Jaya Ganga

Jay:
Yo lunchbox, hurry it up.

Sissy:
Y'know, I don't get you, Justice. You used to be into all this girl stuff. Stealing, boning, blowing sh*t up, and now you're like this little priss with a conscience. It's really a f***ing drag.

Jay:
I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this f***ing face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this f***ing face. I make that sh*t work. It does whatever the f*** I tell it to. No one rules the C.L.I.T like me. Not this little f***

Jay:
, none of you little f***s out there. I AM THE C.L.I.T. COMMANDER! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little f***. Then I rub my nose with it.

Holden:
If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.

Jay:
What buzz?

Holden:
The Internet buzz.

Jay:
What the f*** is the Internet?

Banky:
Stop the movie? What are you, crazy?

Jay:
All these a**holes on the internet are calling us names because of this stupid f***ing movie.

Banky:
That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously. Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that.

Jay:
This isn't fair. We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. F***in', we got shot at, we stole a monkey, and I got punched in the motherf***ing nuts by a guy named Cock-Knocker.

Banky:
You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do, but Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman and Chronic. So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website, is NONE OF MY F***ING CONCERN.

Silent Bob:
Oh, but I think it is... We had a deal with you, on the comics remember, for likeness rights, and as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis, for your intellectual property, Bluntman and Chronic. When said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract, ergo you find yourself in a very actionable position.

Jay:
Yeah.

Jay:
Do they say who's f***in' playing us in the movie?

Holden:
No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies.

Jay:
Who?

Holden:
You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?

Jay:
You mean that f***in' movie with Mork from Ork in it?

Holden:
Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".

Jay:
Word, b*tch, Phantoms like a mallf***er.

Whillenholly:
It may not be my way, but damn if there dosn't go one happy family. All right, gang, let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner, and then when the guys come out with the monkey, we'll... F***beans. That was them, wasn't it?

Reg Hartner:
And we do want to say to the people at home, the clit is not something to be played with.

Brodie:
Oh my God. Don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for.

Jay:
What? Since when?

Brodie:
See, here's the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

Jay:
All you motherf***ers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna f*** your mothers while you watch and cry like little b*tches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax f***s who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our sh*t, then sh*t out our sh*t, then eat their sh*t which is made up of our sh*t that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherf***s are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.

Jay:
Jay and Silent Bob are in the hizzouse!

Jay:
Zoinks, yo!

Jay:
I hope one rips the other one's shirt off and we see some f***in titties floppin around, yeah!

Justice:
Hi, I'm Justice.

Jay:
And I'm so f***ing yours.

Jay:
Oh, Hi, I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-mate, Silent Bob.

Justice:
It's nice to meet you.

Jay:
Justice, that's a nice name...

Jay:
Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g...

Sissy:
Your sh*t is really getting tired, Justice.

Justice:
Call me 'Boo-Boo-Kitty-F***', b*tch.

Jay:
Hey. Get the f*** off her. That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.

Jay:
Three days to stop that f***ing movie from getting made. Come on, Silent Bob. We're going to Hollywood!

Willenholly:
Put the monkey down, and your hands up. Let's go, misters. Do you want to get shot? I didn't think so.

Jay:
Look, man. She doesn't want to go back to the lab. And for the record, I ain't gay.

Willenholly:
And for the record, while we're one the subject, I knew that wasn't a real little boy.

Jay:
And for one more record, he loves the cock.

Jay:
Holy hell, is that monkey waving at us? Oh sh*t. It understood us. Maybe it's some kind of super monkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? WHAT IF THEY'RE CREATING AN ARMY OF THEM? Holy sh*t. It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files... ROSWELL style. This little monkey could be the f***in' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey f***s'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. OH and only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry - YOU MANIACS! DAMN YOUS! Goddamn yous all to hell!

Chaka Luther King:
Cra-cra-cracker?

Cock-Knocker:
Not again.

Whillenholly:
I don't get out to the movies that much, but "Bluntman and Chronic" was blunt-tastic.

Randal Graves:
That was definitely worse than "Clash of the Titans."

Dante Hicks:
I can't believe Judi Dench played me.

Randal Graves:
Remind me to renew that restraining order.

Dante Hicks:
Why?

Randal Graves:
Because I'm going to blast that flick on the internet tonight.

Customer at Quick Stop:
Are you even supposed to be here today?

Dante Hicks:
Don't get me started.

Holden:
The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to b*tch about movies and share pornography with one another.

Holden:
F*** Jay and Silent Bob. F*** them up their stupid asses.

