Kick-Ass

Dave Lizewski:
How do I get a hold of you?

Hit Girl:
[sarcastically] You just contact the mayor's office. He has a special signal he shines in the sky; it's in the shape of a giant cock.

Damon Macready:
[from trailer] Tool up, honey bunny. It's time to get bad guys.

Hit Girl:
So, you wanna play?

Hit Girl:
Okay you c*nts... Let's see what you can do now!

Damon Macready:
So... Have you thought a little more about what you might want for your birthday?

Mindy Macready:
Can I get a puppy?

Damon Macready:
[surprised] You wanna get a dog?

Mindy Macready:
Yeah, a cuddly fluffy one, and a Bratz movie-star make over Sasha!

[Damon is stunned]

Mindy Macready:
[laughs] I'm just f***ing with you Daddy! Look, I'd love a Benchmade model 42 butterfly knife.

Damon Macready:
[relieved] Oh, child... You always knock me for a loop!

Huge Goon:
F*** this sh*t, I'm getting the bazooka!

Katie Deauxma:
Dave? What the f*** are you doing? Why are you dressed as Kick-Ass?

Dave Lizewski:
Because I am Kick-Ass!

Katie Deauxma:
What are you talking about?

Dave Lizewski:
I'm also not gay!

Katie Deauxma:
F***!

Diner Fight Guy 1:
The f*** is wrong with you, man? You'd rather die for some piece of sh*t that you don't even f***ing know?

Dave Lizewski:
The three a**holes, laying into one guy while everybody else watches? And you wanna know what's wrong with me? Yeah, I'd rather die... so bring it on!

Dave Lizewski:
Even with my metal plates and my f***ed up nerve endings, I gotta tell you, that hurt! But not half as much as the idea of leaving everything behind. Katie, my dad, Todd and Marty... and all the things I'd never do. Like learn to drive or see what me and Katie's kids would look like or find out what happened on "Lost". And if you're reassuring yourself that I'm going to make it through this since I'm talking to you now, quit being such a smart-ass! Hell dude, you never seen "Sin City"? "Sunset Boulevard"? "American Beauty"?

Chris D'Amico:
Dad, you better fire this a**hole!

Frank D'Amico:
Ignore him... a bazooka?

[the huge goon nods]

Frank D'Amico:
OK.

Huge Goon:
(preparing to fire the bazooka) I've always wanted to say this. Say hello...to my little friend!

Dave Lizewski:
With no power, comes no responsibility. Except, *that* wasn't true.

Dave Lizewski:
Like most people my age, I just existed.

Dave Lizewski:
F*** you, Mr. Bitey!

Todd:
Yeah! I think I'm in love with her, dude.

Marty:
She looks like she's about 11 years old but...

Todd:
I can wait! I solemnly vow to save myself for her.

Marty:
I can see how that would be really difficult for you.

Damon Macready:
[finding Marcus in his apartment, pointing a gun at him] How'd you find me, Marcus?

Sergeant Marcus Williams:
One of us is still a cop, remember?

Sergeant Marcus Williams:
You owe that girl a childhood.

Damon Macready:
I'll tell you who owes her a childhood, FRANK D'AMICO!

Hit Girl:
Show's over, motherf***ers. [shoots camera]

Damon Macready:
Hit-Girl, back to headquarters!

Damon Macready:
Mindy, no more homework, Babydoll. Time for Frank D'Amico to go bye-bye.

Hit Girl:
Whatta douche!

Hit Girl:
[to kick-ass] Hey Green a**hole! You can't use the front door now!

Dave Lizewski:
[introducing himself] Dave. Dave Lizewski.

Hit Girl:
[laughs] I know that, dumbass!

Hit Girl:
Aww dude, that is one *gay* looking taser.

Chris D'Amico:
Yeah, that's right! We're superheroes! You love us!

Frank D'Amico:
Playtime's over kid.

Hit Girl:
I *never* "play"

[Big Daddy just shot a man who was sneaking up on Hit-Girl as he was about to kill her]

Damon Macready:
Now Hit-Girl, we always keep our backs where?

Hit Girl:
To the wall Daddy, I know. Um, it... it won't happen again. Nice shot, by the way.

Damon Macready:
Thank you.

Dave Lizewski:
If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead.

Hit Girl:
And if it wasn't for you... my dad wouldn't be.

[Stu barges into Frank's office and Frank almost shoots him]

Huge Goon:
Whoa! It's only me boss. Everything's under control.

[slowly creeps over to the bazooka while Frank & Chris stare at him]

Chris D'Amico:
Under control? You're grabbing a f***ing bazooka, you dumbass!

Huge Goon:
[looks at Frank] Sir?

Frank D'Amico:
Do it.

