Joey

Joey:
Welcome to Hollywood Minute. I am name.

Gina:
I thought you and Chandler should have moved out a long time ago. It's a very vibrant gay scene.

Joey:
Chandler and I are not a gay couple!

Joey:
They canceled my show! People thought it was disgusting. Jeez, you defecate on one corpse...

Joey:
I did the soap thing, but I can be serious. "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" That's Romeo.

Alex:
Actually, that's Juliet.

Joey:
Huh?

Alex:
Well, Romeo doesn't start a speech "Romeo, Romeo..."

Joey:
I did that on like a million auditions!

Joey:
I'm gay for David Cassidy!

Gina:
That's the good thing about having a kid so young.

Joey:
Yeah. You rarely hear the argument for teen pregnancy.

Joey:
Did you know that the girl next door was married?

Michael:
I can't talk to that girl. Sssshhhe makes my stutter come back.

Gina:
Oh my gosh, you're not going to believe this. The director over there actually thought I was an actress!

Joey:
That's because you've got big fake b*obs and you're crazy.

Gina:
You have very beautiful hair.

Alex:
Oh, well thank you!

Gina:
[handing Alex her card] If you're ever thinking about selling it, you give me a call.

Joey:
Hey! I really like that girl! Don't be trying to buy her hair!

Michael:
I'm 20 years old, you know? I'm too old to be living with my mom. All the kids at school make fun of me. And it's not like they're the cool kids. They're not quarterbacks. They're engineers.

Joey:
[after hearing what Michael has been up to in grad school; laughing] What are you, a rocket scientist?

Michael:
...Yes.

Gina:
[Joey's teaching Michael how to meet women] That should be easy: "How you doin'?" "How you doin'?" "How you doin'?"

Joey:
Hey, it worked on all your friends.

[Repeated line]

Joey:
How you doin'?

Michael:
You know what it's like to have someone who's like you, but just a little bit better?

Joey:
Yeah. Johnny Depp.

Joey:
I am not a sex blob!

Joey:
I just wish I had a regular place where I could go and meet women.

Michael:
You could go to bars.

Joey:
Nah, I'm getting too old for that. Plus I'm not great at telling whether or not they're gay bars before I go in. Oh by the way, if Ramon calls, I am not here.

Bobbie:
I'd like to keep that little piece of chicken in my pocket and snack on him all day.

Joey:
Michael, you have to seize this moment. The love between two nerds is a rare and fragile thing.

Michael:
I want to. I can't go against the rules without a motion being passed.

Joey:
So, I'll make a motion.

Michael:
You're not a member. There's an approval process.

Joey:
Well, I motion you suspend it on account of me being the sole payer of rent for the book club's headquarters.

Michael:
I second the motion. The motion is passed

Joey:
I motion for a presidential exemption to the no-dating rule.

Michael:
I second the motion. The motion is passed.

Joey:
I motion that you and me eat that entire ice cream cake right now.

Michael:
Motion denied.

Joey:
Mr. Chairman, you're out of order!

Bobbie:
Oh, Joey I've got great news.

Joey:
Did I get that commerical?

Bobbie:
No, I bought a horse!

Michael:
Did you know that the laws of physics suggest that the curve ball is actually impossible?

Joey:
Why do you have to ruin stuff like that? Huh? The curve ball is impossible. Don't eat that, it's solid mold. That's not a dog, it's a possum. Stop letting it lick your face. Why?

Joey:
We could walk around here naked!

Michael:
Yeah! But let's NOT.

Joey:
I can't believe it! I've over understudied!

Bobbie:
Ah, Joey, he's just shoving crap up your pooper.

Alex:
Some kid dropped his army man in the hot tub.

Joey:
CAPTAIN DROPKICK!

Joey:
Do you find me threatening?

Michael:
[frightened] Not until this very minute!

Gina:
I'm curious as to what was so important, that it couldn't wait until the end of "Jag".

Michael:
Mom, sit down we have something important to tell you.

Gina:
Oh my God, "Jag" got cancelled!

Michael:
What is the best news I could give you?

Joey:
They fixed the vending machine? Ooo, we got a ping pong table? Oh wait, Kool and the Gang got back together?