Holden:
Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupation are weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a b*tch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out, "When Lord? When the f*** can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl! F***! When, Lord when? WHENS GONNA BE MY TIME?"

Chaka's Production Assistant:
You the man.

Chaka Luther King:
No, you the man, and that's the problem.

Hooker #1:
Hey, little man! You want some of this?

Hooker #2:
How 'bout you, big boy?

Hooker #1:
You got 50 bucks, we can get NASTY.

Jay:
Oh, yeah? How nasty?

Hooker #2:
As nasty as you want to be, papi.

Jay:
Oh, all right. Well, first, I want you to tongue my bung, while you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my a**hole with the other, but don't stick you're finger in. Then I want to pinky you while I stick in your f***in' friend's brown, while Silent Bob watches, and f***in' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After that, I want to smell your titties for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick so it looks like a bullfrog. Then I want you to f***in' flick my nuts while your friend spanks me off in the same Dixie cup that Silent Bob jizzed in. Then, we throw the Dixie cup out.

Hooker #1:
Oh, that's it, honey! I quit! This job just passed the point of no return!

Jay:
What? You said "nasty"!

Jay:
Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck-up.

Jay:
Dude, I think I just filled the cup.

Chaka:
Another white boy in this movie? Damn.

Jay:
Don't you never say an unkind word about the Time. Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole f***ing lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smooth pimp who loves the p*ssy. And Tubby here is my black man servant. What.

Jay:
Hey, wait a second! Aren't you the guy who f***ed the pie!

Jason Biggs:
You see! It's never "Hey! You're that guy from Loser" or "Hey you rocked in Boys and Girls." No, it always comes back to that f***ing pie! I'm HAUNTED by it!

James Van Der Beek:
You put your dick in a pie!

Chaka:
This movie is gonna make House Party look like House Party 2.

Chaka's Production Assistant:
Or House Party 3!

Chaka:
Shut the f*** up.

Chaka:
Crazy crackers with guns. Its time I get my black ass out of here.

Cock-Knocker:
Don't f*** with the Jedi Master, son.

Jay:
Miramax? I thought they only did classy pictures, like "The Piano" and "The Crying Game".

Brodie:
Yeah, but then they made "She's All That" and it went downhill from there.

Jay:
Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that sh*t to school every morning for free?

Hitchhiker:
Don't be so suburban. It's the new millennium. Gay, straight... it's all the same.

Jay:
Yo. You guys need to turn those frowns upside down. And I got just the thing for that.

Jay:
We call them Doobie Snax.

Jason Biggs:
No. I, I love gay people.

James Van Der Beek:
Yeah, I'll bet you do.

Jason Biggs:
No, I'm fine with gay...

Jason Biggs:
Oh, look at the monkey.

James Van Der Beek:
Now you're gonna tell me the monkey's gay.

Jason Biggs:
Well, how do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole?

Jay:
What's twistin' this b*tches tit?

Justice:
Maybe it's because girls don't like to be called b*tches, Jay.

Jay:
They don't? How 'bout fine piece of ass?

Justice:
How 'bout not.

Jay:
Then what the f*** am I supposed to call you?

Justice:
Something sweet, ya big goof. Something nice.

Jay:
Boo boo kitty f***?

Justice:
That's... a start.

Jay:
I can't belive this sh*t. Five hours and not a single ride. Every day people hitch to Hollywood to stop studios from making films about 'em, but when you and me try it, it's like we're trapped in a f***in' cartoon.

Pumpkin Escobar:
I don't know what the F*** you just said, Little Kid, but you're special man, you reached out, and you touch a brother's heart.

Jay:
Hey, lawdog.

Whillenholly:
Aww, F*** Meeeee!.

Jay:
See you in hell, cocksmoker!

Silent Bob's Mother:
Bobby Boy, stay here while mommy picks up the free cheese, kay? Here, this will keep the sun out of your eyes.

Silent Bob's Mother:
You be good, now.

Jay's Mother:
Alright, don't you f***in' move you little sh*t machine. Your Momma's going to try to score.

Passerby:
What the hell? 'Scuse me. Who's watchin these babies?

Jay's Mother:
Uh - the fat one's watchin the little one?

Passerby:
Oh yeah, nice parenting. Leave 'em out here like that and see what happens.

Jay's Mother:
YO, F*** YOU YOU F***ING SQUARE!

Chaka:
Do you know that I came up with the idea for Sesame Street? I came up with it before PBS. The white man stole it. That's right. I was gonna call it "N.W.P." - Niggaz With Puppets. Catchy, ain't it?

