Inside the Actors Studio

James Lipton:
What is your least favorite word?

Mark Wahlberg:
Is "Marky Mark" one word?

[interviewing the cast of "The Simpsons" as their characters]

James Lipton:
Homer, what is your full name?

Dan Castellaneta:
Homer J. Simpson. The J stands for Jay.

James Lipton:
What do you do at the Nuclear Power Plant?

Dan Castellaneta:
I am a safety inspector. I tell people to be safe. And safen up!

James Lipton:
Safen up?

Dan Castellaneta:
Safen up!

James Lipton:
Since you're still here, and Springfield is still here, I assume you have an umblemished record.

Dan Castellaneta:
Well... there's a few blemishes on it.

James Lipton:
Ever come close to a meltdown?

Dan Castellaneta:
Oh, a number of times! If that's what you mean by "blemishes".

James Lipton:
What is your favorite curse word?

Jack Lemmon:
Cocksucking motherf***er.

[Lipton tries to get De Niro to say "You talkin' to me?"]

James Lipton:
The film Taxi Driver. In which, you spoke those immortal words...

Robert De Niro:
[uncomfortable] Well, you know... The usual.

Martin Sheen:
I love being Spanish as much as I love being Irish, and I *really* love being Irish.

[regarding Lipton's guest appearance on "The Simpsons," in which Ranier Wolfcastle appears on "Inside the Actor's Studio," gets into character as McBain, and shoots Lipton]

James Lipton:
Would it have been too much trouble for you to go out and get a prop gun?

Harry Shearer:
[as Ranier Wolfcastle] I'm not the prop man. I'm the actor!

[his infamous answer to "if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say to you when you reach the pearly gates?"]

Harrison Ford:
You're much better-looking in person.

James Lipton:
What is your favourite word?

Meryl Streep:
I... well, y'know, I don't want to lie...

James Lipton:
Don't lie.

Meryl Streep:
Because I knew that this was coming and so I asked my daughter what her favourite word is and she's six and ever since she said her favourite word, which she said without hesitating, I can't think of anything else...

James Lipton:
Say it.

Meryl Streep:
Coconut milk.

Meryl Streep:
[taking about Out of Africa] Sydney, I remember, didn't think I was sexy enough to play it.

James Lipton:
What did you do about that?

Meryl Streep:
They didn't have wonderbras in those days, but I wore a padded bra... a push-up bra and a low cut top... isn't that tragic?

James Lipton:
I believe you're a man who believes in revenge.

Harry Shearer:
[as Montgomery Burns] Yes! Hence the hounds.

[Lipton asks about the seven dirty words]

George Carlin:
Sh*t, piss, f***, c*nt, cocksucker, motherf***er, and tits. That was all I could think of in one sitting.

Student:
What is the importance of listening, and lastly, do you believe in aliens?

Steven Spielberg:
[laughs] Well, I was taught by my mom and dad that in Judaism, the most important prayer is Shema Israel, "Hear, O Israel! The Lord Our God, The Lord is One!", and it was taught to me - from childhood - that the most important thing I could do, as a Jew, was to listen. And that wasn't a way for a parent to say "I know more than you, I'm the boss, you shut up and I'll do all the talking". That wasn't that way at all. They meant listen to yourself. Listen to those little whispers that you tend to want to hear because they're too soft. We tend to somehow listen to the shout and not the whisper. So listening, carefully, is what I was taught all my life. I'm just saying that when people don't listen, it's not that they don't learn, they just deny themselves tremendous opportunities and glorious choices. They deny themselves this, and it's their own damn fault... I do believe in aliens.

Host:
What's your least favorite word?

Jude Law:
Paparazzi.

Host:
What's your favorite curseword?

Jude Law:
Bollocks!

James Lipton:
In a way, I've been waiting all my life to ask this. George Carlin, what is your favorite curse word?

[pause]

George Carlin:
[after consideration] Motherf***er.

Host:
In a way, I've been waiting all my life to ask this. George Carlin, what is your favorite curse word?

