Just Friends

Samantha James:
[in a crowded bar, Chris is talking with Jamie, while Samantha is waiting for him at the door] Chris! Chris Chris Chris Chris Chris Chris...

Chris:
I'm busy!

Samantha James:
I'm busy too, stupid dick!

Mike:
[Speaking to Chris about Samantha] It's OK. She's got her toothpaste.

Samantha James:
[eating the toothpaste] Blueberry.

Samantha James:
It's all right, I like other girls. Darla!

Mike:
[Samantha has found out that Chris is seeing someone else] The jig is up! Run!

Samantha James:
You son of a b*tch!

Chris:
Samantha! You're here! Sh*t!

Samantha James:
There she is. There's the little slut you've been banging behind my back!

Old Woman:
Me?

Samantha James:
Not you, wrinkles. [Points at Jamie] Her!

Jamie Palamino:
Who are you?

Samantha James:
I'm Samantha James, b*tch! [Shoves Jamie]

Jamie Palamino:
Don't shove me! [Shoves Samantha back]

Samantha James:
You're a whore! Santa's little whore! Santa's little whore!

Jamie Palamino:
Get off!

Mike:
[In an excited, high pitched voice] Cat fight!

Chris' Mom:
Dusty, what kind of car is this?

Dusty:
Carol, this little Japanese princess here is called the Prius.

Chris' Mom:
I think it's so neat that you kids care about the environment.

Chris:
I love the environment.

Chris' Mom:
But honey, don't you drive a Range Rover? Aren't those bad?

Chris:
[pause] Well, I had a really nice time tonight, and I hope we can do it again soon. Hey, Dusty, thanks for comin'.

Dusty:
Oh, listen, man, it was my pleasure, really. Thank you all for having me. It was so nice. [Chris takes out his retainer] And hey, before I forget, make sure to that you rinse that thing at least twice a day, okay? Your mouth is a disgusting open cesspool with germs and bacteria. Now put that back!

Samantha James:
[Chris is wrestling Samantha to make her stop using her taser gun on him] Oooohhh yes! Go-Time!

Chris:
Hey! Hey! It's not Go-Time! This isn't how it works Samantha! You can't force or... or torture someone into liking you!

Samantha James:
[Rolls her eyes] Oooh, the big speech!

Chris:
No! You just have to put yourself out there and hope that they like you back! This isn't a game! This is my LIFE!

Samantha James:
Oh yeah! This is MY life! Okay? I'm sorry I'm not the most boring person ever! Okay? I'm sorry I'm not poor! I'm sorry I... [Chris starts walking out]... I'm sorry I don't have a fat ass! I'm sorry I'm not... Hey! Where you going?

Chris:
I can't hear you Samantha. I can't hear you. OH! Lightbulb!

Mike:
Raise your hand if your brother's a homo!

Jamie Palamino:
Mistletoe!

Samantha James:
Whoopsie! I'm naked.

Mike:
You'll always be fat to me!

Jamie Palamino:
Will you try it on for me? Please? I think it will fit...

Chris:
[putting on Jamie's gift]... It's a little snug.

Jamie Palamino:
Aww. "Shakes come and go but friends are furrr-ever." That's adorable! Let's go show my mom.

Jamie Palamino:
I think I just peed a little!

Samantha James:
Do you really have my poster on your wall?

Mike:
Yeah.

Samantha James:
Do you ever...

Mike:
All the time!

Samantha James:
How many times a day?

Mike:
Eight.

Samantha James:
*Eight?* Ooh that's hot!

Mike:
You're hot.

Samantha James:
I know! I know.

Chris:
Look, I know you hate me, but I need to speak with Jamie... Where is she?

Mr. Palamino:
She's gone off with Mr. Lee.

Clark:
The drycleaner?

Mr. Palamino:
No, Dusty, you jackass!

Jamie Palamino:
Why do you keep messing with my head?

Chris:
I messed with your head for three days. You've been *torturing* me for twenty years!

