It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Sylvester:
I'm coming, Mama! (while he drives as fast as he can to his mama, Ethel Merman)

Lennie Pike:
So lets see, now, I got 1 share for being 1 person, 1 share for going down the hill, 1 share for the truck, and 1 share for being a person in the truck, but no matter how you figure it out, I still don't get as much as anybody else!

Melville Crump:
Let me explain once more. [Points pen at J. Russell Finch, Mrs. Marcus, and Emmeline Marcus-Finch] Them, their group, they, those 3, they get $112,000. [Points pen at Dingy Bell and Benjy Benjamin] Those over there, them, they get $97,000. [Points pen at himself and Monica] We, we, us they get $84,000. [Points pen at Pike] And you, by yourself, you get $56,000, alone, and that's tax free money.

Lennie Pike:
What do you mean "tax free"?

It's The Biggest Entertainment Ever To Rock The Screen With Laughter!

If ever this mad, mad, mad, mad world needed "It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world" it's now!

Everybody who's ever been funny is in it!

Culpeper:
I don't think you have to worry about that. My wife is divorcing me; my mother in-law is suing me for damages; my daughter is petitioning the court to get her name changed; my pension has been revoked, and the ONLY reason, that you ten idiots will very likely get off lightly, is because the judge will have me up there.....to throw the book at!

Benjamin:
Look, we figured this out eighteen different ways. And no matter how we figured out it, somebody didn't like it! So from now on it's every man for himself, and may the best man win! [points to Mrs. Marcus] Except you, lady! You can just drop dead!

Pike:
All right, now we all agree on that.

Dispatcher:
Attention, all units. The Crumps are locked in a hardware store basement. Shall I let them out?

Culpepper:
How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement?

Hawthorne:
And then there is this infantile preoccupation with BOSOMS! They've become the dominent theme in American culture! I'll wager you anything you like that if American women stopped wearing brassieres, your entire national economy would collapse overnight!

Dingy Bell:
[to Benjy] What do you mean "Who's flying the plane?" Nobody's flying the plane!

Otto Meyer:
[Spotting an angry Pike approaching] Oh, no! It's that lunatic! The one who escaped from the asylum! He's a homicidal maniac! He's got a hate complex! Go away,I'm not your nurse!

Mrs. Morgan:
(A very funny line). Comedian Groucho Marx was written in to play a doctor to say a line at the end of the movie. He turned it down. He jokingly said he would be "Mrs. Morgan" in a letter to a fan.

Russell J. Finch:
[to Mrs,Marcus] Your son Sylvester is a no-good, irresponsible, loudmouth bum. If he isn't a crook, it's only because hasn't got the brains or the ambition even to BECOME a crook!

Lennie Pike:
(on Mrs.Marcus) "If you told me she once starred in a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it!!"