Kate & Allie

Allie Lowell:
I can't alter my feelings to suit your lifestyle.

Bob Barsky:
Why not? You want me to alter my lifestyle to suit your feelings.

Allie Lowell:
Only if they're your feelings too.

Jennie Lowell:
[Allie and Jennie are concluding a talk about sex] What you're saying is that I should wait.

Allie Lowell:
Definitely, yes.

Jennie Lowell:
But that the choice is mine.

Allie Lowell:
Unfortunately, yes.

Allie Lowell:
[after joke has been successfully pulled] And people say I'm not the fun one.

Kate McArdle:
Let me tell you something about your father, Emma. He may not always be there for you like some fathers are. But when he is, it's parades and skyrockets. Cherish every moment because he's one of a kind and he loves so much.

Allie Lowell:
[to Kate] Taste this, see if it has too much garlic?

Jennie Lowell:
It's not your recipe.

Allie Lowell:
Then it's wrong.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
[Due to Allie being on strike, Kate and the kids are deciding who does what chores] Chip, you're going to be in charge of taking out the garbage, doing the dishes and vacuuming.

Charles 'Chip' Lowell:
Why do I have to vacuum?

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
Because you're the closest one to the floor.

Kate McArdle:
[Trying to cheer Allie up] Remember Comparitive Anatomy? It nearly killed you, but you aced it!

Jennie Lowell:
She got a C plus.

Kate McArdle:
Good enough.

Allie Lowell:
College may be over, but tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.

Emma McArdle:
What are you gonna do?

Kate McArdle:
She's gonna find a new fortune cookie to live by.

Kate McArdle:
I saw Goodbye Columbus 12 times right before I flunked physics.

Emma McArdle:
You flunked physics?

Charles 'Chip' Lowell:
How come?

Kate McArdle:
Cause I saw Goodbye Columbus 12 times.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
[It's 10 PM and Allie and Charles are still out on the town] Allie's supposed to be studying Comparative Anatomy.

Ted Bartolo:
Well, maybe she is.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
You got your test results back today. How'd Anatomy go?

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
Went.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
Meaning?

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
Meaning: I flunked. Okay? You got your wish. Object / lesson learned. Let's not flog a dead horse.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
I know which end of the horse I'd like to flog. Speaking of which when will Charles be arriving?

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
Charles told you he was getting back with Claire before he told me and you didn't tell me?

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
I didn't want him to dump you, I wanted you to dump him.

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
So in order to spare me my dignity you manipulated me like a child?

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
Yeah.

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
I have only one word to say to you.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
What?

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
Thanks.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
You upset about Charles?

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
Nah, it's over.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
Hey, it's not over 'til the fat lady sings.

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
She's singing at the wedding.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
[Due to construction being done, a vase belonging to Allie's broke and she's writing down how much she thinks its worth - $1,000] That vase is not worth $1,000. I know, I gave it to you for your anniversary.

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
How much was it?

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
$15

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
Fifteen dollars is all you thought of my anniversary?

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
It's all I thought of your marriage.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
[on the phone with Allie while at her dentist office] Talk to me, I'm lonely and scared.

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
Where's your dentist?

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
He left, that's why I'm lonely.

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
Isn't he coming back?

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
That's why I'm scared.

Allie Lowell:
Bob wants me to go to Boston with him for the weekend.

Jennie Lowell:
Get outta here!

Allie Lowell:
No really.

Jennie Lowell:
And you didn't pass out or anything?

Allie Lowell:
For your information, I am considering going.

Jennie Lowell:
Get outta here!

Allie Lowell:
How do I look?

Charles 'Chip' Lowell:
Too good.

Emma McArdle:
What does that mean?

Charles 'Chip' Lowell:
It means he'll probably want to take her out again and we'll be stuck eating cereal all the time.

Charles 'Chip' Lowell:
What's white slavery?

Allie Lowell:
Another word for marriage.

