute?

Agent Flatweed:
Why stop now?

Agent Borderline:
Please.

Doc Sportello:
You be Deano, you be the other guy, and tell Penny Davis Jr. what a lovely day we had.

Petunia Leeway:
Well, it's dark and lonely work but somebodies gotta do it right?

Doc Sportello:
Where you stayin'?

Coy Harlingen:
House in Topanga Canyon. Band I used to play for, the Boards, none of them know it's me.

Doc Sportello:
How can they not know it's you?

Coy Harlingen:
Even when I was alive they didn't know it was me.

Sortil?ge:
[Narrating] Doc ran through all the things he hadn't asked Shasta. Like how much she'd come to depend on Wolfmann's guaranteed level of ease and power? And least askable of all, how passionately did she really feel about old Mickey? Doc knew the likely reply, "I love him", what else? With the unspoken footnote that the word these days was being way too overused.

Michael Z. Wolfmann:
I spent my whole life... I spent my whole life making people pay for shelter and all along I didn't realise... I didn't realise it was supposed to be for free. For free.

Hope Harlingen:
I had just run into this bathroom stall without checking first, and I already had my finger down my throat to vomit up this big balloon of dope I had just scored, and there Coy sat, gringo digestion, about to take this giant sh*t. And we both let go at the same time, and there's just vomit and sh*t all over the place, and- put my head in his lap, and to complicate things, he had this hard-on.

Doc Sportello:
Sure.

Hope Harlingen:
One thing leads to another, and we pretty much started shooting up together on a regular basis.

Larry "Doc" Sportello:
"C'est la vie" — Que se-f***ing sera sera.