It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World

Sylvester Marcus:
Mama, who's with you? Where are you talking to me... Where are you?

Mrs. Marcus:
I'm with this truck driver in Peterson's garage in a place called Plaster City. And will you just shut up a minute so I can tell you what happened?

Sylvester Marcus:
Now listen to me, Mommy, listen to me close. You stay right there, because I'm coming, Mom. I'm coming to get you.

Mrs. Marcus:
Will you SHUT UP AND LISTEN?

Sylvester Marcus:
Mama, it's alright. Everything's gonna be alright. Your baby's coming to get ya. I'm coming to get you, Mom. Just sit there. Sit there, relax, take it easy. I'm coming to get you, Mama. Everything is gonna be alright.

Mrs. Marcus:
So he's coming here. And I'm not to worry about a thing, because everything is going to be alright.

Mrs. Marcus:
Exactly like your father: a big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!

Lennie Pike:
Even businessmen, who rob and cheat and steal from people everyday, even they have to pay taxes.

Benjy Benjamin:
Now look! We've figured it seventeen different ways, and each time we figured it, it was no good, because no matter how we figured it, somebody don't like the way we figured it! So now, there's only one way to figure it. And that is, every man, including the old bag, for himself!

Ding Bell:
So good luck and may the best man win!

Benjy Benjamin:
Except you lady, may you just drop dead!

Lennie Pike:
All right, we all agree on that. Now look, let's be sensible about this. There's money in this for all of us. Right? There's enough for you, and there's enough for you, and for you, and there's enough for...

Emmeline Finch:
Oh Russell, I feel sick.

J. Russell Finch:
Now take it easy honey, these things happen ya know.

Mrs. Marcus:
Now what kind of an attitude is that, these things happen? They only happen because this whole country is just full of people, who when these things happen, they just say these things happen, and that's why they happen! We gotta have control of what happens to us.

Third Cab Driver:
Can't you see I'm talking on the phone? Huh? Give me two minutes! Now listen to me, Sir, I...

Melville Crump:
Will you take us to Santa Rosita state park?

Third Cab Driver:
What's the matter, what happened to you? What was ya, in some kind of initiation?

Melville Crump:
We had an accident. We fell into yellow, alright? Hurry up!

J. Russell Finch:
Here,

J. Russell Finch:
take this and go hire us the best car you can find.

Lennie Pike:
But... this is a little girl's bike. This is for a little girl. Oh listen, I got to get this stuff back in so I can lock up the van.

J. Russell Finch:
We'll put everything away. Will you get going please, will you hurry?

Lennie Pike:
Oh okay... I gotta admit. I feel kinda silly. You know what I mean?

Sylvester Marcus:
I'm coming. That's what I'm here for. That's why you had me, Mama, to save you.

J. Algernon Hawthorne:
I must say that if I had the grievous misfortune to be a citizen of this benighted country, I should be the most hesitant of offering any criticism whatever of any other.

J. Russell Finch:
Wait a minute, are you knocking this country? Are you saying something against America?

J. Algernon Hawthorne:
Against it? I should be positively astounded to hear anything that could be said FOR it. Why the whole bloody place is the most unspeakable matriarchy in the whole history of civilization! Look at yourself! The way your wife and her strumpet of a mother push you through the hoop! As far as I can see, American men have been totally emasculated- they're like slaves! They die like flies from coronary thrombosis while their women sit under hairdryers eating chocolates & arranging for every 2nd Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day! And this infantile preoccupation with bosoms. In all time in this Godforsaken country, the one thing that has appalled me most of all this this prepostrous preoccupation with bosoms. Don't you realize they have become the dominant theme in American culture: in literature, appetizing and all fields of entertainment and everything. I'll wager you anything you like that if American women stopped wearing brassieres, your whole national economy would collapse overnight.

Tyler Fitzgerald:
You know what I need? I need a drink. There's some ice and stuff back there. Why don't you make us all some old fashioneds?

Ding Bell:
Old fashioneds, do you think you oughta drink while your flying?

Tyler Fitzgerald:
Well stop kidding will ya and make us some drinks! You just press the button back there marked "booze". It's the only way to fly!

J. Russell Finch:
Now I give you my word. I wanted to stop you, he wanted to stop for you. But tell him, tell him how my mother in-law made us drive right by you...

Lennie Pike:
Listen, anything you got to say about your mother in-law, you don't have to explain to me. You know what I mean? Like if she were the star of a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it.

Mrs. Marcus:
Now for the last time. Are we calling Sylvester or not?

J. Russell Finch:
No! We are not! And I'll tell you why not. Because your son Sylvester is an irresponsible, unreliable, big loudmouth no good bum! Who if he isn't a crook? Its because he doesn't have the brains or ambition even to become a crook!

