Kenan & Kel: Two Heads Are Better Than None

Kel Kimble:
[singing] 12 bottles of orange soda on the wall! Twelve bottles of orange soda! Take one down, pass it around! ELEVEN BOTTLES OF ORANGE SODDDDAAAAA ON THE WAAAAAAAALLLL! Awe...

Kenan Rockmore:
What, that's it?

Kel Kimble:
What?

Kenan Rockmore:
You're just gonna stop at eleven?

Kel Kimble:
Yeah!

Kenan Rockmore:
You mean we had to sit through 'A Million Bottles of Orange Soda on the Wall' and you're just gonna stop at eleven? You're not even gonna finish?

Kel Kimble:
Yeah, I'm tired of that song.

Kel Kimble:
[hears footsteps behind him]

Kel Kimble:
Kenan, please tell me one of us lost our shoes back there.

Kenan Rockmore:
What's cookin', man?

Kel Kimble:
Sticks. Want some?

[takes a bite]

Kenan Rockmore:
No, I prefer to eat things that are food.

Roger Rockmore:
[In a pouring rainstorm] That's it. I'm going outside to get the luggage!

Sheryl Rockmore:
[as he goes] Roger-what are you... no! Get BACK IN HERE! Get...

Roger Rockmore:
[Roger is struck by lightning]

Sheryl Rockmore:
ROGER! GET IN THE CAR! GET BACK IN THE CAR!

Roger Rockmore:
COME ON! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF BEING STRUCK BY LIGHTNING TWICE? [Is hit with more lightning]

Kel Kimble:
[In the Weird Museum] Look, Kenan-it's Dennis Rodman's head... made out of meat!

Kenan Rockmore:
...Why?

Kel Kimble:
[Roger finishes a very high-pitched version of "Home on the Range"] Man, that stunk.

Kenan Rockmore:
No, Kel, that didn't stunk... it was just... seriously freaky!

Sheryl Rockmore:
Kenan, this trip means a lot to your father. I can't remember the last time I saw him so happy.

Roger Rockmore:
[Comes in and sees bags] More bags? This is ridiculous! This is gonna be the worst trip of my life!

Kenan Rockmore:
Yeah, he sure seems real happy.

Kel Kimble:
[Walking to Rockville] Can't... can't... go on... must... must have... water!... I'm too thirsty. Kenan... go on... without me! [Collapses]

Kenan Rockmore:
[Turns, revealing that they are three feet from the car] Could we get some water here, please?

Kel Kimble:
Are we there yet? Are we? I'm tired. My legs hurt. Can I go to the bathroom? Roger, you smell like gas. I need to go to the bathroom. Aw! I really do. Where are we? Can we turn on the radio? I'm bored.

Kenan Rockmore:
KEL! Can you please be quiet? You are not making this awful ride any easier.

Kel Kimble:
I'm bored.

Kel Kimble:
Goodnight, Kenan.

Kenan Rockmore:
Oh, please don't say that word. I don't wanna hear of a goodnight, badnight, headless knight, no knight!

Kel Kimble:
Hey, how do you suppose he chops off the people's heads?

Kenan Rockmore:
Don't know! Go to sleep!

Kel Kimble:
A knife, or a sword? or with scissors? Nah, nah. Scissors would take too long.

Kenan Rockmore:
Please stop talking! Just, rest.

Kel Kimble:
Hey, you know what? What does he do with the bodies after he's done eating them? Like, where does he put the bones, I mean because...

Kenan Rockmore:
Enough!

Kel Kimble:
They probably just...

Kenan Rockmore:
I don't wanna hear about the headless knight chopping off people's heads or what he does with the bones or what kind of car he drives! I don't wanna talk about him.

Kel Kimble:
Alright... nighty night night.

Shelly Wilson:
Arthur has been so kind!

Uncle Leo:
Oh yes, very kind. Kind of a jerk!

Roger Rockmore:
Do I look like a mechanic?

Kel Kimble:
Well, is a mechanic big, bald, and acrimonious?

Roger Rockmore:
Will you be quiet?

Kel Kimble:
Acrimonious!

Kenan Rockmore:
Okay, I was standing right here, and he was standing, over there.

Roger Rockmore:
Well maybe he had to get back to his castle, or slay a dragon!

Kenan Rockmore:
Daddy I'm telling the truth!

Kel Kimble:
I believe you, Kenan, even if you are lying.

Kenan Rockmore:
[reads the legend of the Headless Knight] It says here that hundreds of years ago, this knight lost his head in a battle, and he survived!

Kyra Rockmore:
Without a head?

Kenan Rockmore:
Check this out, it says that he chops off the heads of innocent victims and then wears them as if they were his own. Then he gets rid of their bodies by eating 'em! [Kel retches] I am telling y'all, I saw the Headless Knight, he wanted my head!

Sheryl Rockmore:
Please, Kenan, this is just a made up story.

Kenan Rockmore:
No it was not! I saw him! It says that people have reported seeing him as recently as a year ago in a town called Rockville.

Kenan Rockmore:
Okay, it says that it's 10 miles to Rockville, Rockville, yeah.

Kel Kimble:
Rockville? Oh man that's the evil town! That's where the Headless Knight lives! That's the place the man told us to stay away from!

Kenan Rockmore:
Didn't you bring anything?

Kel Kimble:
Let me see. [opens a suitcase, takes a suitcase out of it and opens it up]

Kenan Rockmore:
Why did you pack suitcases inside of other suitcases?

Kel Kimble:
Case I lost one.

Kenan Rockmore:
Ah, stupid me. Well what's in that one?

Kel Kimble:
Orange soda and an umbrella.

Kenan Rockmore:
That's it? I mean you packed the umbrella but you didn't pack no drawers?

Kel Kimble:
I don't think underwear would come in handy during a rain storm, Kenan.

[while the Rockmores and Kel are camping]

Kel Kimble:
[telling a ghost story] When the bread popped out of the toaster, no one knew what to put on it jelly, margarine, cinnamon-sugar. I suggested butter, crumbs were everywhere...

Kenan Rockmore:
Man! He said let's tell "ghost stories", not "toast stories."

Kel Kimble:
But I don't know any good ghost stories!