Key and Peele

Various Characters:
All right, listen up, y'all. I'm y'all's substitute teacher, Mr. Garvey. I taught school for 20 years in the inner city, so don't even think about messing with me! Y'all feel me? Okay, let's take roll here. Jay-quellin. [Nobody answers] Where's Jay-quellin at? No Jay-quellin here? [One girl raises her hand] Yes?

Jacquelin:
Uh, do you mean Jacquelline?

Various Characters:
Okay, so that's how it's gonna be. Y'all wanna play. Okay, then. I got my eye on you Jay-quellin. "Buh-lah-kay." [No answer] Where is Buh-lah-gay at? No Buh-lah-kay here today? [Another student raises his hand] Yes, sir?

Blake:
My name's Blake.

Various Characters:
Are you outta your God-damned mind? "Blake?" What? Do you wanna go to war, Buh-lah-kay?

Blake:
No.

Various Characters:
'Cuz we could go to war. I'm for real. So you better check yourself. "De-nice." Is there a De-nice? If one of y'all says some silly-ass name, this whole class is gonna feel my wrath. Now, De-nice.

Denise:
Do you mean Denise?

Various Characters:
SON OF A B*TCH! [Breaks his clipboard over his knees] You say your name right, right now.

Denise:
Denise.

Various Characters:
Say it right.

Denise:
Denise.

Various Characters:
Correctly.

Denise:
Denise.

Various Characters:
Right.

Denise:
De-nice.

Various Characters:
That's better, thank you! Now, "Ay-ay-ron." Where are you? Where is Ay-ay-ron right now? No ay-ay-ron, huh? Well you better be sick, dead or mute Ay-ay-ron.

Aaron:
Here! [Under breath] Oh, man!

Various Characters:
Why didn't you answer me the first time I said it?

Aaron:
Huh?

Various Characters:
I only said Ay-ay-ron four times, why didn't you answer one of those times?

Aaron:
Because it's pronounced Aaron.

Various Characters:
SON OF A B*TCH! [Throws several pieces of lab equipment to the ground] YOU DONE MESSED UP, AY-AY-RON! YOU DONE MESSED UP! Now march your ass down to O'Shag-Hennessey's office and explain to him exactly what you did?

Aaron:
Principal O'Shaughnessy?

Various Characters:
Get outta my God-damned classroom before I break my foot off in your ass!

Various Characters:
[the Bouncer closes off entry to a bar right in front of Andre and Meegan] What? Oh my God, are you serious? This is bullshit! What could possibly be the problem with letting two more people in?

Bouncer:
Check your girl, bro.

Various Characters:
Excuse me, what did you say? Check your girl? Nuh-uh, it doesn't work like that. No one checks me because I'm not luggage. Okay? So you can go f*** yourself.

Various Characters:
Meegan, seriously. Two more people are gonna come out in a couple of seconds, and then we can go in.

Various Characters:
NO! Let me ask you a question, what was it like being in The Green Mile?

Various Characters:
He wasn't in The Green Mile?

Various Characters:
What does Tom Hanks's penis feel like? Moreover, what's it like to have swarms of bees are coming out of your face?

Various Characters:
Seriously, I'm sorry. It's like her favorite movie.

Various Characters:
DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR ME! This is nice, you look like Common meets the Incredible Hulk. When you brought the frankincense to Baby Jesus, did they, like, make you stand outside because you were too big, or invite you in with the rest of the animals? Don't flare your nostrils at me! Do you know how impolite that is?

Various Characters:
He hasn't moved his nostrils once since we got here.

Various Characters:
I SAW THEM MOVE! They flared! Your nostrils flared more than the survivor of a boat accident! You know what? If you're just going to continue to be a little prick, you're going to get your ass kicked. [Touches him in the chest with her fingernail]

Bouncer:
Crazy b*tch. [Meegan gasps as if offended and looks expectantly at Andre, who reluctantly puts his dukes up to fight the bouncer. The bouncer quickly punches him in the face]

Various Characters:
I totally love my nails right now. [Later, Meegan and Andre walk away from the bar, Andre nursing a black eye] I'm so over everything right now. I'm over this bar, I'm over you, I'm over that p*ssy. YOU'RE A P*SSY! [They walk by a group of bikers, one of whom makes kissing noises at her] Excuse me? What did you just say? What the f*** did you just say? You guys get back here with your little, itty bitty d*cks.

Biker:
You'd best control your lady.

Various Characters:
Excuse me? Control your lady? He doesn't control me because, let me tell you something: I'm not a remote.

Various Characters:
Meegan, please, can we just let this go?

Various Characters:
No, I'm talking to the Pussies of Anarchy right now. Yeah, you. Why don't you all gather yourselves, and why don't you figure out a way to suck on each others' leathery peni?

Biker:
Hey, f*** you, b*tch!

Various Characters:
[Again, Meegan acts offended and looks over at Andre, who puts up his dukes] That's not even the plural of penis.

Various Characters:
[the bikers beat him up. Afterwards... ] I'm the queen of the world! I feel like I'm invincible, like I have super powers or something. You hear that, all you a**holes of the world? I can do anything I want, and nobody can stop me!

Various Characters:
[Now with two black eyes] That's because you don't fight your own fights, you crazy b*tch!

Various Characters:
[Meegan turns around, offended, and looks at Andre with angry eyes. Realizing what he has to do, he punches himself in the face and fall unconscious] Nothing can stop me!