Bobbie:
I could slap a diaper on you and nurse ya right now.

Bobbie:
Ooh there's the fiery Latin heartthrob I took a chance on.

Joey:
I'm not Latin, I'm Italian.

Bobbie:
Italian? Oh no! Italians are out this year. It may be time for you to call in your boy band connections.

Joey:
I wasn't in a boy band.

Bobbie:
I can't catch a break!

Joey:
Hey, hey Alex. That guy looks familiar, but I can't place him. Usually when I have that feeling it's someone I slept with, but I don't think it's that

Bobbie:
Well, it's a sexy new nighttime drama set in a mountain resort. It's called Deep Powder. It's Baywatch on skis, and it's the dumbest script I ever read. It's gonna be huge!

Howard:
If I had functioning tear ducts I'd be crying right now.

Joey:
Captain Fabuloso's Cave of Hair!

Bobbie:
And if I knew you were coming I wouldn't have brought Data.

Lauren:
Oh, God, I thought the bear got out.

Bobbie:
And I thought I dropped an earring.

Bobbie:
Oh you're tiny too. Maybe I can hold you up and you can talk to each other.

[Joey is watching a report on a show he turned down]

Nancy:
Well, wherever he is, I'm sure Joey Tribaney is kicking himself.

Joey:
Tribbiani! Joey Tribbiani is kicking himself!

Gina:
[answering the phone] Gina Tribbiani, hairdresser to the stars.

Joey:
Really?

Gina:
It's better than saying, "Hairdresser to mostly Dominicans."

Alex:
Well, which is it? Because at 33, you're still happy being a sexy single woman. At 34, you've got a wedding dress in your trunk just in case.

Alex:
I mean, would you look at all these suckers out celebrating this Hallmark holiday? My husband and I don't need this kind of thing. Though, a card would've been nice. Or a phone call. Or an e-mail, perhaps. But we spoke on Tuesday. He asked me to gather up his receipts. Tax time's coming!

Alex:
When my mother was my age, she had three kids. All I have is a husband who's away all the time. Last week, a squirrel snuck into our apartment and I thought it was Eric coming home to surprise me. I put on lingerie for a squirrel!

Bobbie:
[laughing] Oh, Joey. Laughter really is the best medicine, and that story just cleared up my hepatitis. Look, a bad article from this woman could really hurt your career. They go to press in two days, so until then, just give her anything she wants.

Bobbie:
Did I not tell you? I'm a little off. I was at the gate looking through my purse for my wallet, and I accidentally tasered myself.

Joey:
I'm gonna be on the Tonight Show? Oh my God! This is unbelievable. This is like one of those moments I've dreamed of my whole life. The only thing bigger than this would be like, I don't know, making my Oscar speech.

Bobbie:
[laughs] Oscar? Did you get tasered too?

Joey:
Oh my God. To find a number I thought I'd lost forever, it's like the ending of a great romantic movie.

[unfolds the paper to read it]

Joey:
Oh, her? No.

Bobbie:
I just tasered myself again. I think on some level, I may be doing it on purpose.

Joey:
I was the star of a show! And now I'm the guy who turned down "Nurses." Which is strange, because in real life, I would never turn down a nurse!

Bobbie:
There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you! I'd throw on a meat skirt and wrestle a lion! I'd pull off my own ears and eat them!

Bobbie:
I know how to deal with crazy actors. You just smile and tell them what they wanna hear.

Joey:
So can you help me?

Bobbie:
[smiles a large fake smile] Absolutely!

Joey:
So, tell me a little bit about yourself.

Glen:
Well, I moved out here a few years ago and I started doing this, and I've been doing it ever since.

Joey:
Oh, where are y'a from?

Glen:
Minnesota.

Joey:
Wow, your English is great!

Joey:
[joey is late for the tonight show because he is stuck in a traffic game] Alright, I'm gonna have to run for it. How far away are we?

Michael:
Nine miles.

Joey:
Okay, nine miles in fourty-five minutes. Can I do that?

Michael:
Are you a Kenyan man with a number on your back?

Joey:
I don't know what that means. Alright, I'm gonna give it a shot.