J. Algernon Hawthorne:
I say good show!

J. Russell Finch:
Hey, did you see th-the way he went SAILING right out there?

Lennie Pike:
So! So someone will stumble over the little girl's bicycle in the dark, huh? Well when I'm finished with you, they'll be stumbling over YOU in the dark!

Otto Meyer:
I can't cross here. You said the main road. This is Niagra Falls. Alright, you're a little boy. You wanna be a big boy? Which way to the main road?

Benjy Benjamin:
Dingy, don't let this worry you. We're gonna get killed.

Man in car in desert:
Trouble? Having any trouble?

Mrs. Marcus:
Yes, and we don't need any help from you!

Man in car in desert:
Well!

Ding Bell:
You see our grandmother lives in Rosita Beach, see, and she's dying and she kinda like to have us be with her when she goes.

Benjy Benjamin:
Otherwise she won't go.

Benjy Benjamin:
Uh, she'll go!

Benjy Benjamin:
Wall? Walnut tree?

Ding Bell:
No.

Benjy Benjamin:
Walnuts?

Ding Bell:
No.

Benjy Benjamin:
In bags?

Ding Bell:
NO!

Benjy Benjamin:
If I have to climb much more of this I'll be lying down there with him!

Lennie Pike:
And then they decide I'm supposed to get a smaller share, like I'm someone extra special stupid. Even if it is a democracy, in a democracy it don't matter how stupid you are, you still get an equal share.

Third Cab Driver:
They're up to something funny, you hear what I'm telling you? Now, did you see the blonde I brought? All covered with paint and her dressed ripped. Now what was that all about?

Second cab driver:
Yeah. And what about the picks and shovels?

Mrs. Marcus:
"No matter what you've all done today, you're really not criminals". Ha! Of all the snooty, patronizing...

Mrs. Marcus:
You're stepping on my foot!

Sylvester Marcus:
Would you get off Mama's foot?

Dinckler's Hardware Store clerk:
I'm sorry, we're closed. It's 12:00.

Melville Crump:
It's 12:00, they're closed. WAIT A MINUTE! All we want is a pick and a shovel.

Dinckler's Hardware Store clerk:
Well, Mr. Dinckler is inside...

Melville Crump:
Dinckler. That's it, we'll get Dinckler, come on.

Capt. T.G. Culpeper:
Now Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself for a little shock. When I tell you what happened...

Ginger Culpeper:
Tell me, tell me. I've got this biscuit dough...

Capt. T.G. Culpeper:
The Smiler Grogan case is solved.

Ginger Culpeper:
The WHAT? Now what the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?

Sylvester Marcus:
That's my mommy. She's gone crazy or something. MAYBE RAPE! OH!

Otto Meyer:
So, what's wrong with your wife?

Miner:
That's the trouble, the doc's not sure. He says whatever it is, she's too sick even to be moved. She needs this special stuff and we haven't got a phone so I went to get it and that's when... Slow down, the turning is just up here.

Otto Meyer:
Turning? You mean it's off the road?

Miner:
Only a mile.

Otto Meyer:
Now look, Pal, I'm in a hurry...

Miner:
HOLD IT! Stop the car. Now listen, buddy, I'm sorry about your problems. But the doc said to hurry and this is my wife. Now come on, we turn right here.

Otto Meyer:
But there isn't even a road...

Miner:
LISTEN! Don't force me to get rough!

Miner:
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bust up your car.

Otto Meyer:
That's alright. You say it's a mile? Heck, a mile ain't asking too much.

Police sergeant:
He just sits in there, rigid-like.

Switchboard operator Gertie:
If he catches you at that keyhole, *you'll* be rigid-like.

Ding Bell:
Ah, this is hopeless. We're gonna get noplace if we're gonna continue listening to this old bag.

Benjy Benjamin:
What are you trying to do, lady? You trying to split us up so it becomes every man for himself?

Ding Bell:
And every woman for HIMself?

Mrs. Marcus:
One more funny remark from you, buster...

Policeman:
You fellows alright?

Ray:
Now they show up. Where were you when we needed you?

Irwin:
Writing parking tickets, I suppose.

Policeman:
They're still alive.

J. Algernon Hawthorne:
You know I'm not entirely uncertain you haven't damaged this machine.

Melville Crump:
Look, why don't we just start digging for it?

J. Russell Finch:
Well suppose someone comes along? What do we tell them?

Monica Crump:
Well, we could tell them that we're here on an archeological expedition.

Melville Crump:
Aah!

Sylvester Marcus:
We don't tell them anything. We tell them to hit the road or we beat their brains in.

Tyler Fitzgerald:
Uh... Just a minute. I... I can't see.

Ding Bell:
What?

Tyler Fitzgerald:
Something's happened to my eyes. I-I-I can't - I can't see.

Ding Bell:
You can't see? He can't see.

Benjy Benjamin:
Must be an eye cold.

Tyler Fitzgerald:
George! George!