[pause]

George Carlin:
[after consideration] Motherf***er.

George Carlin:
[Jack Burns and I] felt that we should go to Hollywood. We should go to Hollywood and become a comedy team in nightclubs. Eight months later, we were standing in NBC's building doing The Jack Paar Show as "Burns & Carlin", about six months established. I can't explain the kind of breaks that have come my way and that are out there. Dreams come true. Dream your dreams, and massage them, and you'll live them out. I'm telling you, it works.

Host:
What turns you on?

George Carlin:
Reading about language.

Host:
How did writer/director Kevin Smith decide that George Carlin was the only person who could play Cardinal Ignatius Glick?

George Carlin:
Kevin came to me and he wanted me to play this. He said "I wrote this part, this character, with you in mind, and would you look at it?" So that got me into this... minor repertory company of... of Ben's, which is... where-where these folks show up a lot and that was my first one and I've done three now.

George Carlin:
I once told Kevin, I said "Kevin, I want you to know something. If you ever need a character to strangle six children, give me a call." Because I can do that character, and I can surprise a lot of people.

Himself - Host:
What is your least favorite word?

Mark Wahlberg:
Is "Marky Mark" one word?

[Kevin Spacey is doing some of his famous impersonations]

James Lipton:
Mr. Gielgud, American actors envy your impeccable diction. How did you acquire it?

Kevin Spacey:
[as John Gielgud] Oh, went to school, you know, trained for years and years.

James Lipton:
Marlon - [audience groans and laughs] English actors do *not* admire your diction. How did you acquire it? Could it, by any chance, have been a result of your training at the Actors' Studio?

Kevin Spacey:
[as Marlon Brando] Listen, I didn't learn tiddly-twat at the Actors' Studio. And frankly, I'm sick and tired of all you cats just livin' off my name forever, so leave me alone and bring me the Doritos.

[getting Kevin Spacey to do some of his famous impersonations]

James Lipton:
Now, I understand you have conducted a long correspondence with Kevin Spacey, and that he approached you once, Ms. Hepburn, and I would like to know - what's that story? What do you write about...?

Kevin Spacey:
[as Katherine Hepburn] He's a stalker! He just won't leave me alone!

James Lipton:
Well, when he writes to you, what do you respond?

Kevin Spacey:
[as Katherine Hepburn] He writes letters and goes on and on about himself, and I just say 'good for you!'

Himself - Host:
If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Harrison Ford:
"You're much better-looking in person."

[audience laughter]

Host:
What's your favorite curse word?

Ethan Hawke:
[enthusiastically] Motherf***er! You f***ing motherf***er!

[pause]

Ethan Hawke:
[to Lipton] I like the way it sounds.

James Lipton:
What is your favorite word?

Samuel L. Jackson:
Motherf***er

James Lipton:
What is your favorite curse word?

Samuel L. Jackson:
Motherf***er

James Lipton:
Being in love in France...

Johnny Depp:
Equals a baby...

James Lipton:
What is your favorite word?

Johnny Depp:
Why.

James Lipton:
Didn't that sound appropriate to you? It did to me. What is your least favorite word?

Johnny Depp:
No.

James Lipton:
What turns you on?

Johnny Depp:
Breathing.

James Lipton:
What turns you off?

Johnny Depp:
Not breathing.

James Lipton:
What is your sound or noise do you love?

Johnny Depp:
My daughter's voice.

James Lipton:
What is your sound or noise do you hate?

Johnny Depp:
Vacuum cleaner.

James Lipton:
What is your favorite curse word?

Johnny Depp:
Boy. This is a real opportunity here. I don't want to mess this up. I think the most expressive would be sh*t. Yeah. Sh*t works a lot.

James Lipton:
And it's just as good, maybe even better in French.

Johnny Depp:
Yeah, yeah. And it's used a lot. It's said more in French then anywhere else.

James Lipton:
Yes, it is. What profession, other than yours, would you like to attempt?

Johnny Depp:
Writing, I think. Writing.

James Lipton:
What profession would you absolutely not like to try?