[joey starts running, after a second he returns]

Joey:
Aggrevated an old injury...

Michael:
Football?

Joey:
No, no. Threesome.

Joey:
[On phone] Hey, Bobbie, listen. I got myself into a situation. It's bad.

Bobbie:
Okay, here's the game plan. Flush the drugs, throw the gun in the river, we'll tell everyone it was exhaustion.

Bobbie:
The super agent. Entertainment Weekly's 12th most powerful woman in Hollywood. [looks at Lauren and laughs] 67! [turns back towards Katie's door] Now Katie, I know you don't want to talk to Joey, but if you can just give me a minute, maybe I can help you out here.

Bobbie:
That's right. My client Katie demands that you fire Joey! [Walks over to Joey] If you fire my client Joey, I'll destroy you!

Lauren:
Isn't this a conflict of interest?

Bobbie:
Oh, no! They'll send me to agent jail!

Bobbie:
Oh good, its you. I have great news. I just got you the cover of "Bride" magazine.

Joey:
Why'd you do that?

Bobbie:
Is this not Torri Spelling?

Joey:
No, its Joey.

Bobbie:
Oh good, its you.

Gina:
So, whoever you pick is the real winner?

Joey:
Yes!

Gina:
And I can rub it in Alex's face?

Alex:
Yeah, but you won't get to 'cos it ain't gonna go down like that, biatch!

Gina:
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade.

Michael:
How does my swing look?

Joey:
Like you're good at science.

Joey:
It all started when I got this new agent. This woman is a shark and that means she's a really good agent - not an actual shark.

Gina:
I knew that.

Joey:
Uh, yeah. So did I.

Joey:
Stop taking over my room. I have private stuff in there.

Gina:
Well, if you're worried about your diary, this is what it's like: [sarcastically] " Dear diary, Gina's mean to me!"

Joey:
Thats going straight in the book.

Joey:
I know I don't tell you this often, but it's really nice to have someone here I can share my feelings with, it means a lot to me.

Gina:
You can't tell Sara that you love her, but this vagina-monologue just pours out of you.

Gina:
Everything I do, I do for my son.

Joey:
Oh, [pointing to her implants] so, you got those for Michael?

Gina:
Heimlich? Nice name.

Joey:
I'm sorry. Did I pick a weird name for the robot baby I had with my sister?

Kevin Smith:
Take off your shirts and start making out with each other!

Zach:
[about Joey] Man, when you stop thinking, you stop thinking.

Joey:
How do you say "How y'doin?" in Spanish?

Alex:
Yo tengo herpes.

Michael:
... I know a great line to get out of that.

Joey:
[Joey looks closely at Michael] Last night you became a man. Just a minute ago, you became a Tribbiani.

Joey:
I can see the Ollywoo sign!

Joey's right foot:
Oh, I'm so lonely!

Joey's left foot:
How you doin'?

Joey:
[rehearsing his lines] 'We've got to get rid of this body.' No, it's too stiff. I gotta make it my own. 'This body, we gotta get up and go get it gotten rid of.' There it is, that's how people talk.

Viktor:
Gina, sorry, no tips today. All money go down stripper's panties.

Eric:
I get it. You're gay.

Joey:
No! But if I was, I'd be attracted to myself!

Michael:
I'm going to my room to study. What are you going to do?

Joey:
I'm luring Alex's husband over with a pretend maintenance problem, because he's the Super, but my real plan is to prove to him that I'm sexy.

Michael:
We lead very different lives, you and I.

Joey Tribbiani:
Nope, she's not going anywhere. How are you feeling?

Michael Tribbiani:
Not good Jo. Everything will be fine tomorrow though

Joey Tribbiani:
Oh yeah, how'd you figure?

Michael Tribbiani:
'Cause if she doesn't leave by then, I'm going to kill myself

Joey Tribbiani:
Dont be so dramatic.

Michael Tribbiani:
She said we're going to flush my system, Joey. I dont know what that means

Joey Tribbiani:
Yeah, your grandmother was the same when I was sick. Ive had my system flushed ... makes you ask yourself some big questions. [turns tv on]

Gina Tribbiani:
[turns tv off] don't even think about it. Michael is about to take his nap in here.

