It's Tough to Be Famous

Janet Porter McClenahan:
I'd ask you in, but, I'm not dolled up for company.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Oh, I'm not company. I'm just a poor guy looking for peace and quiet.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Well, come on in. But, just for a minute. It's almost 12 o'clock and this is a highly respectable neighborhood.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
[Jokingly] Oh, I've heard differently.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Come on over here.

Janet Porter McClenahan:
No.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Why not?

Janet Porter McClenahan:
Oh, lots of reasons.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Who don't you trust?

Janet Porter McClenahan:
Myself, maybe.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
You can't forget the time you came down to Annapolis to see me graduate, can you?

Janet Porter McClenahan:
We were a couple of fools, Scotty. We almost spoiled a very wonderful friendship.

Janet Porter McClenahan:
You're a first class, a-number one, nut!

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Scotty, the Brazilian flyers reach South Field at nine o'clock tonight and you've got to go out there and welcome them.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Why do I have to welcome them? I don't know anything about flying. I couldn't even find Brazil on the map.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
It's a stinking outrage. It's worst than slavery! It's constant, night and day, letters, telegrams, reporters. You can't even call your soul, your own! Banquets for this, luncheons for that. receptions for something else.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
It makes me crazy mad to have my home spread all over the tabloids for the edification and amusement of a lot of yaps! Good grief, aren't we to have any privacy! What are we, human beings or a couple of goldfish living in a bowl?

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Janet, Janet honey, open the door. Darling, please open the door, I'm sorry, I apologize. I didn't do anything, but, I apologize.

Reporter fron the Star:
Are you joking?

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
No, no, I'm walking a tightrope on roller skates.

Reporter fron the Star:
But, you're going to welcome the flyers at Roosevelt Field tonight, aren't you?

Reporter fron the Star:
Oh, sure, of course, I'm dressing my grandmother up in pink tights and taking her along with me, piggyback.

Janet Porter McClenahan:
Well, I'll tell you the truth. I did give Chapin a couple of pages of, well, intimate details about your likes and dislikes.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Well, what the - Why did you do a stupid thing like that?

Janet Porter McClenahan:
Because, he asked me to. He says that an article about you in his magazine would help your career.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Does it help a man's career to have his wife make an ass of him?

Janet Porter McClenahan:
Oh, I don't give a hang what you do!

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Where'd she go? What'd she say?

Ada, Janet's Maid:
She done told me to tell you she packed and left. So, I done told you.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
I suppose I ought to know what you're talking about, but I don't.

Joseph Craig 'Joe' Chapin:
Ole Olafson, the third mate of the Danish Trans-Steamer. Don't you read the papers?

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Only the Sports section.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
That's swell. You can take your firm and your stupid expedition and your movie rights and newspaper articles and radio speeches and do anything you please with them! I've felt for a long time that I was underpaid.

S.J. Boynton:
Underpaid?

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Yes, yes, I know. I got 80,000 dollars a year from you. Two years ago, I was broke. Then, I had an accident. i was hardly conscious before you were around me like a flock of buzzards trying to cash in on it. You've even taken my wife away from me, with your filthy ballyhoo! You've taken away every single blessed thing I care about. My privacy! My self-respect! My life! I made faces, I made speeches, I've shaken hands and drooled into microphones. Being a hero to me has just meant wishing I was dead! It's been a swell show, gentlemen. We've had a long run and collected a lot of dough. But, the show's over! Do you understand that! It's over! Finished! And I'm going home!

Janet Porter McClenahan:
The trouble with our marriage has been, too much love and not enough real friendship.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Ah, bunk!

Janet Porter McClenahan:
Scotty, will you try something for awhile?

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Sure. What?

Janet Porter McClenahan:
Try being pals again. Like we were before we got married. I'll live with my folks and you live with Mom. We'll just see each other whenever we like; only, no lovemaking.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
You serious?

Janet Porter McClenahan:
Never more so, in my life. I've got to have time to find out if we really care for each other, or, if it's, well, animal attraction. Will you be a good sport and humor me?

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
I don't see any sense to it. But, I'm so goofy about you, I'll stand on my head if it will make you happy.

Janet Porter McClenahan:
Is it a bargain?

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Sure. What a sap a guy is, to fall in love.

Janet Porter McClenahan:
Ha-ha-ha, oh.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
No winding Dr. Cluck's tock? Not even a little bit?

Janet Porter McClenahan:
No, darling. Not for awhile.

Janet Porter McClenahan:
Ha-ha-ha. Are we idiots?

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Certainly, that's what honeymoon's are for!

Janet Porter McClenahan:
I'll bet even Dr. Tuck's clock thinks we are simple. Isn't that cute?

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Yes, just like Dr. Tuck too. Sort of quaint and kind and New Englandish.

Janet Porter McClenahan:
Exactly the kind of wedding present a sweet old soul like him would give. Our first piece of furniture. We'll have to furnish the rest of our apartment around it.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
The nucleus of our home, Dr. Cluck's tock.

Janet Porter McClenahan:
Ha-ha-ha. Dr. Cluck's tock. Oh, do you deny now that you're daffy?

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
I never denied it. But, you do like me a little bit, don't you?

Janet Porter McClenahan:
Oh, about a nickel's worth.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Is that all?

Janet Porter McClenahan:
[after they kiss, gets up to leave, starts to take off her robe, looks back] Oh Scotty?

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Yes, darling.

Janet Porter McClenahan:
[Seductively] Don't forget to wind Dr. Cluck's tock.

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Who's Joseph Craig Chapin?

Sanford, Naval Officer Helping Scotty:
I don't know, but, he must be a big boat to carry those three names. I wonder if he's the guy that owns Chapin's magazine?

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Maybe it's a misprint for Charlie Chaplin.

Janet Porter McClenahan:
[Calling on the phone] Scotty! This is Janet!

Scott 'Scotty' McClenahan:
Yes, darling! I-I mean, Janet.

Janet Porter McClenahan:
It's such a lovely night. I thought we, we, could, we might like going home to New York. I think tomorrow'd be a grand day to, to, wind, Dr. Cluck's tock.