Jennie Lowell:
Chip, what are you doing?

Charles 'Chip' Lowell:
I can't tell you.

Jennie Lowell:
Yes you can and I think you better.

Jennie Lowell:
Do you realize the only person in this house that has a date this weekend is Chip?

Emma McArdle:
That is so depressing.

Kate McArdle:
Oh innocence, thy name is Allie.

Kate McArdle:
Do you have a trick up your sleeve?

Allie Lowell:
Oh please, tricks are for kids.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
Is it okay if I invite Tom for dinner? He's terrific.

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
Sure, invite his wife, too.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
They're divorced.

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
Well he can't be that terrific.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
Why not? We're divorced. We're terrific.

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
Yeah, I keep forgetting that.

Jennie Lowell:
[after waking up Emma] Jason wants us to go to bed together.

Emma McArdle:
So get in.

Jennie Lowell:
No... I mean me and him.

Kate McArdle:
You know what scares me most about this whole Jennie and Jason thing is that sooner or later you and me are going to have the same discussion.

Emma McArdle:
Couldn't it be later?

Kate McArdle:
Oh, i'm so glad you said that.

Kate McArdle:
Does this mean your...

Allie Lowell:
Out of a job? Yeah, and you?

Kate McArdle:
Dido.

Emma McArdle:
Oh no, this is terrible.

Jennie Lowell:
Yeah. This could be our last meal and... look who's cooking it. [Kate is cooking]

Allie Lowell:
Am I too cheerful?

Emma McArdle:
Allie you haven't stopped smiling since you got your new job.

Kate McArdle:
If you were any cheerier, little forest creatures would be romping at your feet. I feel like your snow white and were the seven dwarfs.

Allie Lowell:
I know who's Grumpy!

Allie Lowell:
You're gonna use 'the phrase' aren't you?

Kate McArdle:
What phrase?

Allie Lowell:
Saddest phrase in the human language, "I love you as a friend".

Kate McArdle:
How do I look?

Emma McArdle:
Like a pina colada.

Kate McArdle:
Do you believe she said she picked out these outfits because she thought that we could wear them again?

Allie Lowell:
I could wear this again... if hell freezes over and I'm invited to the skating party.

Louis:
Kate and I are talking about love.

Allie Lowell:
Ah you mean how Kate loves to interfer in other people's buisness?

Louis:
No, more like on The Love Boat.

Max McArdle:
I'll just be a minute, why don't you go wait in the limo.

Jennie Lowell:
A limo?

Emma McArdle:
I can't stand it! [Jennie and Emma run outside to see the limo]

Charles 'Chip' Lowell:
Wait for me, I can't stand it either!

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
How do I look?

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
Like a barbie doll on steroids.

Jennie Lowell:
Would you want a guy to go out with you just because you're pretty?

Emma McArdle:
You think i'm pretty?

Jennie Lowell:
Sure.

Emma McArdle:
Thank you.

Jennie Lowell:
You didn't answer my question.

Emma McArdle:
I'm a teenager, I'm allowed to be shallow.

Allie Lowell:
[walks in the house upset] Don't ask, just don't ask!

Kate McArdle:
What's the matter with her?

Emma McArdle:
I don't know, I was told not to ask.

Kate McArdle:
I went to the bank on my lunch hour...

Allie Lowell:
You went to the bank?

Kate McArdle:
Yeah.

Allie Lowell:
On your lunch hour?

Kate McArdle:
Yeah.

Allie Lowell:
You win.

Allie Lowell:
I went to that new little wholesale dress shop down the street...

Kate McArdle:
Oh I know that place, I was thinking of...

Allie Lowell:
I hate it.

Kate McArdle:
...Of burning it down!

Eddie Gordon:
I was almost divorced, twice.

Allie Lowell:
What's almost divorced?

Eddie Gordon:
If I had gotten married, I would've gotten divorced.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
Carter seemed like such a nice girl.