Johnny Depp:
President of the United States.

James Lipton:
Johnny, if Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Johnny Depp:
Wow.

James Lipton:
Tell me first, please, about the name 'Depp.' Do you know its origin?

Johnny Depp:
No, I don't really know the origin, but I know what it means in German.

James Lipton:
What does it mean?

Johnny Depp:
[pause, grins] 'Idiot.'

James Lipton:
It's no secret to this audience that tonight we have the biggest crowd we've ever had here in nearly eight years... It was bedlam for a little while, people trying to get in.

Johnny Depp:
[smiles, embarrassed] I think there was some mistake.

James Lipton:
Not at all.

Johnny Depp:
Maybe a misspelling.

Johnny Depp:
[on 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'] I was playing Hunter, so I had to, you know, figure out a way to steal his soul. [chuckles] I lived in his basement, which we called 'the dungeon,' for a couple months.

James Lipton:
No wonder you came out Hunter Thompson! And shaved your head?

Johnny Depp:
Hunter shaved my head, in fact.

James Lipton:
Did he really?

Johnny Depp:
Yeah.

James Lipton:
The two of you looking in the mirror until it was right...

Johnny Depp:
I didn't look in the mirror at all! I was in mortal fear. Hunter had a mining light on his head [audience laughs] and we were in his kitchen, you know, and, uh, he shaved my head.

Johnny Depp:
Ed Wood is actually made up of three ingrediants.

James Lipton:
And they are?

Johnny Depp:
The blind optimism of Ronald Reagan, the enthusiasm of the Tin Man, and Casey Kasem. [audience laughs]

Dustin Hoffman:
Failing is not the worst. Committing a sin is worse. Not failing. Committing a sin. You know, putting something out there that you think is safe and that you think "Well, I won't get hurt, it's derivative, it's worked before." It's kind of a sin because you're denying yourself your... gift, I guess. There's nothing wrong with failing. You're gonna fail. I fail. Everything is "Success! Success! Success! Success!" Fine! Fine. But give me something that is "Ooooh!", that's in the "Oooh!" You know? Let the film not work, let the actor not even be consistent, but put me in there, in that place with somebody. That's worth everything.

Dustin Hoffman:
If you're in your 20s, I tell my kids it's a "question mark decade" in a sense. We're told that we should know what we want to do, and it's a terrible thing. "What are you gonna do? What are you gonna be? Well, how can you make a living with that? Well, I'm paying for your college, you gotta - " no, no, no, no, no, no! It's your question mark. You're never gonna have this luxury again of not knowing, and it is a luxury not to know. You can play! You must do that! You must! It's your only way not to go crazy; meaning, if you're gonna wait for the job, you will die.

Himself - Host:
I'd be remiss if I didn't bring up the subject of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." [applause]

Seth Green:
This is so funny! Like, you just have to understand - we're on "Inside the Actors' Studio" and he's like [imitates Lipton] "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." [audience laughs] It was a rare opportunity for a goofy, awkward kid to play a guitar-playing werewolf rock star. I mean, that just seemed like... that seemed like a swing in the right direction. [laughs] I got to make out with girls and fire hand-held crossbows. It was pretty cool.

Himself - Host:
To what heights cannot a boy aspire in our democracy?

Seth Green:
See what I'm sayin'? And I got an action figure out of it, so, up high. [raises hand as if for a high-five]

Himself - Host:
[on Mila Kunis not being present at the taping] I'm talking of course about Mila Kunis; the wonderful irony of that role is that the exceedingly plain Meg is played by this exceedingly beautiful woman. [shows a photo of Mila]

Alex Borstein:
I'm glad she's not here; I look prettier.

Himself - Host:
For that matter, so do I.

Himself - Host:
In Family Guy, tell me, Loretta, how does a hot-blooded woman like you wind up with a peaceable man like Cleveland?

Alex Borstein:
[as Loretta] I think it's... ying-yang, [Seth bursts out laughing] opposites attract. [in her regular voice] He divorced me, though, it's over.

Himself - Host:
I know.