[last lines]

Dave Lizewski:
[voiceover] Kick-Ass was gone but not forgotten. And my world was a lot safer with the new generation of superheroes. They said I was their inspiration. But all I did was open a door to a world I'd dreamed about since I was a little kid.

[cut to Chris/Red Mist in his father's office]

Chris D'Amico:
A world full of superheroes, eh?

[Chris turns around, showing his revamped Red Mist costume, and dons a new, decidedly more 'supervillain' mask]

Chris D'Amico:
As a great man once said... wait 'til they get a load of me.

Dave Lizewski:
Jesus, guys, doesn't it bug you? Like thousand of people wanna be Paris Hilton and nobody wants to be Spiderman.

Marty:
Yeah, what's with that? She has like no tits at all.

Todd:
Maybe it's the porn tape, he doesn't have a porn tape.

Marty:
You guys never saw "One Night In Spiderman"?

[Chris hands his father a list]

Frank D'Amico:
What's this?

Chris D'Amico:
That's everything I need. And you may have to screw someone over. Like Louie...

Big Joe:
Louie? Whoa, Chris.

Chris D'Amico:
Or somebody, it doesn't have to be Louie.

Big Joe:
Tony.

Chris D'Amico:
Tony!

Frank D'Amico:
Tony?

Chris D'Amico:
I've always hated Tony.

Big Joe:
Yeah, f*** Tony. He's a scumbag.

Frank D'Amico:
Tony. [hands the paper back]

Mindy Macready:
Daddy? I'm scared.

Damon Macready:
Come on, Mindy, honey? Be a big girl now. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Mindy Macready:
Is it gonna hurt bad?

Damon Macready:
Aww, child. Only for a second, sugar.

Damon Macready:
[testing her] A handgun bullet travels at? More than?

Mindy Macready:
[rolls eyes] 700 miles an hour.

Damon Macready:
700 miles an hour. So at close range like this, the force is gonna take you off your feet for sure, but it's really no more painful than a punch in the chest.

Mindy Macready:
[mumbles to herself] I hate getting punched in the chest.

Damon Macready:
[c*cks gun] You're gonna be fine, baby doll!

[he aims and fires, hitting her squarely in the chest. She goes flying off her feet, landing on her back]

Damon Macready:
[walking up to her as she pulls the bullet out of her bullet-proof vest hidden underneath her jacket] How was that? Not so bad. Kinda fun, huh? Now you know how it feels. You won't be scared when some junkie a**hole pulls a glock.

Mindy Macready:
[smiling] I wouldn't have been scared anyways!

Damon Macready:
That's my girl.

[helping her up]

Damon Macready:
Alright, up you get. Two more rounds and then home.

Mindy Macready:
Again?

Damon Macready:
Uh-huh.

Mindy Macready:
Look, only if we can go by the bowling alley on the way back.

Damon Macready:
The bowling alley?

Mindy Macready:
Yeah, and ice cream after!

Damon Macready:
[thinking about it for a second] Huh... okay. Two more rounds. No wincing... No whining! And you got yourself a deal, young lady.

Mindy Macready:
Yeah! I'm gonna get a hot fudge sundae!

Damon Macready:
Good call, baby doll!

[shoots her again]

Big Daddy:
Take cover child!

Big Daddy:
Go to Robiiiin's Reveeeeeeeenge!

Big Daddy:
Good job. I'm so proud of you, baby doll. Are you okay?

Hit Girl:
Mhmm... but getting shot, Daddy... it hurt a lot more than when you did it.

Big Daddy:
That's because I used low velocity rounds, child... he... he...

Hit Girl:
You're the kindest Daddy in the whole world.

Big Daddy:
No, I just... I love you...

Hit Girl:
I love you, too, Daddy... I love you, too, Daddy. Sleep tight.

[Dave sees Hit-Girl studying security cam footage]

Dave Lizewski:
Is that Frank D'Amico's place? All that security? What are you, crazy?

Hit Girl:
My mom already died for nothing. So I'm sure as hell not gonna let my dad die for nothing too.

Dave Lizewski:
You can't do this on your own.

Hit Girl:
Exactly. You wanna deal with owing my dad? Then shut the hell up, and pick your weapon.

Dave Lizewski:
I'll be honest, there wasn't a whole lot of crime-fighting in those first few weeks. But even so, my new vocation kept me plenty busy. I called it preparation. But if you called it fantasizing, it would've been hard to argue. All I knew was, I never felt so good about myself.

Mrs. Zane:
[From Dave's fantasy where she wears nothing but her bra and underwear, with a seductive tone] Look at me, Dave; Look at me.

Dave Lizewski:
This is awesome! I look like frickin' Wolverine!

Frank D'Amico:
I gotta send a public service message to the people out there that being a superhero is bad for your health.

