Kaput and Zösky: The Ultimate Obliterators

Kaput:
No more Mr. Nice Guys!

Z?sky:
[shouts] We are the new masters of the planet!

Kaput:
And anyone who resists us will be crisperized on the spot!

[the crowds cheer]

Kaput:
[the two just escaped from a planet of disgruntled donkeys] So were they dumb, or what?

Z?sky:
Well, Kaput, there are two different kinds of dumb people; there are those who are dumb and know it, and then there are those who are dumb and don't know it.

Kaput:
But we're not dumb, are we?

Z?sky:
Oh, you and me? No, we're not dumb!

Kaput:
Oh, yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

[he waits for a while and then asks]

Kaput:
But you still haven't what color what's-his-name's white horse was.

Z?sky:
[is hanging onto a resident of Getaway who is clinging on to an escaping ship] Gah, I'm through being nice! If you don't let go of that ladder right now, I'm warning you, I'm going to crisperize you!

Native:
But if I let go of the ladder, we're both gonna fall! On the other hand, if you crisperize me, we're still gonna fall! So I think I'll hang on right here and wait until you lose your grip and fall by yourself.

Z?sky:
If you ask me, Kput, good manners are so highly overrated.

Kaput:
Tell me about it. [burps] Sorry, I have trouble digesting vegetables.

Vote Register:
What's your party?

Z?sky:
Oh, well then, the uh - the Federation of uh, no wait, the uh, the Federation of Absolutely Ruthless Tyrants!

Vote Register:
F A R T, Kaput and Z?sky of the FART. Do you have a campaign manager?

Z?sky:
Uh, no.

Kaput:
Those long armed maggots! They actually got me into a bathtub...and it wasn't even my yearly bath day!

Z?sky:
[queasy] Kaput, I've been meaning to talk to you about that...do you suppose you could have *two* bath days this year? One's just not doing it!

Kaput:
[reading a newspaper] Hey hey hey, look at this! Ron O' Bandaigley won the tournament of the Centauri sector!

Z?sky:
Really, Kaput, that's not news, that's just sports! Let me see that. [he takes the paper and reads it] Well, I *never*! Did you know that fourteen percent of people *don't* wash their hands after they go to the bathroom?

Kaput:
And I suppose that's more important than Ron O' Bandaigley winning the tournament of the Centauri sector?

Z?sky:
Do you know what your problem is, Kaput? You lack good judgement and taste!

Kaput:
Oh, yeah? Well, you know what your problem is? [he snatches the paper] YOU DON'T HAVE A NEWSPAPER!

Kaput:
I can't wait to see the looks on our future slaves' faces!

Z?sky:
I think you may be disappointed. They don't have faces. As a matter of fact, it looks like they only have arms!

Z?sky:
We can't be changing our minds like we change our underwear!

Kaput:
You're right. Once a month *is* a bit often to change our minds!

Z?sky:
[a snake appears behind him] The mosquitoes in this planet are pretty vicious, don't you think? YEEEARGH![the snake bites him and he goes flying in the air, then lands on Kaput]

Kaput:
It's not just the mosquitoes that are vicious around here, what's the matter with you?

Z?sky:
He tried to eat me!

Z?sky:
[approaching Videostar] The inhabitants of this station are wild about the movies!

Kaput:
We-ell, what say we go serve 'em up a little technicolor slaughter?

Kaput:
[to a local citizen, who uses a "universal" remote on him] Hands up, or I'll kick your a-!

Egg Layer:
[in unison] Long live our new rulers!

Z?sky:
Please take us to your leader. This is a life-and death situation!

Kaput:
Yeah, life for us death for him! Ha ha ha!

Z?sky:
[the two have escaped their enraged clones] I never thought I'd say this, but it feels good to get away from myself! Frankly, I thought some of you were putting on a little weight!

Kaput:
Oh, look who thinks he's Mr. Perfect! With those ears, I don't think so!

Red Alien:
[as he is being cloned, the voices of his clones are overlapping] My only wish is to serve you.

Z?sky:
Nice going. You've just destroyed the only inhabitant on this planet! Now who are going to rule over? Ourselves? The rocks? The dirt?

Kaput:
What are you complaining about? I got him on the first shot, didn't I?

Z?sky:
[Kaput argues that they have enough slaves] Oh, please! There's barely enough to fill a neighborhood! Z?sky the Great does not rule over suburbs!

Z?sky:
Oh, there's no-one left for us to oppress! Now what do we do?

Kaput:
Look, we didn't lose everything! We- there's enough here for us to start a shell collection!

Z?sky:
A shell collection? Kaput, we hardly have enough room for your bottlecap collection, your wig collection, your three-leaf clover collection, your dandruff collection, and all those nail clippings you keep!

[repeated line]

Robinson Hood:
Rosinant?!

Kaput:
[they have fallen into an ocean] Better to rule over sardines than snails!

Z?sky:
Yeah, right, if you don't need anything done in a hurry!

Kaput:
[after hearing worker complaints] They speak this strange language! Good thing we have an interpreter.

Office Lady:
Firing people makes the bruzus roll in!

Office Lady:
[to Kaput, who tried to shoot someone] Wait! On our planet, we don't crisperize people; we fire them! It amounts to the same thing and you'll never hear from them again!

Z?sky:
I rather like that local custom! YOU'RE ALL FIRED!

Z?sky:
[the phone rings] Hello?

[jabbering on the other line]

Z?sky:
No, red. That's right, red.

[more jabbering on another phone]

Z?sky:
Yes, well that's the way it goes.

[even more jabbering]

Z?sky:
I'M THE PRESIDENT; I'LL DO WHATEVER I PLEASE!

[he hangs up]

Kaput:
What did they want?

Z?sky:
I don't know. I couldn't understand a word they were saying.

Kaput:
Then why did you answer?

Z?sky:
Mmm, I like saying whatever springs to mind. That's the true mark of a leader, you know!