Mike Henry:
[as Cleveland, indignantly] You f***ed Quagmire!

Alex Borstein:
[as Loretta] Well...! You gave me girth; I was lookin' for length.

Himself - Host:
You've said on occasion that you love God because he's so deliciously evil.

Seth MacFarlane:
[as Stewie; gleefully] Mmm, oh, he's a bastard!

Himself - Host:
Really?

Seth MacFarlane:
[as Stewie] He's a wicked bastard! The things he does; let me tell you. Have you read the Old Testament?

Himself - Host:
Yes.

Seth MacFarlane:
[as Stewie] Good Lord, there's some f***ed-up sh*t in there!

Himself - Host:
And now the moment the students have waited for: what is your favorite curse word?

Seth MacFarlane:
"Jesus Christ."

Alex Borstein:
[happily] "C*nt."

Seth Green:
I'm a big fan of "motherf***er," but when Tom Hanks was on here, he reminded me that "horseshit" is fantastically useful. Because it sounds so classic - when someone's like "oh, blah blah," and you're like "that is HORSESHIT!" [grins]

Mike Henry:
A series of "f***s." [angrily] "F***, F***, F***! [quietly]... f***."

Himself - Host:
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

Seth MacFarlane:
"I'm really sorry about all my followers."

Alex Borstein:
"You look much thinner in person."

Seth Green:
"You can slam-dunk up here."

Mike Henry:
"I never judged you based on all the sh*t jokes and all the muff jokes you told. C'mon in."

Alex Borstein:
[as Lois, giggling] It's not every day I'm on Lipton's show!

Seth MacFarlane:
[as Peter, to Alex] If you want to sleep with him, I will be okay with that.

Alex Borstein:
[as Lois] Really? He can be my freebie?

Seth MacFarlane:
[as Peter] Remember how we said "freebie"? Yeah.

Alex Borstein:
[as Lois] Really?

Seth MacFarlane:
[as Peter] Yeah, yeah. You get him, I get Bonnie Franklin. That's you. There you go. You are welcome. He's a classy guy.

Alex Borstein:
[as Lois] Okay.

Seth MacFarlane:
[as Peter] And I betcha... [to Lipton] I speak for you, sir... [to Alex] I bet he's gotta big dick.

[audience laughs and applauds]

Seth MacFarlane:
[as Peter, to audience] What? It's - I'm a guest - I'm a guest and you're supposed to pay your host a compliment. [to Lipton] That is my compliment to you, sir, Mr. Lipton. I bet you have - you have a formidable penis.

Alex Borstein:
[as Lois, to audience] He's certainly not denying it, is he, folks?

Himself - Host:
If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

James Gandolfini:
[after thinking for a moment] "Take over for a while. I'll be right back."

James Lipton:
What sound or noise do you hate?

Michael J. Fox:
When your nose whistles...

Himself - Host:
What is your favorite curseword?

Robert Downey Jr.:
Seven syllables: son of a cock-loving whore!

James Lipton:
You've said "'Home for the Holidays' was, for me, one of the most relaxed performances in the history of cinema."

Robert Downey Jr.:
Yeah.

James Lipton:
What was relaxing you?

Robert Downey Jr.:
[immediately] Black tar heroin.

James Lipton:
[taken aback] What?

Robert Downey Jr.:
[laughs; to audience] Do you see how sweet and innocent he is about this stuff?

James Lipton:
I'm from Michigan. I'm square.

Host:
What's your favorite word?

Robin Williams:
Cloaca. It's a real word. It exists because it's, uh, only certain bugs have it. It's a combination a**hole and vagina. Next to that I think "abbondanza" is a great word.

Host:
What's your least favorite word?

Robin Williams:
C*nt. Least favorite word because it's so negative. It's the one word that'll get me kicked out of the house. I once let it fly, it was like [mimes door slam and makes noise] , okay, that was it, bye, bye-bye.

Host:
What turns you on?

Robin Williams:
My wife's laugh. It's incredible. [audience goes "awwww"] That noise, "awwww". But yeah, it's quite wonderful.