Jamie Palamino:
Is this all because I didn't screw you in high school? Get over yourself!

Chris:
After being the biggest tease for so long, trust me, I am so over myself.

Jamie Palamino:
Oh, so I'm the tease? I practically throw myself at you the other night and you did nothing!

Chris:
And now you know how it feels.

Chris' Mom:
[Starts dialing while Chris is on the phone] Joyce? Joyce?

Chris:
Mom, I'm on the phone.

Chris' Mom:
Chris? What are you doing over at Joyce's?

Chris:
No Mom, I'm in the living room ten feet away from you, and I'm on the phone.

Chris' Mom:
Oh. Well, while I have you on the phone, dear, what would you like for dinner? We have a choice between chicken chow mein or potroast.

Chris:
I can't compete with this guy!

Clark:
You can't compete? Are you kidding? You're Chris Brander. You're Hollywood, you date models! He's Jersey, he skis in his jeans. It's Dinkleman. It's Dusty Dinkleman.

Chris:
Dinkleman?

Clark:
Dinkleman.

Chris:
Dinkleman?

Clark:
*Dinkleman.*

Chris:
Dinkleman.

Clark:
Dinkleman's going down.

Chris:
Dinkleman is going *way* down.

Samantha James:
But I'm not ready for a gig.

Chris:
Of course you are.

Samantha James:
No... no. No! This is a bad idea Chris!

Chris:
God I am so stupid!

Samantha James:
No you aren't baby.

Chris:
Here I am trying to make you into an artist when you're just a pop bubblegum sensation. But that's okay. Paris, here we come.

Samantha James:
But I am an artist... I am an artist... Hey! I am an artist!

Chris:
Good. You ready to do this?

Samantha James:
I was born ready b*tch.

Clark:
We're married!

Chris:
Married?

Samantha James:
MARRIED!

Darla:
We have a son, his name is TJ!

Samantha James:
TJ!

Samantha James:
[hiding under huge earmuffs ,saying hi... hi... hi... hi... ] Chris, let's get it to go people are staring at me. [Not one person in the restaurant is looking at her]

Samantha James:
Wait a minute, am I being Punk'D? Oh my god! Ashton, you really got me! Ha Ha! Ashton! Ashton?

Samantha James:
You and I are gonna be the greatest musical manager team since Jessica Simpson and her father only you and I get to "mreow" and they can't, 'cause it's illegal. I looked it up.

Rhonda:
Here we go! One grilled cheese with ranch on the side. And one sugar mountain supreme for the chubby bunny! [Rhonda makes noises imitating a bunny]

Chris:
Excuse me. Umm, this isn't gonna work for me.

Rhonda:
But this is what you always order.

Chris:
Yeah! Ten years ago when I was a whale!

Jamie Palamino:
The pancakes are fine. He's just kidding.

Chris:
[to Jaime] What?

Jamie Palamino:
[Rhonda walks away from the table] Be more rude!

Chris:
She's rude! She's rude! I haven't had sweets for ten years, ok? You know what this would do to my stomach?

Jamie Palamino:
Relax little girl. I'll have the pancakes, and you can have my sandwich, ok?

Chris:
I'll just enjoy this glass of water. [Chris takes a small sip of water and swallows audibly] I'm stuffed!

Samantha James:
Let's go Chris, there's pee on the floor. [Samantha looks at Jamie and hisses at her]

Mr. Palamino:
How did you lose all that weight? Like that retard from Subway?

Mike:
Yeah I slapped the ham to it about an hour ago.

Chris' Mom:
What ham did you slap, honey? Not the one I just bought.

Samantha James:
I love it that you're taking me home to meet your mom. Was this one of your clever little plans?

Chris:
Yes. I planned you setting the plane on fire.

Clark:
[Chris changes his mind about leaving New Jersey and grabs the wheel and runs the car into midair and back onto the highway] This is a PONTIAC GRAND PRIX!

Clark:
[Chris and Clark are discussing how Chris didn't have sex with Jamie the night before] Are you guys on the same menstrual cycle yet, or what?