Willenholly:
Oh my God. I'm paralyzed! That monkey shot me in the ass and paralyzed me! Oh sweet irony!

Justice:
You're not paralyzed. It was just a tranquilizer.

Jay:
Yo baby, you ever had your a**hole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?

Banky:
God, I'm so embarrassed.

Hooper:
You should be. They took your intellectual property and turned it into one 90-minute long gay joke. It was like watching "Batman & Robin" all over again.

Sheriff:
Are you f***ing crazy? Now they may be gay, but that's not their son. That's the ape.

Whillenholly:
I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now is the political fiasco I'm about to avoid here by letting this butt-f***ing Brady Bunch go.

Jay:
Die, you super-monkey f***.

Holden:
Nights like this... I miss dating a lesbian.

Whillenholly:
We don't want to rub the C.L.I.T. the wrong way.

Whillenholly:
Plaschke, this is Willenholly. I need you to get me on the national news, pronto. Why? Because we may very well be dealing with the two most dangerous men on the planet.

Brodie:
And on that note, we cue the music.

Jay:
Just call me Darth Balls... Bong.

Scooby Doo:
Hi, Ray and Rirent Rob.

Chaka:
I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody.

Whillenholly:
Wow. That was just an incredibly daring escape.

Jay:
What? I've got a wiping problem. I just stick those little pieces up my brown-eye and Bam! I get no stains in my undies. What you don't believe me? Check this sh*t out. Spead my cheeks, so he can see the f***ing stink nuggets!

Whillenholly:
Remember, folks... stimulation of the C.L.I.T is not recommended.

Jay:
Get off my Kool-Aid motherf***a.

Justice:
They didn't really steal the monkey. It was just a diversion so we could steal these.

Justice:
And they're not the leaders of the C.L.I.T. The C.L.I.T is not real.

Whillenholly:
No the clit is real. Its the female orgasm that's the myth.

Brent:
What's your damage, little boy?

Brent:
Hey Mr. Science Guy... don't spray that aerosol in my eye... for... for I... I don't really wanna die. I'm a noble rabbit...

Sheriff:
The hell with this. Let's go back to the station house, and cornhole us a drunk.

Whillenholly:
Who let the cats out?

Brodie:
It is a comic book, not your dick! Show some respect. Hold it like you'd hold a woman.

Holden:
Well, look at these morose motherf***ers right here. Looks like somebody sh*t in their cereal... Bong.

Whillenholly:
Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass.

Sheriff:
One rectal breach comin' up.

Banky:
Your friend's a f***ing clown shoe, you know that?

Silent Bob:
You know, after about five movies, I'm starting to realize that.

Whillenholly:
Sorry, Justice. We've gotta go.

Whillenholly:
Hey, stop stealing monkeys.

Jay:
F*** you.

Whillenholly:
Fair enough.

Chaka:
Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a roller and it was EXCELLENT.

Jay:
Just like Winnie the Pooh.

Ben Affleck:
Are we gonna have a problem... again?

Justice:
If I go to prison will you wait for me?

Jay:
Hmm, I don't know. Will you f*** me when you get out?

Jay:
Don't change the subject. Will you f*** me when you get out?

Justice:
Snoogans.

Banky:
Uh, Chaka? Hi, I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of "Bluntman and Chronic." We met a few weeks back, I'm the executive producer.

Chaka:
Oh, you're the executive producer. Well, why don't you executive produce me a latte - De-Crackinate it. Okay, F***y?

Banky:
Actually, it's Banky.

Chaka:
No, it is F***y.

Steve-Dave Pulasti:
Why can't Hollywood make a decent comic book movie?

Walt "Fanboy" Grover:
Tell 'em Steve-Dave.

Steve-Dave Pulasti:
Would you stop saying that?

Whillenholly:
And might I add, that is one fine looking boy you are raising.

Jay:
Hell yeah, that's because he's from my sperm. See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours that I f*** on the side so as to not be all the way gay, but my tubby husband here is 100% queer. He LOVES the cock.

Whillenholly:
The C.L.I.T. is an offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.

Reg Hartner:
Oh, you mean the Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement?

Daphne:
I think they passed out.

Fred:
Great. What do we do with them now?

Shaggy:
Let's cut out their kidneys and sell them to the black market and leave them in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.

Matt Damon:
Just take it from "It's a good course."

Ben Affleck:
Oh, now you're the director.