Host:
What turns you off?

Robin Williams:
Violence towards children.

Host:
What sound or noise do you love?

Robin Williams:
[makes fart sound] Because it's musical, it could be anything. It's the most humanizing noise. To know that even the Pope could be going "Quanda la giura..." [makes fart sound] And that's when the bring out the smoke, you know. [mimes swinging censer, says phony Italian words]

Host:
What sound or noise do you hate?

Robin Williams:
Screeching of brakes. Because it usually implies something is gonna happen.

Host:
What's your favorite curse word?

Robin Williams:
It's my favorite because I'm a big fan. P*ssy.

Host:
What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?

Robin Williams:
Neurologist or theoretical physicist. Those are the people I kinda admire.

Host:
What profession would you not like to participate in?

Robin Williams:
Bomb tester.

Host:
If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Robin Williams:
"There's seating near the front. The concert begins at 5. It'll be Mozart, Elvis, and one of your choosing." Or just nice, if heaven exists, to know that there's laughter, that'd be a great thing. Just to hear God go, "Two Jews walk into a bar...".

Host:
What brought you from Chicago to Detroit? [in the meaning of WHY did you move from Chicago to Detroit]

Robin Williams:
A plane.

Robin Williams:
So sad when you give prozac to a cat. It just sits in the corner going: "Me".

Robin Williams:
My mother was a Christian Dior Scientist. She was very... she was really the kinda part of my whole comedy upbringing.

Host:
What about your dad?

Robin Williams:
Oh, very elegant man.

Host:
Very elegant?

Robin Williams:
Yeah, very kinda reserved, except after a couple of cocktails. He'd go, you know, very happy. Not like "Wo-hoo, look who's on the table!" No, he would: "What? Do you want a car?" I'm 5. "OK!"

Host:
What's your middle name?

Robin Williams:
McLaurin. That's Irish.

Host:
It is Irish.

Robin Williams:
Ya, and then I'm also Welsh, which means every so often I have to occupy myself.

Himself - Guest:
[His least favorite word] a three word phrase Hollywood Bad Boy

Host:
Plant tree or animal?

Stephen Sondheim:
Standard poodle.

Himself - Host:
[talking to Nancy doing Bart] You seem to like calling Moe's Tavern.

[Nancy smirks at Hank]

Himself - Host:
Do you recall any of the more popular names that you and Lisa have used in those phone calls?

Hank Azaria:
[as Moe] Wait a minute, that was you?

[audience laughter]

Nancy Cartwright:
I'll just give him a call. Hello? Ring a ding ding.

Hank Azaria:
Yeah, Moe's Tavern. What?

Nancy Cartwright:
Yeah, I'm looking for a fellow. Last name "Sexual," first name "Homer."

Hank Azaria:
Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is there a Homer Sexual here?

[audience laughter]

Hank Azaria:
Hey, what? Oh, that little...

Himself - Host:
[laughing] You never fail at that, do you, Bart?

Nancy Cartwright:
Wait a second, hold on. Redial. Hello? Ring a ding ding.

Hank Azaria:
[improvising wildly] Yes, Moe's Tavern, home of the world's smallest large screen TV.

[audience laughter]

Himself - Host:
Mr. Burns?

Harry Shearer:
[as Mr. Burns] Yes?

Himself - Host:
What is your occupation?

Harry Shearer:
Mogul.

[audience laughter]

Himself - Host:
Tell me, if you will, how you feel about your employee, Homer Simpson.

Harry Shearer:
Who?

[audience laughter]

Himself - Host:
Homer Simpson. You know, the guy who falls asleep at the safety desk?

Harry Shearer:
[as Smithers] He's, uh, one of your drones in sector 7-G, sir.

[quickly switching back to Burns]

Harry Shearer:
Oh, yes!

Himself - Host:
[about Harry's college years] What did you study there?

Harry Shearer:
Political science. But the real answer to your question is "as little as possible."

[audience laughter]

Himself - Host:
In the past two decades, very few movies have made me laugh as hard as "This is Spinal Tap."