Samantha James:
[singing on her guitar] Forgiveness, is more than saying sorry. To forgive is divine. So let's have a glass of wine. And have make-up sex until the end of time, time, time, time, timmmmmmeee! Time.

Samantha James:
God, I wanna lick your skin off!

Chris:
I'd prefer you didn't.

Chris:
'Simply Dusty'... is there no other kind?

Chris:
No, you have fun being the girl who peaked in high school.

Samantha James:
Get off me, God Boy!

Samantha James:
[on voicemail] Hey Chris, it's Samantha. I talked to my sponsor and I owe you an apology. [phone beeps] It's Samantha. Call me! [phone beeps] It's Samantha!

Chris' Mom:
[phone beeps] Hello Joyce? Joyce?

Chris:
It's like the Michael Bolton starter kit.

Chris:
So, how's the love life?

Jamie Palamino:
Lame. Marty and I broke up a year ago.

Chris:
Another jerk, huh?

Jamie Palamino:
"Another jerk, huh?"

Chris:
I'm just saying... you dated a lot of jerks in high school.

Jamie Palamino:
So what about you? You in love with anyone besides yourself?

Chris:
[Jamie slaps him] You slap like a cheerleader... [Jamie then punches him in the face]

Bouncer:
[throws a drunk Chris out of the bar] And stay out! [to himself] Always wanted to say that.

Chris:
[writing in her yearbook] Dear Jamie, When we're together, I feel like we're not in high school, but in our own little Chris and Jamie world. Whether we're watching 'Party of Five' or practicing our cheers, I feel like I can just be myself. Jamie, we've been friends for a really long time, but I want to be more than that. Hoping to be your boyfriend... Sincerely, Chris Brander. BFF!

Chris:
What about Sheila? You making any headway?

Ray:
We'll see. I'm taking her to lunch today.

Chris:
Oh, whoa, whoa whoa. Don't - don't do that. Okay? Don't do lunch.

Ray:
Why?

Chris:
That's like the express lane to the friend zone.

Ray:
What the hell's the friend zone?

Chris:
See when a girl decides that you're her friend, you're no longer a dating option. You become this complete non-sexual entity in her eyes, like her brother, or a lamp.

Ray:
I don't want to be a lamp.

Chris:
Yea well then don't be her friend, okay? Take that guy for example... [points to a clumsy guy and a gorgeous girl skating together]

Ray:
You mean that couple?

Chris:
No, I mean the guy that *wishes* they were a couple.

Ray:
What is your point?

Chris:
My point is - Call Sheila, Ray. Call her right now. Move your day date to tonight. Play the entire thing aloof and no matter what you do, kiss her at the end. 'Cause friends don't kiss.

Ray:
Where did you come up with this theory?

[referring to the 'Friend Zone' theory]

Chris:
Some chick f'ed me up in high school bad.

Clark:
How'd the big date go?

Chris:
It was terrible. I went in for a kiss, but she wants a hug, okay? Then I get caught in a sort of kiss-hug limbo type thing. I don't know what that is, then I ended up *shaking* her entire body!

Clark:
So you gave her a body shake?

Chris:
Oh, God! I should've just kissed her! What am I doing?

Clark:
It looks like you picked up right where you left off. You're back in the friend zone.

[repeated line]

Clark:
Chris Brander, ladies and gentleman!

Jamie Palamino:
We need to talk about what you wrote. Is that really how you feel?

Chris:
I don't know. Maybe. Why?

Jamie Palamino:
Because that's the nicest thing anyone's ever written me.

Chris:
It was?

Jamie Palamino:
Yes. I love you Chris - [goes to kiss him. Chris goes for her lips and she moves to his cheek] - like a brother!

Chris:
Hmm?

Jamie Palamino:
We're friends right?

Chris:
For sure!

