Jam

Chris Morris:
When dancing, lost in techo trance, arms flailing, gawky Bez, then find you snagged on frowns, and slowly it dawns, you're jazzing to the bleep tone of a life support machine that marks the steady fading of your day old baby daughter. And when midnight sirens lead to blue flash road mash, stretchers, covered heads and slippy red macadam, and find you creeping 'neath the blankets, to snuggle close a mangle bird, hoping you soon too will be freezer drawed. Then welcome. Mmm, ooh chemotherapy wig. Welcome. In Jam, Jam, Jam, Jam, Jaaaaam.

Businessman:
I provide a service despatching stupid people for the things they're best at. Like winning arguments. Stupid people are great at winning arguments because they're too stupid to realize they've lost.

Chris Morris:
Apparently somebody asked him what he was doing and he... he said he wanted to jump forty times off a first floor balcony rather than just straight off the top of a tall building, in case he decided to change his mind at any point. Clearly he didn't.

Car Owner:
Day before yesterday I picked me car up from the garage. Geezer says, "Over there, mate. Key's in the ignition". I looked, and I cannot bloody believe it. The car is only FOUR foot long! I said, "What's this?". He goes, "It's your car". I said, "What ya mean it's my F***ING CAR?". He said, "That's what it was like when you dragged it in here." And I said, "Don't f*** me about, how did I drive that here when it's only two foot six tall?". He said, "Ya must've put on some weight." Thought I was going f***in' mad. Then the manager comes up, I said, "What the f***'s going on here? I paid good money for this." He goes, "What's wrong with it?". I say "What do ya mean 'What's f***ing wrong with it?', look at the SIZE of it!" He goes, "What?" I said, "It's only about four f***ing foot long, what the f*** have you done with it?" He says, "Oh, well that's how it came in. I particularly remember that one cos I used to have one myself." A f***ing four foot Vauxhall Carlton though, f***ing yes. I said, "Is that it then? Is that what I have to drive away?" And he said, "It's your car, take it or leave it. It's up to you." So I had to f***ing squeeze into it, didn't I? F***ing knees round me ears, and this FOUR F***ING FOOT CAR is only TWO FOOT SIX TALL. I mean, what am I, F***ING NODDY?

Narrator:
And today, we saw Richard Madeley beating up a cleaner. And later being apprehended for f***ing a coffee machine.

Various Roles:
Make your spunk come out green... God I love it when your spunk comes out green!