Matt Damon:
Hey shove it, Bounce-boy. Let's remember who talked who into doing this sh*t in the first place. Talking me into Dogma was one thing, but this...

Ben Affleck:
Hey look, I'm sorry I dragged you away from whatever-gay-serial-killers-who-ride-horses-and-like-to-play-golf-touchy-feely-picture you're supposed to be doing this week.

Matt Damon:
I take it you haven't seen Forces of Nature?

Ben Affleck:
You're like a child. What've I been telling you? You gotta do the safe picture. Then you can do the art picture. But then sometimes you gotta do the payback picture because your friend says you owe him.

Ben Affleck:
And sometimes, you have to go back to the well.

Matt Damon:
And sometimes, you do Reindeer Games.

Ben Affleck:
See, that's just mean.

Randal Graves:
See? I told you that restraining order was a good idea.

Banky:
Well, you're rich, you're in love

Banky:
Well, *you're* in love. And you've both got your own monkey. What more could two guys from New Jersey want?

Jay:
Well, to have all these f***s stop talking sh*t about us on the Internet.

Banky:
What've I been telling you? There's nothing you can do about it. Unless you show up at all their houses and beat the sh*t out of them.

Whillenholly:
Why are you shooting at me? I'm just a Federal Wildlife Marshall.

Chrissy:
Two reasons. One: we're walking, talking, bad girl cliches.

Missy:
And two: because you're a man.

Whillenholly:
Only on the outside.

Holden:
Nothing. The Internet has given everybody in America a voice. For some reason, everybody decides to use that voice to b*tch about movies.

Jay:
Man, who the f*** steals a monkey?

Jay:
Oh, yeah.

Randal Graves:
See? If you were funnier than that, ABC wouldn't have cancelled us.

Chaka's Production Assistant:
Here's your coffee sir.

Chaka:
Did you spit in it?

Chaka's Production Assistant:
I didn't spit in it sir.

Chaka:
Any boogers in it?

Chaka's Production Assistant:
There's no boogers in it sir.

Chaka:
You went to film school didn't you? Must piss you off to see a black man runnin' a big old production like this, huh? Went to film school. Does your daddy know you give a nigga his coffee? Must kill him, doesn't it!

Chaka's Production Assistant:
There's no boogers in it sir.

Chaka:
Then taste it. Taste the booger flavor. I know it's in there!

Chaka:
I film this, I yell cut and then I get the f*** outta here back to my trailer because I got more white girls in there then the first lifeboat of the Titanic and they all want a part in my movie and I got just the part for 'em!

Shannen Doherty:
F***ing Miramax! Cut!

Wes Craven:
Shannen, I usually say cut.

Shannen Doherty:
A monkey? Wes? Jesus, you're not even trying anymore are you?

Wes Craven:
The Market research says that people love monkeys.

Jay:
WE LOVE THIS MONKEY! Do something.

Wes Craven:
See?

Jay:
So all we's gotta do is stop this f***in' movie from getting made!

Holden:
Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars you would be entitled to in the process. What are you, f***ing retarded? I mean, I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know it, but... a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that?

Chaka:
Dance pie f***er! Damn, these white boys can't fight.

James Van Der Beek:
You actually watch that show?

Jay:
Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine. Did you ever get to 3rd base with her?

James Van Der Beek:
Well, actually there was this one time...

Jay:
You know, maybe one night me and Lunch Box are out we're mackin' some chick and sh*t, and she's, like, "Ooh, I want to suck youse guys' d*cks off," and she's, like, "What your names?" And I'm, like, "Jay and Silent Bob." Reco'nize. And she's like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet that f***in' youse guys are a couple of little f***in' jerkoffs." And then she goes and sucks two other guys' d*cks off instead. Well, F*** that.

Jason Biggs:
You're doubling me, oviously. I play Bluntman, aka Silent Bill.

James Van Der Beek:
Bob.

Jason Biggs:
Right. And he's playing Chronic, aka Ray.

James Van Der Beek:
Jay. F***, Biggs, did you even READ the script?

Jason Biggs:
There's a script?

James Van Der Beek:
Listen, Potzer!

Jason Biggs:
There's a script for this movie?

James Van Der Beek:
You wouldn't last A DAY on the Creek. A day.

Jason Biggs:
F*** you and your Dawson's Crap! Go to hell, Pacey! Go to hell!

James Van Der Beek:
At least call me by the right f***ing character.

Jay:
If today is Tuesday and the movie starts filming on Friday we have

Jay:
eight days...

Holden:
three by my count... but close enough