Kath & Kim

Sharon:
Aw, Kimmy, I think it's nice your mum's got a boyfriend. Or are they de factos?

Kim:
De facto, night facto, the fact that they're facto-ing at all I find repulsive in the extreme.

[Kath trying to help her daughter to lose weight]

Kath:
Look at moy, look at moy. Kimmy, Look at moy. Now I've got one word to say to you... Ozone.

Kim:
What?

Kath:
The ozone diet. It's taking Hollywood by storm, Kim. See what you do is, you eating nothing but air for two weeks and then nothing but red meat for two weeks so it all evens out.

[In response to Kim's taunts about her mother's mature-age wedding]

Kath:
I don't think you can handle the fact that while your marriage is on the rocks, Kel and I are getting ours off.

[Indignant over Kath's coldness in response to his homosexual revelation]

Kel:
Right. Keep Saturday night free, because I'm going to prove to you I'm all the man you need. Now where did I put my man-bag?

Kim:
[telling Sharon how she managed to lose weight] I did it the old fashioned way... Laxatives and smokes.

[Begging his estranged wife]

Brett:
Kim, please come home... I don't know how to use the washing machine.

Kim:
Oh. That's all I am to you? Just a slave? Well I don't know how to use the washing machine either, Brett.

[an answering machine message to his estranged wife]

Brett:
Kim, pick up the phone, it's Brett... Look, can you call me back? I'm at work. I really need to talk to you... What day's rubbish day?

Kim:
Here's your statue, Mum.

Kath:
Oh, what for the love of God is that?

Kim:
It's the statue you wanted.

Kath:
What? No it's not, Kim.

Kim:
Yes it is, it's a statue of little baby cheeses.

Kath:
Little baby cheeses? Oh little baby *Jesus*, Kim, *Jesus*. [Exasperated] Oh, Jesus.

Kim:
My marriage is over. O-V-A-H. Over.

Kath:
Is that top from Ooh La La?

Kim:
No, it's from Uluru. I got it on my trip to Alice Springs.

Sharon:
I've taken up golf, Mrs D.

Kath:
Oh really?

Sharon:
Yeah. Me and the girls are going down to the Peninsula to play in a tournament.

Kim:
Which girls?

Sharon:
Oh, you know, K.D., Ellen, Martina. Just the usual gang.

Kim:
If Brett calls, I'm incommunicado.

Kath:
Where?

Sharon:
[Cheering for her team] Give me an S, give me an A, give me a P-P-H, give me an I, give me and R, give me an E-S. What does it spell?

Kim:
Piss off, Sharon.

Kim:
Oh, listen to this, Mum. [She reads from a novel] "He stood to attention, his sword erect, ready to take his punishment. He was a throbbing member of an exclusive club. The lord laughed as he thought of the noble knight's rogering."

Kath:
Oh, that sounds great, Kim.

Kim:
Yeah, it's the new Jeffrey Archer.

Kath:
Oh right. What happens in the end?

Kim:
I don't know. I haven't started it yet - that was just Jeffrey's bio in the front.

Kath:
Oh, he sounds nice.

Kim:
He does, doesn't he.

Kath:
Yeah, I like the sound of him.

Kim:
Oh, I always have.

Kath:
Hmm, decent.

Kim:
Brett Graig, please.

Shopgirl:
And who may I say is asking?

Kim:
Mrs Craig.

Shopgirl:
[Yells] Brett, your mother's here.

Kim:
All right. I'm guilty. You've found out my surprise.

Kath:
What, Kim?

Kim:
I've been trying to run up your credit card bill to earn you enough Fly-Buys to get you a free mystery flight for your honeymoon.

Kath:
Oh, well why didn't you say so, love? Oh, I'm thrilled. So do we get a free trip?

Kim:
Yes, I have managed to get you and Kel a trip. It's on Sunday the 23rd of October... 4:30... AM... You won't be sitting together and they can't tell me where you're going, but they can tell me that it's not out of the state.

Sharon:
That is so below the belt Kim, and you know how sensitive I am there.

Kim:
Oh, Sharon. You're my second best friend. Help me.

Kim:
I'm not criticizing you, I'm just saying you look bad.

Sharon:
I'm not saying it's you that looks bad; it's your dress that makes you look like a frump.

Kath:
I'm sure you've heard of those Nancy Kantz pants? Well these are the Kath Day enhance your fancy dance pants.

[making plans for the "Hens Night"]

Kim:
Yeah, I've had all those classic cocktails..."69er", "Slow screw against a wall", "Sex on the Beach"...

Kath:
Have you tried an "orgasm"?

Kim:
No, never had one of them...

Kim:
[talking about Sharon] She's one of those people who makes you feel better when they're around... You know, in comparison.

[Kim is looking at herself in the mirror. Her stomach is sucked in and she has her chest puffed out]

Kim:
Brett thought I was just a boring housewife... Well he was wrong! Look at me! I'm a hornbag!

[stops holding her stomach in as she flounces off with a pot belly]

Kel:
[seeing Kim's pot belly] So... when's the baby due?

Kim:
[offended] I'm not PREGNANT!

Kath:
[thinking Kim is gay] Kim I want you to know, I know that you've thrown your handbag in the river and I'm okay with that... [Kim looks bemused]

Kath:
[trying to talk to Kim about her sexuality, believing her to be a lesbian] You're a Dutch sea wall Kim!

Kim:
[confused] What?

Kath:
A dyke! on a bike... if you like...

Kim:
Mum, I'm not gay.

Kim:
[responding to Epponnee Rae's crying] Epponnee stop whinging, it's mummie's turn now!

Kim:
Mum. I don't want to be rich, I want to be effluent!

Kim:
My favourite movie's Shallow Hal. I can relate.

Kath:
Why? Because you're big kim?

Kim:
No, because I'm shallow. God, you're rude to me.

Eponney Rae:
My marriage is over - O, V, A, H.

Kimberly 'Kim' Day Craig:
Brett, why can't you compromise for once and just do what I say?

[Kim is preparing to give Sharon a makeover]

Kim:
Right, first things first. What season are you? Have you ever been assessed?

Sharon:
What?

Kim:
You know, like I'm a winter because I'm dark and frosty.

Sharon:
Oh, well, I'm kind of sunny, so maybe I should be a summer.

Kim:
No. And you're too heavy for summer and you're definitely not a spring.

Sharon:
No, on account of my allergies.

Kim:
I think I'll just put down El Nino.

[Reading a review of their amateur production of "The Hours"]

Kel Graham Knight:
Is "execrable" good?

Kimberly 'Kim' Day Craig:
Better than this? I don't think so.