Jack and Jill

Jill Sadelstein:
[after breaking his Oscar] Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! I am sure you have others, though.

Al Pacino:
Uh, you'd think it, but, uh, oddly enough, I don't.

Jack Sadelstein:
[to Jill] Don't forget your sweat shadow.

Jill Sadelstein:
Oh, please! Tell me you don't feel this.

[slaps herself]

Jack Sadelstein:
I didn't feel it. Maybe if you did it harder.

[slaps harder]

Jack Sadelstein:
Little harder.

[slaps a little more harder]

Erin Sadelstein:
No, Jill, stop it. He's kidding

Jill Sadelstein:
What?

[Gary punches her, knocks her out of the chair]

Otto:
Donkey fight!

Erin Sadelstein:
Jill, are you okay?.

Jill Sadelstein:
Yeah, no, I'm fine. Gary, that was... He didn't 100% percent connect.

Gary Sadelstein:
Feel that, Daddy?

Jack Sadelstein:
I... I actually did feel something, there. Pride in my son.

Jill Sadelstein:
Why are you so afraid to admit that we are connected? Face it. We shared Mom's womb. We were womb-mates.

Jack Sadelstein:
Oh, that is just disgusting.

Ted:
What's this about a twin?

Todd:
Oh, Jack. He has a twin sister.

Ted:
Are you kidding me? You never told me you had a twin sister.

Jack Sadelstein:
No, no, I mean, she's...

Ted:
Identical or fraternal?

Todd:
Nocturnal, like a bat.

Jack Sadelstein:
I can't believe this. This is insane, man! You gotta call him!

Jill Sadelstein:
Oh, cool your buns. You know I'm still hurting the whole Funbucket fiasco.

Jack Sadelstein:
No, but Pacino liked you! I swear to God, he really liked you!

Jill Sadelstein:
Oh, will you stop already? You know all he wants to do is play Twister with your sister.

Jack Sadelstein:
[after Jill's disastrous date that he's responsible for] I am such an idiot!

Erin Sadelstein:
You're an idiot? Jack, what did you do?

Gary Sadelstein:
Busted! Disgusted! Never to be trusted!

Gary Sadelstein:
What are you gonna wear Daddy... in hell?

Al Pacino:
[after seeing his Dunkaccino commercial] Burn this.

Jack Sadelstein:
[apologizing to Jill] I'm sorry that you make everyone uncomfortable. I really am.