Sylvester Marcus:
Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's not enough room, Man, you're bugging me. You're bugging me.

Lennie Pike:
What are you talking about 'bugging'?

Sylvester Marcus:
Cut out, cut out.

Lennie Pike:
What's this 'cut out' talk?

Sylvester Marcus:
Out, baby. Out, baby. Out!

Lennie Pike:
Don't call me a baby!

J. Algernon Hawthorne:
Jolly nasty accident there. Jolly lucky nobody was hurt.

Mrs. Marcus:
Where did you get that funny accent? Are you from Harvard or something?

J. Algernon Hawthorne:
Harvard? Rather not. I'm English.

Mrs. Marcus:
Sounds so foreign.

J. Algernon Hawthorne:
Really?

Capt. T.G. Culpeper:
You know what I believe I'd like? A chocolate fudge sundae with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

Capt. T.G. Culpeper:
Nothing will happen here for five minutes.

Secretary Schwartz:
Mrs. Culpeper on the phone.

Capt. T.G. Culpeper:
No calls. No calls. No more calls.

Lt. Matthews:
Something's wrong.

Police sergeant:
Why? Does something gotta be wrong? He feels like a chocolate fudge sundae. So what? He has a chocolate fudge sundae.

Emmeline Finch:
I'm only thinking of Russell's condition.

Mrs. Marcus:
You mean his financial condition, because that's the only condition that he has.

J. Russell Finch:
Yeah but...

Mrs. Marcus:
Emmeline, do you know why your husband had a nervous breakdown? It's because he has sunk $40,000, including $15,000 of my money into a company that makes seaweed for people to eat.

J. Russell Finch:
Yeah but...

Mrs. Marcus:
And not only does nobody like it, but it costs over $4.00 a can.

J. Russell Finch:
Yeah but...

Mrs. Marcus:
Yeah but WHAT?

J. Russell Finch:
Well, most people like it and I like it, and I'm working hard trying to keep the cost down.

Mrs. Marcus:
Yeah you were working hard trying to keep the cost down the day that you ran out of your office and stood in the street screaming.

Emmeline Finch:
Mother!

Mrs. Marcus:
Oh Emmeline, shut up!

Mrs. Marcus:
And you too!

Lennie Pike:
It's buried under a big W. Say, what is a big W?

Ding Bell:
When we find out, we'll send you a 'Wire'.

Benjy Benjamin:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Melville Crump:
Filibuster. Filibuster. Ha. Now you can stick around and watch us take off.

Ding Bell:
Listen, Dentist, I hate dentists. And I hate you so much that I'm not able to tell you how much I hate you in front of your wife.

Benjy Benjamin:
And visa versa.

Melville Crump:
Why you... Come on over here!

Melville Crump:
COME ON over here!

Lennie Pike:
Weath... Witch... Work. That's it, work. I gotta work on where it is.

Mrs. Marcus:
Sylvester!

Sylvester Marcus:
Mama!

Mrs. Marcus:
Why couldn't you listen? Why couldn't you shut up when I was trying to tell you to listen?

J. Algernon Hawthorne:
Have a care, that chap's run absolutely amok!

Ding Bell:
Hey. It's that hokey dentist.

Benjy Benjamin:
Yeah.

Ding Bell:
Pass that cab.

Second cab driver:
What's the rush?

Ding Bell:
What do you mean rush?

Benjy Benjamin:
We ain't in any rush, we just wanna get there in a hurry.

J. Russell Finch:
You want me to tell you something? As far as I'm concerned the whole British race is practically finished. If it hadn't been for lend-lease. If we hadn't have kept your whole country afloat by giving you billions that you never even said "Thank you" for, the whole phony outfit would be sunk right under the Atlantic years ago.

J. Russell Finch:
What are you stopping for?

J. Algernon Hawthorne:
Get out of this machine.

J. Russell Finch:
Get out? You can't...

J. Algernon Hawthorne:
It's my machine, I will do as I bloody well please. Out!

J. Russell Finch:
I'm awfully sorry. I've been very edgy today and if I said anything about England, I apologize.

J. Algernon Hawthorne:
Glad to hear you say so.

Tyler Fitzgerald:
Anybody can fly plane, now here: I'll check you out. Put your little hands on the wheel there. Now put your feet on the rudder. There. Who says this ol' boy can't fly this ol' plane? Now I'm gonna make us some old fashions the old fashioned way the way dear old Dad used to.

Benjy Benjamin:
What if something happens?

Tyler Fitzgerald:
What could happent to an old fashion?

Mrs. Marcus:
You're overlooking one little thing.

J. Russell Finch:
Yeah, one little thing.

Ding Bell:
What little thing?

J. Russell Finch:
Yeah, what little thing?

Mrs. Marcus:
We can all count, can't we? There were 8 of us there.

J. Russell Finch:
She's right. There were 8 of us there.