Dave Lizewski:
What's the difference between Spider-Man and Peter Parker? Spider-Man gets the girl.

Dave Lizewski:
Like every serial killer already knew: eventually fantasizing just doesn't do it for you anymore.

Frank D'Amico:
[in falsetto voice] Mommy, I want to have a Kick-Ass party!

Todd:
What do you think, Katie?

Katie Deauxma:
I don't know. But I think Kick-Ass is cuter.

Dave Lizewski:
You do?

Katie Deauxma:
Oh yeah. I'd totally f*** his brains out if I got the chance.

Dave Lizewski:
Really? You would?

Katie Deauxma:
Definitely.

Dave Lizewski:
Well, you interested in checking out that new Kate Hudson movie where she's like a shoe designer? I think we can make the next showing...

Katie Deauxma:
Totally.

[Frank D'Amico is about to shoot Hit-Girl, sees Dave]

Dave Lizewski:
[pointing a bazooka at Frank] Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

Hit Girl:
[after Hit-Girl and Kick-Ass have landed on the roof of Mindy's building with the jet-pack] Thanks, Kick-Ass. My daddy... He would have been proud of *both* of us.

Dave Lizewski:
[removes his mask] Dave... [extends his hand]... Dave Lizewski.

Hit Girl:
[smiles] I know that, dumbass. [chuckles, then removes her own wig and mask] Mindy... Mindy Macready. [She extends her own hand and they shake as both a formal introduction and recognition of their new partnership]

Damon Macready:
[Damon is studying security videos and blueprints for Frank D'Amico's building] We've gotta get *over* it, on *top* of it, and then *into* it! Right in the middle of it!

Mindy Macready:
[looks up from the computer screen she's been studying] Daddy, I think I found one. It's perfect, and they can deliver it in three days. [slightly deflated as she looks at the price] Ah... It's three hundred thousand bucks.

Damon Macready:
[walks around the desk to examine her discovery on the the computer screen] Can you think of anything else you'd rather spend it on? [sees what's on the screen] Oooohhhhhhhh, my gosh! That is *cool*!

Mindy Macready:
[smiling] Yeah!

Damon Macready:
Add to shopping cart.

Mindy Macready:
Okay.

Dave Lizewski:
[voiceover] In the world I lived in, heroes only existed in comic books. And I guess that'd be okay, if bad guys were make-believe too, but they're not.

[first lines]

Dave Lizewski:
I always wondered why nobody did it before me. I mean, all those comic books, movies, TV shows. You think that one eccentric loner would've made himself a costume. I mean, is everyday life really so exciting? Are schools and offices so thrilling that I'm the only one who fantasized about this? Come on, be honest with yourself. At some point in our lives we all wanna be a superhero.

Dave Lizewski:
That's not me,by the way. That's some Armenia guy with a history of mental health problems.

Hit Girl:
[grinning at bad guy's balisong knife] Hey, I got one of those!

Leroy:
[to Kick-Ass] Who the f*** are you supposed to be? The green condom? You know it ain't Halloween for another few months, kid?

Cody:
[to Big Daddy] Let me out now? I gave you all them names and addresses. Hey, I won't say nothing to nobody. You and your crazy midget friend can go bash whoever you want. Hey, come on. Hey, I know some very bad people up town. Really nasty individuals.

Dave Lizewski:
That's not me, by the way. That's some Armenian dude with a history of mental health problems. Who am I? I'm kick ass! [six months earlier] That's me. Back before any of this crazy sh*t happened. I guess I'm the last person you'd expect to become a superhero. I'm not saying there was anything wrong with me, but there was nothing special, either. I wasn't into sports, I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer. I didn't have a piercing, or an eating disorder, or 3000 friends on MySpace. My only superpower was being invisible to girls. And out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one. Like most people my age, I just existed.

[last lines]

Frank D'Amico:
God I wish I had a son like you... time for the family reunion!

Dave:
How come nobody's ever tried to be a superhero?

Marty:
Boy, I don't know. Probably 'cause it's f***ing impossible, dipshit.

Dave:
What, putting on a mask and helping people? How's that impossible?

Todd:
That's not superhero, though. How is that super? Super's like being stronger than everybody and flying and sh*t. That's just hero.

Marty:
No, it's not even hero. It's just f***ing psycho.

Todd:
Hmm.

Dave:
Hello? Bruce Wayne? He didn't have any powers.

Todd:
Yes, but he had all the expensive sh*t that doesn't exist. I thought you mean like, "How come nobody does it in real life?"

Dave:
Yeah, Todd. That's what I meant.

Marty:
Dude, if anybody did it in real life, they'd get their ass kicked. They'd be dead in like a day.

Todd:
A day.