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
Like a pretty little toadstool.

Jennie Lowell:
Mom, I acted like such a jerk.

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
It's genetic... on your father's side of the family.

Jennie Lowell:
What would I tell my mother?

Emma McArdle:
The truth?

Jennie Lowell:
Are you kidding? She'd choke on her pearls.

Emma McArdle:
I'm the only one who doesn't have a job, I feel like a slug.

Allie Lowell:
You get used to it.

Jennie Lowell:
I don't know what I should do.

Emma McArdle:
How about throwing up on him?

Jennie Lowell:
What?

Emma McArdle:
Well that's what I did to Matthew Barren.

Jennie Lowell:
Couldn't you think of anything more suddel?

Emma McArdle:
Not in the first grade.

Jennie Lowell:
Gee, I never knew I was so sexy.

Emma McArdle:
Yeah. Even in those clothes.

Jennie Lowell:
Is Emma upstairs?

Emma McArdle:
How do you spell catastrophe?

Jennie Lowell:
J.E.N.N.I.E.

Emma McArdle:
What's that?

Jennie Lowell:
Non of your business.

Emma McArdle:
Is it my present?

Jennie Lowell:
Yeah.

Emma McArdle:
You guys are so lucky, Aunt Edith always makes us fish.

Allie Lowell:
What's wrong with fish?

Emma McArdle:
She leaves the heads on.

Jennie Lowell:
What are you listening to?

Emma McArdle:
Tina Turner, what about you?

Jennie Lowell:
Sting.

Emma McArdle:
Wanna trade?

Jennie Lowell:
Sure.

Charles 'Chip' Lowell:
Watch it, my feelings could still get hurt.

Jennie Lowell:
Along with the rest of you.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
Let me tell you something about your father Emma, he may not always be there like other fathers, but when he is, it's parades and fireworks. Cherish every moment, he's like nobody else and he loves you so much.

Jennie Lowell:
When I first moved here from Conneticut they acted like I was invisible.

Jason Crawford:
What'd you do to fit in?

Jennie Lowell:
I latched onto Emma, I guess there is just something about her.

Kate McArdle:
Wouldn't you want a man that suprised you?

Allie Lowell:
I had a man who suprised me.

Kate McArdle:
Who?

Allie Lowell:
Charles.

Kate McArdle:
CHarles suprised you? With what?

Allie Lowell:
Claire.

Charles 'Chip' Lowell:
What's toxic waste?

Emma McArdle:
Mom's cooking.

Jennie Lowell:
I thought you liked the brainy type.

Emma McArdle:
I like science fiction, I don't wanna date an alien.

Jennie Lowell:
Emma, you just can't accept the fact that I'm more popular than you are.

Emma McArdle:
Popular is not the word I would have chosen.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
I think that fighting is the sign of a healthy relationship. Didn't you and Charles ever fight just to clear the air?

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
No, he'd growl from over a medical journal and I'd bake muffins.

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
There you go, Max and I fought all the time.

Allison 'Allie' Lowell:
So, you're divorced to, what does that prove?

Katherine 'Kate' McArdle:
Well it proves that... it proves that... just give me a minute...

Kate McArdle:
Are daughters are growing up.

Allie Lowell:
And there dating better men then we are.

Jennie Lowell:
We need a name that's sexy.

Emma McArdle:
Madonna!

Allie Lowell:
This guy sent a picture.

Kate McArdle:
Oh yeah, is he cute?

Allie Lowell:
Its not of his face!

Jennie Lowell:
This is so exciting, i'm shaking.

Emma McArdle:
Me too! I think it's all that cappuccino.

Charles 'Chip' Lowell:
How come you guys are always pushing me out of the room?

Jennie Lowell:
Cause mom would get mad if we pushed you out the window.

Jennie Lowell:
[to Emma] I don't care, think what you want.

Emma McArdle:
You can hate me if you want.

Jennie Lowell:
No.