Johnny English

Lorna Campbell:
What are you going to do, Johnny? Sit in this grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself, or are you going to get out there and save your country?

Johnny English:
...I'm going to sit in the flat.

Johnny English:
All right, so I was wrong about the Archbishop's bottom.

Pegasus:
Everything in order, English?

Johnny English:
I think you'll find it's rather more than just in order, Sir. You are now entering the most secure place in the whole of England.

Johnny English:
A good agent doesn't need gadgets. The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, sensitive hearing and a whole bunch of bigger brains.

Johnny English:
The only thing that France is adept at hosting is an invasion.

Johnny English:
Look pull yourself together, it's only a bit of poo.

Bough:
Are you all right, sir?

Johnny English:
Yes, I landed on something soft.

Bough:
That was me, sir.

Johnny English:
Ah. Good.

Lorna Campbell:
I can't hear anything.

Johnny English:
I'm into ultrasonic.

Johnny English:
Arrest that man! And lock him away!

Johnny English:
Ah, the Heckler and Koch G-36. Quite deadly in the right hands.

Lorna Campbell:
Aaaaaah! Johnny!

Johnny English:
Oh, f...

Pegasus:
It's an unmitigated disaster, English!

Johnny English:
I couldn't agree more, sir.

Pegasus:
Well, we need to get those jewels back, English, and fast! [English is momentarily distracted by the sight of Pegasus's secretary (who he accidentally tranquilized earlier) scooting past the doors outside in a wheelchair, glaring at him] Now tell me about this assailant. Because when they searched the room later, there was no sign of him.

Johnny English:
[Uncomfortable; the 'assailant' was made up by him to account for him accidentally knocking a man out] Well, the man was clearly a professional. He must have escaped while the Queen was being sedated.

Pegasus:
But he's the only lead we've got, English! We have to find him. [A man with a laptop walks into the room] Oh, come in. This is-this is Roger from Data Support. He'll produce a likeness based on your description. So tell us, what did this man look like?

Johnny English:
Well, he was... big.

Roger:
Hair colour?

Johnny English:
[looks around the room for ideas and spots a fruitbowl] Umm... orange.

Pegasus:
[skeptical] Orange?

Johnny English:
Mmh. And curly. Well, frizzy, actually. Frizzy sort of thing.

Roger [writing down into his laptop] Frizzy.

Johnny English:
An eye patch, broken nose, very few teeth. Two, I would say at the most. And a scar on his cheek... in the shape... of a banana.

Roger:
Which cheek?

Johnny English:
Both cheeks. They sort of met in the middle.

Pegasus:
Are you sure about this, English?

[Pegasus shows him the likeness, accompanied with a scare chord:
it resembles a cross between a toothless pirate and a clown]

Johnny English:
[surprised by made-up appearance] AH! Oh, that's him, sir. An uncanny resemblance. Why, it's just as if he's in the room with us.

Johnny English:
[picks up a snazzy-looking golden ballpoint pen on the secretary's desk] Oh, reminds me of the old service-issue ballpoint. I remember every agent would carry a pen that looked just like this. Completely innocent to the untrained eye, but, click it twice-- [clicks the pen twice, accidentally firing a mini-dart, which hits the secretary in the buttocks. She collapses]

[Johnny and Bough are in a dark tunnel]

Johnny English:
It may be pitch black, but we can still see.

Bough:
How?

Johnny English:
The Bedouin monks of the Al Magreb Mountains developed a system of sonic chanting.

Bough:
I see, sir. And?

Johnny English:
The sound of their chanting would bounce back off any obstacles, and using their highly tuned ears they could paint a mental picture of the path ahead.

Bough:
Brilliant.

Johnny English:
However, you must always sing in E-flat. [singing] E-E-E-E flat, E-E-E flat, E-flaaaaaaat! Thaaaaank you for the music, the songs I'm singing--

Bough:
Is it working, sir?

Johnny English:
Extremely well, thank you. [singing] Thanks for all the joy that-- [Johnny hits the tunnel wall] Ow!

Lorna Campbell:
[watching Sauvage, who Johnny thinks is a waiter, standing just behind him] You obviously haven't met our host, Monsieur Sauvage.

Johnny English:
No, thank God! You know, I think I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than exchange pleasantries with that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion.

[he chuckles, then notices Sauvage standing behind him]

Johnny English:
Sorry, can I help?

Pascal Sauvage:
Pascal Sauvage, jumped-up Frenchman.

Lorna Campbell:
Lorna Campbell. I've been so looking forward to meeting you.

Pascal Sauvage:
Enchanté.

[Johnny stammers in embarrassment]

Pascal Sauvage:
But of course, you're Johnny English. I've heard all about you.

[English has infiltrated a hospital, mistakingly believing it to be Sauvage's HQ; finds an old man in a bed]

Johnny English:
My God, what have they done to you?

Elderly Man:
They've taken some of my blood.

Johnny English:
Bastards.

[after landing on the wrong building, which happens to be a hospital, and taking the medical staff hostage]

Johnny English:
Now, perhaps you could direct me to your evil paymaster.

Doctor:
What are you talking about?

Johnny English:
You know exactly what I'm talking about. Where is the office of Pascal Sauvage?

[Everyone looks out of the window; Johnny turns to see a giant "SAUVAGE" sign on the next building with Bough staring at him from the window]

Bough:
[over com-link] Are you coming over here in a minute, sir?

Archbishop:
[preparing to coronate Sauvage] I crown you--

[Johnny swings on the chandelier and snatches the crown]

Johnny English:
[fails to grab the banner] Dammit! [swings back and forth on the chandelier]

Pascal Sauvage:
[hands the orb and scepter back to the Archbishop and then springs up from the throne] Give it back!

Johnny English:
No!

Pascal Sauvage:
That is my crown!

Johnny English:
Never!

Pascal Sauvage:
GIVE IT BACK!!!

Johnny English:
Never in a million years, Sauvage!

[the Archbishop re-prepares to coronate Sauvage]

Archbishop:
I crown you...

[Johnny drops from the chandelier and knocks Sauvage out of the throne, causing the Archbishop to place the crown on his head instead]

Archbishop:
...King.

[English has infiltrated a hospital, mistakenly believing it to be Sauvage's HQ; finds an old man in a bed]

Johnny English:
My God, what have they done to you?

Elderly Man:
They've taken some of my blood.

Johnny English:
Bastards.

Elderly Man:
It's only for tests

Johnny English:
Of course it is, come on my friend, lets get you out of here before they take anything else

Johnny English:
The word 'mistake' sir is not one that appears in my dictionary.

Johnny English:
[Addressing the Archbishop of Canterbury, who he believes to be an impostor] Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words, "Jesus is coming – look busy"?

Johnny English:
You might have taken me, but you'll never take England. Not as long as I have breath in my body or a bullet in my gun. [English pulls the trigger, but poo splurts out instead of a bullet]

Johnny English:
I've been dropped into the Kalahari desert, carrying nothing but a toothbrush and a packet of Sherbet Lemons, and I still found my way to Bulawayo before Ramadan.

Johnny English:
Good morning, gentlemen! MI7 at your service.

Johnny English:
[speaking to Bough] Have you heard of the chanting of the Bedouin monks of the Almaghreb mountains?

Johnny English:
[speaking to Lorna] Are you familiar with the shaman throat warblers of the Guatemalan Delta?

Pascal Sauvage:
Clearly, the aptly-named English is a fool.

Pascal Sauvage:
[furious because his coronation has been interrupted by English, pulls a gun on crowd] Shut up! All this stupid little country has to do is stand in line and do what it's told for one miserable day! But can it do that? My fragrant French Ass it can!