[audience cheers and applause]

Himself - Host:
Who wrote that movie?

Harry Shearer:
Uh, the answer to that question is every actor who appears in it wrote that movie.

Himself - Host:
Who wrote the songs?

Harry Shearer:
We all did.

Himself - Host:
You did.

Harry Shearer:
Yes.

Himself - Host:
Music and words?

Harry Shearer:
Music and words.

Himself - Host:
Rough estimate, how many times have you said "drinks on the house"?

Hank Azaria:
[as Moe] Approximately... never.

[audience laughter]

Julie Kavner:
[as Marge] I have more than one G-spot.

Himself - Host:
[laughing] Really? And where might the other one be?

Dan Castellaneta:
[as Homer] Yeah, Marge, tell me!

[audience laughter]

Himself - Host:
Apu?

Hank Azaria:
[as Apu] What is it?

[audience laughter]

Himself - Host:
I haven't the courage even to try and pronounce your last name. Would you say it for me?

Hank Azaria:
Everyone has such difficulty with this, and I don't understand it. It is "Nahasapeemapetilon". It sounds exactly the way it is spelled.

[audience laughter]

Himself - Host:
What is your country of origin?

Hank Azaria:
I am from India.

Himself - Host:
Aha. And your immigration status?

Hank Azaria:
I believe I was a semi-legal alien.

Himself - Host:
[laughing] Semi? Semi-legal alien? What is the name of your store?

Hank Azaria:
It is the Kwik-E-Mart.

Himself - Host:
That makes it sound like a convenience store. How do you make it truly convenient for your customers?

Hank Azaria:
I keep the beer next to the salty snacks, and things like this. There is really an art. There is an art, James.

Himself - Host:
Oh, yeah. I know that convenience stores can be either inexpensive or expensive, because of the convenience. Let's take a little poll here. How much is a twenty-nine cent stamp at the Kwik-E-Mart?

Hank Azaria:
A twenty-nine cent stamp, I believe, is... a dollar eighty-nine.

[audience laughter]

Himself - Host:
How much would two dollars worth of gas be?

Hank Azaria:
That's four twenty.

[audience laughter]

Himself - Host:
Four twenty.

Hank Azaria:
Yeah.

Himself - Host:
And tell me, how much is the penny candy?

Hank Azaria:
Surprisingly expensive.

[audience laughter]

Himself - Host:
Moe?

Hank Azaria:
[as Moe] Yeah, what?

Himself - Host:
I have never been privileged to have any Duff beer. Does it come in a variety of...?

Hank Azaria:
Yeah, there's a lot of Duff beer. There's Duff, there's Duff Lite, there's Duff Dark, there's Duff Dry, uh, there's raspberry Duff, there's tartar control Duff.

Himself - Host:
Really?

Himself - Host:
As a Simpson character on one wonderful, brief occasion, I am proud of my cartoon ethnicity. Can someone tell me how the Simpsons characters became yellow?

Yeardley Smith:
I can.

Himself - Host:
Please.

Yeardley Smith:
Matt apparently thought it would be really funny if, when people watch "The Simpsons", they thought maybe the color on their TV was off.

[audience laughter]

Yeardley Smith:
So, and that they were trying to get the flesh tone on the Simpsons. But they just couldn't. "They're still yellow. What's going on?"

Himself - Host:
Why did I, why does every cartoon character have only three fingers?

Hank Azaria:
That's animation tradition.

Nancy Cartwright:
It's because it's cheaper.

[audience laughter]

Himself - Host:
Well, just think over the years how many millions of dollars have been saved by not putting in that pinkie.

Nancy Cartwright:
That's it. It's time. Seriously.

Himself - Host:
Why does everybody on the show have an overbite?

Hank Azaria:
That's a Groening-esque art thing.

Himself - Host:
That was Groening?

Yeardley Smith, Hank Azaria, Dan Castellaneta, Nancy Cartwright:
Yeah.

Dan Castellaneta:
He says it's a world without chins.

[audience laughter]