Keen Eddie

[Eddie to Fiona]

Eddie:
Ya know what I like best about Nigel? His personality.

Eddie:
You know what I like about you?

Fiona:
What?

Eddie:
Nothing.

Eddie:
Why can't you just say "good morning?"

Fiona:
Why can't you just say "I've found my own flat." Five simple words to brighten up a rainy day. It's not hard. I've. Found. My. Own. Flat.

Eddie:
Really? When are you moving out?

Pippin:
You have to be careful though, mate. I can't handle these intense inter-personal things like that, you know? I'm English. I need to try and keep it down, keep it locked, inside, like we do. I mean, how else are you going to develop cancer?

Eddie:
[to Fiona] Why don't you do something really funny? You know, like push a handicapped kid down the stairs in his wheelchair?

Fiona:
Get out.

Eddie:
Out of the kitchen?

Fiona:
Out of the kitchen, out of the flat, out of London, out of the world. It's full. Get out.

Eddie:
I can't get out of the world. I didn't pull the kind of math grades you need to qualify for the space program.

Fiona:
Well we're in trouble then aren't we?

Eddie:
We certainly are, especially if you think that top goes with those pants.

Eddie:
Good morning.

Fiona:
Oh, is it? Has your visa expired?

Carol Ross:
Excuse me, sir, but the gentleman out here...

Eddie:
...who is of no importance whatsoever, Miss Hornypenny... uh... Moneypenny.

[About Morris the stalker of the German opera singer]

Eddie:
He left one day, gave the landlord his personal belongings with the instructions to do whatever he wants with them - which upsets me because it doesn't sound to me like he's got a plan b.

Pippin:
I love it. I bloody love opera.

Morris:
Hello my American friend.

Eddie:
Let me make myself perfectly clear: If you touch a hair on her head I will hunt you down in this life and in the next.

Morris:
I feel for you. Time is running out and you're frustrated.

Eddie:
No you're frustrated, Morris. I'm jammin' all your frequencies and I'm all over you.

Eddie:
I wanna read this opera - the entire thing. In English.

[Eddie to Fiona]

Eddie:
So you whored my dog to a dog food company?

Fiona:
Hello?

Eddie:
Hi, remember me?

Fiona:
No, I don't think I could forget you Eddie, even with therapy.

Eddie:
God, I like you so much better with some distance between us.

Fiona:
Well then back up just a few more steps. Keep going until you hit America. Look whatd'you want - your sourness is ruining my sauce.

Eddie:
Listen, I forgot my razor. I was wondering if you could put it in a bag and leave it on the porch. I already sent somebody over to pick it up.

Fiona:
I can't touch you razor, I haven't had the proper shots. Besides doesn't you and your girlfriend like the rough look?

Eddie:
What're you talking about?

Fiona:
You should pick up a newspaper from time to time. Your razor awaits.

Morris:
Are you still there, Eddie?

Eddie:
Yeah.

Morris:
Shouldn't you be here?

Eddie:
Yeah.

Eddie:
We fill the silence with our own insecurities.

Eddie:
What's in the soup?

Fiona:
Wouldn't you like to know.

Eddie:
Yes, I would so I could seek the proper medical attention.

Pippin:
[on recent casino robbery suspects] Duran Duran.

Eddie:
That explains what they've been up to since the 80's.

Kevin:
I know you're here.

Cecil Barrett:
[from bathroom] Good, you wanker.

Kevin:
[nervous, aims his shotgun] I've got a gun.

Cecil Barrett:
[from bathroom] Really? Good. I can't wait to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

[Eddie to Fiona]

Eddie:
So they finally fired ya? What'd they do catch ya stealin', lip gloss?

Wilson:
Wanker.

Eddie:
Brat.

Wilson:
Wanker.

Eddie:
The dog's name is Pete. If he tries to mount you in the middle of the night, say "no" sternly, but don't look him in the eye.

Eddie:
What's wrong with the old toaster?

Fiona:
It didn't make me happy.

Pippin:
What?

Eddie:
Nothin'. I'm just trying to picture you with an acceptable personality.

Pippin:
Yeah, I'm going to be amazing if can use my powers for good instead of evil.

Eddie:
You'd need a cape.

Eddie:
Hey I'm Eddie. How d'you like me so far?

Fiona:
Your dog is using my cat as a shag toy.

[Eddie is watching Pete pursue Duchess through the keyhole]

Eddie:
No, Pete. Bad. Bad dog.

Fiona:
Well?

Eddie:
Well, unless Duchess knows how to do the wheelbarrow, you don't want to know.

[Asking about Superintendent Johnson]

Eddie Arlette:
Is he gay?

Monty Pippin:
No, just going places.

Eddie:
How do you like me so far?

Mitchell Friedman:
So, are you a couple?

Eddie:
Who, me and her? Nah, she's gay.

Fiona:
Very funny.

Eddie:
It'd be funny 10 years ago but today it's a totally acceptable lifestyle.

Eddie:
Oh, yeah. Pete and your fur coat - they're like a couple now.

Fiona:
Aha. And are they..."mating?"

Eddie:
I think it's safe to say they're past 3rd base.

Eddie:
Let me give you a translation from the Eddie dictionary. When someone says to me "play ball," that means "we're a bunch of weasels. Come join us in our weaselness. Be a weasel too. Nobody's looking." I've been called a lot of things but a play ball kinda guy is not one of them.

Eddie:
By the way, Milli called. She said you're okay for tonight.

[to Mitchell]

Eddie:
Sounds pretty serious, doesn't it?

Fiona:
Mitchell, ignore what you're hearing. Milli's a *friend* from work.

Eddie:
You know, you should bring her by a little more often - we kinda had a "vibe" going, me and her.

Fiona:
She thinks you're crass.

Eddie:
Ah, then again she is gay - I mean, it's biological. What can you do about it? And you guys make such a great couple, i wouldn't want to break that up. Oh, my God, look at the time.