Michael Tribbiani:
She makes me take a nap every day at one ... [looks into space] not tomorrow though

Michael Tribbiani:
Well don't do the one with the dialogue 'cause you dont know that one

Joey Tribbiani:
Yeah but I haven't studied the dancing in that cowboy thing at all [does dance move]

Gina Tribbiani:
[laughing] oh, please do that one!

Joey Tribbiani:
I think I have too much stuff stored in my mind

Michael Tribbiani:
That's an interesting theory

Joey Tribbiani:
I dont think I can even do that

Bobbie Morganstern:
Well your looking at the queen of multitasking ... right now as we are talking, i am doing butt clenches and learning Spanish through this headpiece

Joey Tribbiani:
[smiles]

Bobbie Morganstern:
Miamo bobby

Joey Tribbiani:
Ooo Sandiago ... only 28 more days till sea world.

Joey Tribbiani:
You wanna play a game?

Sawyer:
Yeah!

Joey Tribbiani:
Go tell that producer lady she left her oven on.

Joey:
It is natural for humans to eat meat, okay? We eat the cows, the cows eat the grass, we mow the grass, which makes us hungry for more cows.

Alex:
It's already 8 o'clock, are you gonna be able to find anyone to go out with ?

Joey:
Give me a letter!

Alex:
H

Joey:
[talking by cell phone] Hey Helen! It's Joey.... yep... no... OK!

Joey:
She's coming over ! [while putting cell phone down]

Michael:
You know, I think I'm just gonna go up to the girl and start talking.

Gina:
Okay, just... make sure you're nice to her.

Joey:
Yeah, but not too nice.

Gina:
Compliment her.

Joey:
Ignore her.

Gina:
Compliment her, then ignore her.

Joey:
Yeah.

Michael:
Okay...

Gina:
Make sure you ask her name.

Joey:
And then call her a different name.

Gina:
And make eye contact.

Joey:
Yeah, but don't stare at her.

Gina:
You Want to seem interested.

Joey:
But completely bored.

Gina:
Just be yourself.

Joey:
No, no! Pretend to be somebody else.

Carmen Electra:
Oh Joey, this is my friend Elsa.

Elsa:
[Joey waves at her] Drake Ramoray! I'm a big fan. You are huge in Iceland. [Joey frowns. Turns to Carmen] Maybe... [faces Joey] we can share him.

Joey Tribbiani:
OH COME ON! [exits]

Joey:
Thanks. It's just, when I was a kid, I used to dream about being on the Tonight Show. You know, Johnny Carson would come out and introduce me and I'd come out and he'd say, 'How you doin' Joey?' and I'd say, 'Just great, Johnny' and now that day is finally here. I'm so scared, 'cause...

Michael:
Because you're afraid you're gonna say Johnny's name instead of Jay's?

Joey:
It could so happen.

Gina:
You know what, it's crazy, but maybe we can get one of the news helicopters to come down and pick you up.

Joey:
That's great! Okay, we just gotta get their attention. Uh, Ooh! Let's lie on the pavement and use our bodies to spell out 'Joey Tribbiani needs to get to the Tonight Show fast!'

Michael:
[just discovered Gina was 16 when she had him] How did I not figure THAT out! I took calculus when I was eight!

Gina:
I look pretty good for a mother of a 20-year-old.

Joey:
Yeah, you never hear the argument *for* teen pregnancy.

Joey:
Gina, I know he's your baby, but it's time to move on. Change can be good!

Gina:
Oh, it's easy for you to say.

Joey:
No it's not! No! Look... Nobody understands wantin' things to stay the same like I do. I was HAPPY in New York! Okay, and I tried really hard to keep things from changing. But everyone else got married, and had kids, and moved on. They all changed! So I'm givin' change a shot. And it has been *hard*. But... just hoping things stay the same... it doesn't work.

Gina:
This is the best part. Sit here and lean back.

Joey:
Is that the middle of the HOLLYWOOD sign?

Gina:
That's the OLLYWOO sign.

Joey:
I can see the OLLYWOO sign! And into that woman's bathroom. And now she sees me. Hi, neighbor!