Interstate 60

Lynn Linden:
What? Something wrong with the way I f***ing talk?

Neal Oliver:
No, no, no no no... I mean yes. Yes, you make Mike Tyson sound like an Oxford graduate.

Bob Cody:
Hey, Bob Cody. I don't drive, and I don't like to hitchhike. When I hitchhike I am at the mercy of the driver. But when I pay for the ride, I'm the employer, and I call the shots. That's how I like it. So you want to work for me?

Neal Oliver:
Well, I'm going to Danver. I wouldn't mind making some money.

Bob Cody:
Good. I'm going to Renburg. It's on your way. Here's my proposition. You pay for gas, pay for your meal. No alcohol while you're on payroll. I pick the radio stations. I initiate all conversations. I'll pay you $10 cash every hour, and the mileage money when we get to Renburg. In all other matters, you play straight with me, I'll play straight with you. So do we have a contract?

Neal Oliver:
We have a contract.

Bob Cody:
So who's my new employee?

Neal Oliver:
Neal Oliver.

Bob Cody:
Mr. Oliver, you may call me "Mr. Cody" or "Sir".

Neal Oliver:
You've got it, Sir.

Valerie McCabe:
Valerie McCabe, Yale '91. I've got a special rate for visitors, and I know I can win your case.

Neal Oliver:
You don't even know my case.

Valerie McCabe:
The Madison case? Nuisance suit. Happens to visitors all the time. Fact is J.J. Madison doesn't even have a cat. He's allergic. I could have it thrown out in no time.

Neal Oliver:
Wait, he never had a cat. So, why's he going to sue somebody for it?

Valerie McCabe:
Because he can.

Neal Oliver:
What?

Valerie McCabe:
Every adult citizen of Morlaw is a lawyer, so everybody sues everybody else. It doesn't matter if there's a cause. It's how we ensure that everyone makes a living off their profession.

Neal Oliver:
Yeah, but that's insane.

Valerie McCabe:
I could sue you for that. You just made a defamatory remark about his town. Hey, are you looking at my legs? I could sue you for that too, sexual harassment.

Neal Oliver:
Is there anything you can't sue me for?

Valerie McCabe:
Hire me. That way, everything between us is subject to attorney-client privilege. I'm $75 an hour. First hour is free.

Neal Oliver:
Well, at least you know my case. All right, you're hired.

Neal Oliver:
Okay, so if everyone, who lives here, is a lawyer, how do you live? I mean, who runs the grocery store. Who does your dry-cleaning? Who fixes the shitter when it breaks?

Valerie McCabe:
Well, we all moonlight on the law-related jobs. You know, police, bailiffs, court reporters. But those other, trivial things you mentioned? They're done by people like you, awaiting trial. It's the only way they can afford their legal fees.

Valerie McCabe:
Fred, Mr. Oliver is a potential fugitive. Lock him up.

Neal Oliver:
Lock me up?

Valerie McCabe:
Of course. We lawyers have to protect our livelihood.

Neal Oliver:
Wait; you can't do this to me. I have rights.

Valerie McCabe:
I know you do, Sweetie. I'm here to protect them.

Neal Oliver:
I love this highway.

O.W. Grant:
Now one young couple wished to be married and live happily ever after. So I blew up their car at the church on the way to the honeymoon. Another guy he wanted great, perfect sex everyday with his choice of gorgeous women - no pregnancies. So everyday he gets a FedEx delivery of a skin magazine and a box of tissues.

O.W. Grant:
Don't take it personal kid. I f*** with everybody.

O.W. Grant:
As I say, messing with people's heads can be a lot of fun. You should try it.

Neal Oliver:
So what are you? An angel or a god?

O.W. Grant:
No, no, I'm just a guy that likes to mess with people's heads.

O.W. Grant:
Every event is inevitable - if it wasn't, it wouldn't happen.

O.W. Grant:
Say - you have a birthday coming up, don't you?

Nancy:
How'd you know that?

O.W. Grant:
Don't forget to make a wish.