Jiminy Glick in Lalawood

Jiminy Glick:
If it's human waste, save some for me.

Andre Devine:
I'm on my knees like a German teenager.

Andre Devine:
I have give two blowj*bs to English Insurance people, I am not homo-ist, I am man! I am on my knees like German teenager to English people with wrotten teeth in their mouths!

Andre Devine:
You are a proud man, you're great black-ist, you're one of the great, you have beautiful gold things, a crown made from pants, you should be king! Are you king of the negros?

Andre Devine:
No one is looking at your great performance, Why? Because you are in corner sucking on a ice statue of Ving Rhames. You are like a terrifying asian woman who is covered with piss!

Andre Devine:
You are like a terrible mexican woman with a radio in her p*ssy!

Andre Devine:
Natalie, Baby, you're a beautiful women, why do you speak? You look great. People in the room say 'look at the girl - she has wonderful tits, I go upstairs alone and I rub against things.'

Andre Devine:
Quick - we have to make a tea from her own clothing.

Jiminy Glick:
[voiceover while interviewing Rob Lowe] Isn't it amazing, just 6 months ago, when I was talking to Arlene Shayhee, I was so bored. Here I am talking to Brat-packer Rob Lowe...

Rob Lowe:
I... me... me... I... I... me... I...

Jiminy Glick:
[voiceover]... and I'm equally bored. What have I learned, I wonder. Ah yes, celebrities can be dull.

Andre Devine:
Andre has new hole, on his front!

Jiminy Glick:
I'm one of those guys that needs it regular, ya know? Sometimes Dixie's awake for it, most of the time she's not.

Ben DiCarlo:
Ambien and some KY, right?

Jiminy Glick:
HAH! Ambien and KY! You know, for the longest time I was taking the KY orally! It's not necessary!

Andre Devine:
What a crappy movie hey? I've made better sh*t than this, in my own toilet.

Andre Devine:
Reach into my a**hole and grab my wallet.

Jiminy Glick:
My, that's a nice beaver.

Dixie Glick:
Why, thank you.

Jiminy Glick:
[Jiminy points at a stuffed beaver] No.

Dixie Glick:
Oh.

Jiminy Glick:
Although yours is nicely... shaped.

Andre Devine:
You know Ben DiCarlo?

Miranda Coolidge:
We met in Vegas at ShoWest years ago.

Andre Devine:
ShoWest? A strip club? You show your puss?

Jiminy Glick:
Oprah Winfrey, how do you do what you do so consistently?

Whoopi Goldberg:
I stomp on everyone I can.

Jiminy Glick:
And you're despised by so many. But not by me.

Whoopi Goldberg:
I live for that. And remember to spell my name right. O-P-E-R-A.

Jiminy Glick:
And you're Canadian, I hear. What's that about?

Kiefer Sutherland:
Well this is a fantastic country. Uhm. What's that about?

Jiminy Glick:
That was my question dear.

Kiefer Sutherland:
I know. I'm trying to... I've never actually had to...

Jiminy Glick:
Eventually the show will start. Don't you wanna just finally answer it?

Kiefer Sutherland:
Yeah, what's that about? For me it's been a fantastic... it's where I come from, and it's um...

Jiminy Glick:
What?

Kiefer Sutherland:
Canada!

Jiminy Glick:
You're Canadian? I didn't know that.

Kiefer Sutherland:
Yes, it's true.

Jiminy Glick:
[pointing at Toronto's C.N. Tower] That's a phallic-looking thing! Remind you of anybody?

Dixie Glick:
No.