ITV Saturday Night Theatre

[to two boys who are fighting in his gateway]

Mr. Armistead:
All right lads - in your own gateway. Good lads. Can't you strangle each other at home? That's why your fathers pay rates.

[Mr Armistead is giving the two team captains a pre-match pep talk]

Mr. Armistead:
Good morning. A few pearls of wisdom from one who knows. What we're now about to witness is called a football match - not the beginning of World War III, not the destruction of the human race - a football match. In it, each of the teams will attempt to score more goals than the other...

Albion Captain:
[glaring at Parker Street captain] What are you looking at?

Parker Street Captain:
[glaring back] Not much.

Mr. Armistead:
...That will be done by kicking the ball in the net, as opposed to kicking other people in the crotch.

Albion Captain:
Right.

Parker Street Captain:
Great.

Albion Captain:
Thanks.

Parker Street Captain:
Shall we start - or are we gonna stand here and freeze to death?

Mr. Armistead:
If I see a good clean exhibition of football skill, you won't know I'm here. If, on the other hand, and acting according to the new gospel of Lytham St Anne's, there's any foul tackles, shirt-pulling, swearing at me, dropping dead with St Vitus's Dance because some other player accidentally looks at you, out comes my little book and in it goes the name. Arguing with the referee will naturally not be tolerated.

Albion Captain:
Who the bloody hell's arguing?

Mr. Armistead:
Are you trying to get yourself into the Guinness Book of Records - the only player to be sent off before the game's even started?

Parker Street Captain:
[mutters] Like a bloody tape recorder.

Mr. Armistead:
Did you speak?

Parker Street Captain:
No, I was yawning.

Mr. Armistead:
Now may the best team win.

Albion Captain:
Why?

Adolf Hitler:
Are you mad? Are you insane?