Issues 101

Bill:
Well, according to the bylaws, you have to give elected officials three months to prove themselves before talk of ANY impeachment can occur.

Jeff:
Meanwhile, this damn fool is out blowing our money on the damn stock exchange.

Bo:
I know what I'm doin'.

Tim:
Bo...

Bo:
I really do!

Tim:
Bo, no offense. These don't sound like companies that are worth anything! Nobody's ever HEARD of them!

Jeff:
And where the f*** do these companies come from?

Bo:
They're companies... from... the Internet.

Beefy Frat Brother:
What the f*** is that?

Brutal Frat Brother:
Why don't you, uh, take off your pants and come join us?

Christian:
Ah, I don't know, man. Th-that's kind of crazy.

Brutal Frat Brother:
That's kind of the point.

Brutal Frat Brother:
My turn. I want some of this.

Christian:
Not yet. I'm gonna teach this cock-sucker just how to do it right.

Brutal Frat Brother:
Dude, you're harder to get a hold of than a greased pig at a county fair.

Joe Phillips:
Gimme your hand. You got nice hands.

Christian:
Joe, stop f***ing around!

Joe Phillips:
Now, gimme your hand. I'm helping you.

Christian:
Oh, this is helping me?

Joe Phillips:
Yes. I think I know something about you.

Christian:
And what's that?

Joe Phillips:
You can tell a lot by a guy's hand, whether he's loving, caring, sensitive and sweet, or about to get his rocks off.

Christian:
F***! I KNEW you'd find out! That f***ing b*tch, Mark. I KNEW he'd f***ing tell you!

Steve Radberry:
You're here so I can make sure you're all right. F***in' A.

Joe Phillips:
No, I'm here because you're Christian's big brother.

Steve Radberry:
So, they didn't haze you?

Joe Phillips:
I didn't say that.

Steve Radberry:
Damn it. Uh, they promised me they were going to stop that crap already. You're here, and I'm supposed to tell you that just because you sucked some guy's dick does not make you gay.

Joe Phillips:
What?

Steve Radberry:
Well, you did play with a guy, did you not?

Joe Phillips:
Well, that's kind of personal.

Steve Radberry:
Well, it's okay. I can't believe that they're still doing that stupid ass thing.

Joe Phillips:
Would it make a difference if I told you I was gay?

Steve Radberry:
Shut the f*** up. You are not.

Joe Phillips:
I...

Steve Radberry:
Listen, I'm sorry, but just because they made you play with some guy's dick does not make you gay, all right?

Joe Phillips:
It's not all right.

Steve Radberry:
Listen, you like girls, don't you?

Joe Phillips:
No.

Steve Radberry:
Whatever happened in that room or wherever, d... It doesn't change the feeling that you have urges to be with women.

Joe Phillips:
I don't have urges to be with women.

Steve Radberry:
Whatever. It doesn't change you. Really.

Steve Radberry:
Joe, what is it with you and guys with issues? There are actually normal gay guys out there who are happily gay and want to be gay.

Steve Radberry:
That's not a "what." That's... that's a "what-the-f***!"

Joe Phillips:
It just seems weird, don't you think? I mean, taking your f***-buddy up to spend quality time with your girlfriend?

Christian:
Well, I hope you don't mind, but I kind of invited my younger brother Michael up for the weekend. That way, you have someone to hang with while Kim and I are doin' the... relationship thing. But in the meantime, get to know Michael.

Joe Phillips:
What if we don't have anything in common?

Christian:
Oh, you do.

Joe Phillips:
What?

Christian:
Let's just say... you like the same thing.

Christian:
Look, Joe, I f***ed up. I f***ed up badly. God! I was just so jealous of you and Michael.

Joe Phillips:
How can you get jealous of Michael and I? You're not gay, remember?

Christian:
Well, I can tell you that doesn't stop me from being jealous.

Joe Phillips:
I can't read your mind. I don't know if you want me... I don't... I don't even know if you're hitting on me. I don't know if I can hit on you. I don't know if you want me to be close to you. I don't know if you want me far away. I have no idea what you want. If you want me around, you gotta... you gotta... you gotta clear some stuff up here. You gotta help me out.

Michael:
I thought you said that you loved me! You said that I was the only one! You said that I was your first!

Joe Phillips:
You are! You were!

Michael:
Bullshit! You lied to me.

Joe Phillips:
I didn't lie to you. I meant everything I said. I didn't lie.

Michael:
Then why is there a loose videotape of my ex-"boyfriend" f***ing somebody else?

Lisa Lindbert:
I would like to thank Pi Pi Rho fraternity for their support in this very important election. I would also like to make it clear that I am not making an issue out of the fact that Joe Phillips is gay.

Student reporter:
Lisa, question.

Lisa Lindbert:
Yes.

Student reporter:
Yes, what do you plan on doing about the governor cutting classes and raising tuition?

Lisa Lindbert:
Thank you for asking that question. That is a very important question. That is the type of issue we need to all have on our minds, not the fact that Joe Phillips is gay.

Joe Phillips:
I just thought you were asking me to move in here, with you.

Todd:
M-m-move in with me? No. What, do you think I'm gay or something?

Joe Phillips:
Yeah. You're not?

Todd:
No. Why would you think that? Where did you get that?

Joe Phillips:
I don't know. I mean, you asked me out for a drink...

Todd:
No. No-no. I asked you to come over here, and we could have a beer, and we could talk about the fraternity. That's it. We're just talkin', man. That is ALL.

Bill:
As you journey through the brotherhood, you will each have one particular member to help guide you, though all members will be available for guidance. You will each be given a big brother. Your big brother is the one to look towards during this pledgeship process. Tonight, you will each have an opportunity to meet with your big brother and become acquainted with him. In fact, your big brother is the one standing directly behind you. You are now all officially pledges. Congratulations.

Bill:
[privately to Joe] Unfortunately, there's a slight problem with the big brother selection. I don't want you to assume that his lack of attendance here tonight is reflected upon his lack of desire to be your big brother. You will simply meet him as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

Bo:
Hey, can, um, I have your chocolates?

Tim:
Do you have a vagina I'm tryin' to get my dick into?

Joe Phillips:
If you want something from her, you gotta prove to her that she's worth something, okay? And you gotta prove that you're not gonna run away.

Tim:
Away? Where?

Joe Phillips:
That you're not... That it's not just a one-night-stand.

Tim:
Well, that's pretty f***in' stupid. Why would I wanna have sex with her just once? I mean, what is she thinking?

Joe Phillips:
Well, she's probably thinking about all the other guys that've just had sex with her and then taken off.

Tim:
She's had sex with a lot of guys that just took off?