Dave:
Yeah, okay, I'm not saying they should do it. I just can't figure out why nobody does. Seriously, out of all the millions of people who love superheroes, you'd think one would give it a try. [Todd and Marty just give Dave looks of disagreement] Jesus, doesn't that bug you guys? Like thousands of people want to be Paris Hilton; nobody wants to be Spider-Man.

Marty:
[to Todd] Yeah, what's with that? She has like no tits, at all.

Damon:
So, have you thought a little more about what you might want for your birthday?

Mindy:
Can I get a puppy?

Damon:
[in disbelief] You wanna get a dog?

Mindy:
Yeah, a cuddly, fluffy one. And a Bratz Movie Star Makeover Sasha.

[Damon is stunned.]

Mindy:
[laughing] I'm just messing with you, Daddy. Look, I'd love a Benchmade Model 42 butterfly knife.

Damon:
[in relief] Oh, child. You always knock me for a loop. You know what?

Mindy:
What?

Damon:
I'm gonna get you two.

Mindy:
Two?

Damon:
One balisong. Two balisong. That's what you get.

Mindy:
You know what? Everyone likes Kick-Ass. If you see the clip he's actually pretty good.

Damon:
Good at getting his ass... kicked. They should call him Ass-Kick, instead. [laughs sarcastically]

Mindy:
That doesn't even make sense.

[Dave is sleeping in bed with his costume on; he hears a noise, wakes up, rushes to turn on the light, sees Hit-Girl and Big Daddy standing in his room.]

Dave/Kick-Ass:
[panting] I didn't say anything to anyone, I swear!

Big Daddy:
Good move, Ass-Kick. Let's keep it that way.

Hit Girl:
[shows cartridge in her hand] You know what this is? [Dave shakes his head] It's all the cartridge crap that comes out of your gay little taser when you fire it. You do know the police could've traced this right back to you if they found it? But lucky for you, I picked it up.

Dave/Kick-Ass:
[in relief] Thank you. [walks over to claim the stuff from Hit-Girl; Big Daddy takes it from his hands]

Big Daddy:
Let's call it insurance. Makes it easier for us to take your word. See, we like you, but we don't trust you.

Hit Girl:
Don't take it personal, though. We don't trust anybody.

Big Daddy:
I rerouted your IP adress. Finding you was way too easy.

Dave/Kick-Ass:
[stammering] Oh, sh*t. Sh*t, I hadn't thought…my God, I…I owe you. You know what? I'm thinking of just shutting my site down anyway. Quitting. I mean, this is…it's f***ing insane. I'm in way over my head.

Hit Girl:
It's a shame. You have potential.

Big Daddy:
Your call. But you know, we're around if you need us.

Dave/Kick-Ass:
How do I get a hold of you?

Hit Girl:
[sarcastically] You just contact the mayor's office, he has a special signal he shines in the sky. It's in the shape of a giant cock.

Big Daddy:
You need us, put on your website that you're on vacation. We'll find you. [to Hit-Girl] Hit-Girl, back to headquarters. [jumps out of window]

Hit Girl:
[to Dave, as she follows Big Daddy] Sweet dreams. [Blows him a kiss and then jumps out of window, leaving Dave distraught]

Huge Goon:
Everything is under control. [grabs the bazooka]

Red Mist:
Under control? You're grabbing a f***ing bazooka, you dumbass!

Frank D'Amico:
[fighting Hit-Girl] Ruin my business, huh? Kill every single f***ing guy on my payroll?! [picks up gun] God, I wish I had a son like you. [points gun at Hit-Girl] Time for a family reunion.

Dave/Kick-Ass:
Hey! [Frank looks up to see Kick-Ass holding a bazooka] Why don't you pick on somebody your own size? [blasts Frank out of the window]

Dave Lizewski/Kick-Ass:
[while attempting to rescue a stubborn cat named 'Mister Bitey' who was stuck on a billboard platform] F*** YOU, Mister Bitey! [falls off platform]

Damon Macready/Big Daddy:
[lifts up gun at Mindy] You're gonna be fine, babydoll! [shoots Mindy in the chest]

Chris D'Amico/Red Mist:
As a great man once said, "Wait 'til they get a load of me!".

Frank D'Amico:
[in mockingly childish falsetto] Mommy! I want a Kick-Ass party! [in normal voice] Dumb little fucks.

Frank D'Amico:
come.

Huge Goon:
[about to fire the bazooka] Say hello to my little friend!

Rasul:
You are so f***ing dead, man! [gets stabbed by Hit-Girl]

Mindy Macready/Hit-Girl:
[after killing Cody in his car with a car crusher] What a douche.

Mindy Macready/Hit-Girl:
[after saving Big Daddy and Kick-Ass from being executed on live television] Show's over, motherfuckers. [destroys the video camera]

Chris D'Amico/Red Mist:
That's right, we're superheroes, you love us.