Chris:
[thinking] This is it. You're finally going to have sex with Jamie Palamino. Oh God, look at that face. Look at that body. Why are you smiling like a fricken idiot? Go on. Make a move. MAKE A MOVE! [takes a deep breath]

Jamie Palamino:
What's on your mind?

Chris:
[awkwardly] Bush. President Bush. The first family, really.

Jamie Palamino:
[Jamie sighs and rolls over]

Chris:
[thinking] Dude! You're killing me! This is the girl of your dreams! Ravish her! What if she doesn't want to be ravished? What if she wants to stay friends? Friends don't ravish each other. Friends watch New Years Rockin' Eve. I wonder who's hosting this year.

Jamie Palamino:
Chris, can you put your feet on mine? They're freezing.

Chris:
Yeah. [thinking while cuddling up behind Jamie] Hell yeah. Her feet aren't even cold. This is it. Don't even think about how weird tomorrow's going to be.

Jamie Palamino:
Chris?

Chris:
[thinking as he slowly rolls over off of her] Oh God. Oh, God. What are you doing? Where are you going?

Jamie Palamino:
Is everything alright?

Chris:
Oh, everything's fine. Yeah. You okay? Uh, you need another blanket or anything?

Jamie Palamino:
No, I'm fine.

Chris:
Ah. [thinking] You're not going to make a move are you? [to Jamie] Good night, Jamie.

Jamie Palamino:
Good night, Chris.

Chris:
[thinking] You don't deserve a penis!

Chris' Mom:
You don't need to show off to impress Jamie. You should just be yourself. [starts singing] Be yourself! Be yourself. Be yourself. [Chris starts to runs off] Now come on, Mike and I are making snow angels!

Chris:
I don't want to be myself.

Mike:
Samantha James, it is an honor. I have your poster on my wall, but you are so much hotter in person.

Samantha James:
[coyly] I know!

Chris:
Look Jamie. I said a lot of crappy things the other night and I'm sorry about that. The truth is, I'm scared to be your friend, because I'm always going to want more. But then I got to thinking that I would rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all.

Chris:
[Jamie opens her door] You know that's a lie too.

Jamie Palamino:
[Comes outside and closes her door] Why are you back here?

Chris:
Because I want to take you on a date. And I don't care if it's in the day, or at night, or whenever, as long as it's a real date. And I wanna tell you how beautiful I think you are. Inside and out. And I wanna have babies with you, and I wanna marry you, and I love you Jamie. I always have.

Chris:
[Chris leans in and kisses her. Jamie accepts this for a second and pulls back] Sorry. Twenty years all at once, just blah! [Jamie laughs. Chris leans in and kisses her again]

Chris:
Mom! I need my skates to show off my talents!

Jamie Palamino:
So, tell me about your job!

Chris:
Oh my God, when you get past all the glamour, it's just crazy. I mean, you got Pink calling you, Good Charlotte, then it's Jay-Z's birthday party, and I am totally name dropping right now and I'd really like to stop. Mick Jagger. How about you?

Dusty:
I mean, listen, I know it might sound a little corny, maybe even a little femme, but I find something so resplendent in the simplicity of Nicholas Sparks' writing, you know what I mean? [Looks at Chris's completely feminine Christmas sweater] Nice outfit, by the way. Rock and roll.

Mike:
Dude I think she left you hanging.

Chris:
It's probably just an important businees call. Get off the phone.

Mike:
What, the bar ran out of curly fries?

Chris:
Get off the phone!

[losing his temper]

Mike:
Dude are you gonna boink Jamie or what?

Chris:
Yes! Are you happy now?

Mike:
Alright.

Mike:
Dude the Notebook is so gay.

Chris:
GET OFF THE PHONE!

Mike:
Homo, homo...

[Mike makes noises down the phone with his tongue]

Mike:
[Chris kicks down the bathroom door]

Chris:
So that's why she went with Dusty. She wants a sensitive guy... more like the old me. Well, if she wants Mr. Rogers, then I'm going to show her the biggest p*ssy she's ever seen.

Mike Brander:
You’ll always be fat to me, Chris!