It's a Boy Girl Thing

Nell Bedworth:
[First time sitting on a toilet while in Woody's body] Gross! I have to touch it? Ooooo!

Woody:
[Waking up in Nell's body] Tits? Oh my God! I have tits! I have TWO tits!

Woody:
[inhabited by Nell, looking at a boy standing next to him at the mens' urinals] Nice penis.

Breanna:
[after Woody, in Nell's body, consents to having her bush shaved] Okay girls, we have a green light on the Brazilian Wax!

Woody:
[inhabited by Nell] So we've got the wrong lives, but sometimes you just got to get on with life. Let things fall into place.

Woody:
[inhabited by Nell, seeing how Woody has dressed her body for school] You look like a common prostitute.

Nell Bedworth:
[Woody in Nell's body] Damn... I was going for high class hooker.

Nell Bedworth:
[as Woody, after hearing a poem Shakespeare wrote to a man] The bard was a bender. Who woulda thought?

Nell Bedworth:
[Woody in Nell's body gives up the task of putting on a bra] Ladies, looks like you and me is going au naturel.

Woody:
[voiceover: Woody in Nell's body, putting on a bra] Ah, it's tough enough getting these damn things off! How the hell does anyone know how to get these freaking things on?

Nell Bedworth:
[Woody in Nell's body to Nell in Woody's body on dealing with morning erections without touch] Well, there is one thing that I do in case of emergencies. Sort of let's the air out of the old tire, if you know what I'm saying. First, I close my eyes, and I think of you. Pssst. Works every time.

Woody:
[inhabited by Nell] What exactly is it that people like me don't get?

Nell Bedworth:
[inhabited by Woody] People like ME!

Woody:
Then educate me, PLEASE.

Nell Bedworth:
Okay. We like to play ball. Maybe we're even pretty good at it. So... maybe we get accepted at some second-rate, sh*t-kicker college, or maybe we go work for our dad at the spatula store. Who knows. But what we don't get is a great job, a big apartment in the city, and a Yale education.

Nell Bedworth:
[inhabited by Woody] I'm a loser, I'm trouble and I'm stupid. It's basic genetics. Can't help it.

Woody:
[inhabited by Nell] Funny... never took you for a quitter.

Woody:
That no racket! That's Mystikal!

Woody:
Nice grab, Horse. How's it hangin'?

Horse:
To the floor, my friend. Now what's say we shift this baby into warp drive, huh? Wancha to feel the wind blowin' through the hair in your fine, muscular ass.

Nell Bedworth:
But chew on this: While archetypal outsiders such as myself rarely fit comfortably into high school environments, THIS is as good as your life will get: The big football star and his vacuous cheerleader girlfriend.

Breanna:
HEAD cheerleader.

Nell Bedworth:
Hm. Because, let's face it, the old grey matter ain't exactly top-range, now is it, Woodster. So you'll end up with a job in Spachlor World, with your Dad, and probably marry Breanna here, but soon you start drinking to numb this aching feeling you have inside. And, you fast-forward a few years, and you're a drunk, fat, depressed guy at a bar talking about the good old days, while your little wife, whose looks and stuff have gone to doodoo, is propping up her own self-esteam by indulging in squalid sexual encounters with your friends behind your back.

Woody:
What friends?

Nell Bedworth:
I'm guessing most of 'em. Have a good day.

Mr. Zbornak:
Let's get your learn on.

Horse:
Yo, hop in, man. We got places to go, people to see, women to impregnate. Let's go.

Horse:
Do you know what the coach would do to your nuts if you don't show up tonight? No, I'll tell you: He will grind them into dust - nut dust.

Nell Bedworth:
[inhabited by Woody] What're you wearing?

Woody:
[inhabited by Nell] Chinos and an Oxford cotton button down I found it in the back of your closet.

Nell Bedworth:
Which is exactly where it's meant to stay until another one of my relatives croaks.

Woody:
Nonsense. You can't beat a classic look.

Mr. Zbornak:
Woody, you... you crying?

Woody:
[inhabited by Nell] Yeah.

Mr. Zbornak:
What's... what's wrong?

Woody:
I'm sorry. I just found out I lost my virginity in a trailer park.

Woody:
Think about it, Harry. Are you willing to trade the love of a good woman for the cheap thrill of a tawdry one-night stand?

[Horse laughs]

[Woody, in Nell's body, gets to hear what Breanna has to say about their break-up]

Breanna:
I was only seeing him because he's football captain. Without me he's just another dumb jock with his brains in his shorts, which is convenient because there's not much else going on down there, if you catch my drift?

Woody:
[inhabited by Nell] Can we just keep playing football, please?

Nell Bedworth:
[inhabited by Woody] Sure, as long as you keep my dick out of your butt.

Woody:
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and... temperate. Rough winds... blah blah blah... There's something in there I can't remember. And, uh... yadda yadda yadda. I'm sorry, I... I'm no Shakespeare. My guess, Romeo wasn't much of a quarterback either, right?

Nell Bedworth:
Come here, dumb jock.

Woody:
Try and stop me, pencil-neck.