Jackass

Brandon Dicamillo:
And today, good sirs, I will stick my lance far beyond where the light of our world shines, deep into the colon of our enemy. Sir Bam-a-lot, you will feel a lot of my lance in your ass.

Dave England:
I don't mean to toot my own horn, but BEEP BEEP!

Chris Pontius:
I'm not into bestiality, but that's a good-looking animal.

Ryan Dunn:
I'm Ryan Dunn, and I'm surrounded by morons.

Steve-O:
I'm sick of the whole pooping thing... I'm gonna go get my butt cheeks pierced together.

Bam Margera:
Oh, dude ! My f***ing tailbone is seriously broken ! I'm not even kidding !

Ryan Dunn:
He broke his tailbone... That's alright, we don't have tails anymore, what's the point of having one ?

Brandon DiCamillo:
Oooh... we're gonna go down these hills and get hurt ! It's Ghetto Carts, baby!

Scott Potasnik:
You guys are gonna hate me an hour from now.

Johnny Knoxville:
We hate you already.

Chris Pontius:
From my experiments with sexiness, it seems like a lot of people are afraid at first, and fear usually equals violence. But eventually I'll win their hearts, and instead of fighting, they'll want to make love to me.

Johnny Knoxville:
Even the men?

Chris Pontius:
Yep.

Johnny Knoxville:
I have a full grown, semi-nude man bound with duct tape in my truck and I was trying to get out to the desert to bury him. How do I get to 5 South?

Colonic Nurse:
You know John Wayne died with over 63 pounds of impacted feces in his stomach?

Johnny Knoxville:
Why do you think they called him "The Duke"?

Chris Pontius:
That guy right there is the best damn roller skater ever. Maybe even in the whole town.

[Johnny is arguing with a parrot]

Johnny Knoxville:
Don't tell me to f*** off, say "Jackass".

[after being sprayed with Pepper Spray]

Johnny Knoxville:
I feel like my eyes have gonorrhea.

Johnny Knoxville:
[while duck hunting] We killed Quack Quack!

Johnny Knoxville:
You were about five feet short of a ten-foot jump.

Bam Margera:
You don't matter... in fact, in about 20 seconds you're not even gonna be matter.

[after Ryan has jumped several times into a river in winter]

Bam Margera:
Are you cold?

Ryan Dunn:
You're an idiot.

Johnny Knoxville:
[while getting doused with red wine] Now I know what it feel like to be my liver!

Interviewer:
What does the smoke do?

Norm the Beekeeper:
Well, the smoke disorganizes and confuses the bees.

Interviewer:
Now, if we were to blow the smoke on Mr. Knoxville, would it confuse him?

Johnny Knoxville:
In the movie Cool Hand Luke, Paul Newman eats fifty hard boiled eggs without puking in one hour. We didn't think that was possible, so we staged our own little contest to see if any man OR woman could eat fifty eggs without puking. Well one thing; in our contest we encourage puking.

Johnny Knoxville:
[standing in the middle of the road] Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville and I'm about to get hit by a car real soon!

[opening line]

Johnny Knoxville:
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to "Jackass"!

Gene Simmons:
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to Jackass!

[sticks out his tounge]

Johnny Knoxville:
I'm Johnny Knoxville and welcome to Jackass!

Bam Margera:
[commenting on his dad with a small Elvis suit on] Oh dude, you like an egg with legs.

Brandon Dicamillo:
He penetrated my land as he penetrated my ass, and that is not permitted!

Steve-O:
I have your name tattooed on my ass. [while exposing a tattoo that say "Your Name" on his ass]

Bam Margera:
Phil gets off work in ten minutes, and I've got twenty paintballs up in this b*tch. He's gonna die.

Chris Pontius:
Russian police. Stern. Stern but fair.

Man on the street:
God bless you.

Chris Pontius:
[dressed up as Satan] God didn't bless me. He wrote a bunch of fibs about me.

Ryan Dunn:
I'm Ryan Dunn. Today I'm gonna do some land skiing up here in the Pennsylvania mountains and try not to die.

Bam Margera:
I'm Bam Margera, and I feel like kicking my dad's ass all day today!

Brad Pitt:
Hi! I'm Brad Pitt and I'm about to be abducted...

Chris Pontius:
My job on the show is to be naked, not kill myself.

Chris Pontius:
I wish life were more like a porno movie.

Ryan Dunn:
I gotta be horrible at everything, otherwise it just wouldn't be me.

Preston Lacy:
Um, tonight we're gonna get spanked by a couple of dominatrixes, up in 301.

Johnny Knoxville:
Dominatrices.

Preston Lacy:
Dominatrices? Sorry, my English ain't so good.

[the last line of the last episode]

Johnny Knoxville:
That's it, it's over. We should probably head to the bar now.

Chris Pontius:
They say Poland is the Mexico of Europe. I'm not sure of what that means, but I like it.

Chris Pontius:
Ever since puberty, I've dreamed of being a centerfold in 'Playgirl'.

Johnny Knoxville:
You're the crappiest human bowling ball I ever saw in my whole life!

Tony Hawk:
[dressed in a chicken suit, and about to ride a skateboard on a loop-to-ramp] I'm seriously going to die right now.

Steve-O:
[while asking a passenger for a butt piercing] She hates me, dude!

Steve-O:
Yeah, dude!

Chris Raab:
I'm Jackass, and you're watching Raab Himself...

Steve-O:
I'm not looking forward to this *at all*!

Himself - Danger Ehren:
Hi, I'm Ehren and this is the human Bulls-eye.

Johnny Knoxville:
So, we've driven an hour north from Miami to Boca Raton, believe it or not, to film Steve-O jump into nine days worth of elephant poo.

Johnny Knoxville:
[to a cow] Hi sweetie, I'm gonna inseminate you artificially... maybe for real if you play your cards right.

Bam Margera:
I want you to punch me in the face one second prior to take-off, so that it softens the blow.

Chris Pontius:
You like this song? Kinda makes you feel like partying. I kinda feel like partying right now.

[tears his clothes away and dances]

Johnny Knoxville:
There's no such thing as a pretty good gator wrestler.

Ryan Dunn:
I'm Ryan Dunn, and this is stupid idea rolling down a hill.