Kill Bill: Volume 2

Bill:
Once upon a time in China, some believe around the year one double-ought three, head priest of the White Lotus Clan, Pai Mei, was walking down the road - contemplating whatever it is that a man of Pai Mei's nearly infinite powers would contemplate - which is another way of saying "who knows?" - when a Shaolin monk appeared on the road, traveling in the opposite direction. As the monk and the priest crossed paths, Pai Mei, in a practically unfathomable display of generosity, gave the monk the slightest of nods. The nod was not returned. Now, was it the intention of the Shaolin monk to insult Pai Mei? Or did he just fail to see the generous social gesture? The motives of the monk remain unknown. What is known were the consequences. The next morning Pai Mei appeared at the Shaolin Temple and demanded of the Temple's head abbot that he offer Pai Mei his neck to repay the insult. The Abbot at first tried to console Pai Mei, only to find Pai Mei was … inconsolable. So began the massacre of the Shaolin Temple and all sixty of the monks inside at the fists of the White Lotus. And so began the legend of Pai Mei's five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique.

Bill:
Is that not the perfect visual image of life and death? A fish flapping on the carpet, and a fish not flapping on the carpet.

Bill:
I suppose the traditional way to conclude this is we cross Hanzo swords. Well, it just so happens this hacienda comes with its very own private beach. And this private beach just so happens to look particularly beautiful bathed in moonlight. And there just so happens to be a full moon out tonight. So, swordfighter, if you want to sword fight, that's where I suggest. But if you wanna be old school about it, and you know I'm all about old school, then we can wait till dawn, and slice each other up at sunrise, like a couple of real-life, honest-to-goodness samurais.

Bill:
I'm a killer! I'm a murdering bastard, you know that. And there are consequences to breaking the heart of a murdering bastard.

The Bride/Beatrix Kiddo:
Looked dead, didn't I? Well, I wasn't, but i wasn't for lack of trying i can tell you that.Actually, Bill's last bullet put me in a coma, a coma I was to lie in for four years. When I woke up, I went on what the movie advertisements referred to as a roaring rampage of revenge. I roared and I rampaged and I got bloody satisfaction. I've killed a hell of a lot of people to get to this point. But I have only one more. The last one, the one I'm driving to right now. The only one left. And when I arrive at my destination, I am gonna kill Bill.

The Bride/Beatrix Kiddo:
My P*ssy Wagon died on me.

Elle Driver:
Let me put it this way: if you ever start feeling sentimental, go to Barstow, California. When you get here, walk into a florist and buy a bunch of flowers. Then you take those flowers to Huntington cemetery on Fuller and Guadalupe, look for the headstone marked Paula Schultz, then lay them on the grave. Because you will be standing at the final resting place of Beatrix Kiddo.

Elle Driver:
[Reading from her notepad] "The venom of a black mamba can kill a human in four hours, if, say, bitten on the ankle or the thumb. However, a bite to the face or torso can bring death from paralysis within 20 minutes." Now, you should listen to this, 'cause this concerns you. "The amount of venom that can be delivered from a single bite can be gargantuan." You know, I've always liked that word, "gargantuan" … I so rarely have an opportunity to use it in a sentence. "If not treated quickly with antivenom, 10 to 15 milligrams can be fatal to human beings. However, the black mamba can deliver as much as 100 to 400 milligrams of venom from a single bite."

Bill:
Do you find me sadistic? You know, Kiddo, I'd like to believe that you're aware enough, even now, to know that there's nothing sadistic in my actions. This moment, this is me at my most … masochistic.

The Bride:
Bill, it's your bab-

[Bill shoots The Bride]

Budd:
You're telling me she cut her way through eighty-eight bodyguards before she got to O-Ren?

Bill:
Nah, there weren't really eighty-eight of them. They just called themselves "The Crazy 88".

Budd:
How come?

Bill:
I don't know, I guess they thought it sounded cool. Anyhow, they all fell under her Hanzo sword.

Budd:
She's got a Hanzo sword?

Bill:
He made one for her.

Budd:
Didn't he swear a blood oath to never make another sword?

Bill:
It would appear he has broken it.

Budd:
Them Japs sure know how to hold a grudge, don't they? [laughs] Or maybe … you just tend to bring that out in people. […]

Bill:
I know we haven't spoken in some time, and the last time we spoke wasn't the most pleasant. But you've got to get over being mad at me and start becoming afraid of Beatrix, because she is coming, and she's coming to kill you. And unless you accept my assistance, I have no doubt she will succeed.

Budd:
[stares hard at Bill] I don't dodge guilt, and I don't jew out of paying my comeuppance.

Bill:
Can't we just forget the past?

Budd:
That woman deserves her revenge, and we deserve to die. [considers] But then again, so does she. So I guess we'll just see … won't we?

Elle Driver:
[into phone] Bill?

Budd:
[into phone] Wrong brother, you hateful b*tch.

Elle Driver:
Budd?

Budd:
Bingo!

Elle Driver:
And to what do I owe this dubious pleasure?

Budd:
I just caught me the cowgirl that ain't never been caught.

Elle Driver:
Did you kill her?

Budd:
Well, not yet I ain't. I shot her full of rock salt. She's so gentle right now, I could perform a coup de grâce with a rock. Anyhow, guess what I'm holding in my hand right now.

Elle Driver:
What?

Budd:
A brand spanking new Hattori Hanzo sword. And I'm here to tell you, Elle, that's what I call sharp.

Elle Driver:
How much?

Budd:
Oh, that's hard to say, being that it's priceless and all.

Elle Driver:
What's the terms?

Budd:
You get your bony ass down here first thing in the morning, with a million dollars in folding cash, and I'll give you the greatest sword ever made by a man. How do you like the sound of that?

Elle Driver:
Sounds like we got a deal. One condition.

Budd:
What?

Elle Driver:
She must suffer to her last breath.

Budd:
[laughs] Well, that, Elle darling, I can pretty much damn well guarantee.

Elle Driver:
Then I'll see you in the morning … millionaire.

Bill:
[coming down the stairs after talking to Pai Mei] He'll accept you as his student.

The Bride:
What happened to you?

Bill:
[who has a bruise] Nothing.

The Bride:
Get in a fight?

Bill:
Friendly contest.

The Bride:
Why did he accept me?

Bill:
Because he's a very, very, very old man, and like all rotten bastards, when they become old, they get lonely. Which has no effect on their dispositions, but it does teach them the value of company.

[He throws her the baggage]

Bill:
Well, just seeing those steps again makes me ache. You're gonna have a lot of fun carrying buckets of water up and down that f***er.

The Bride:
When will I see you again?

Bill:
That's the name of my favorite soul song of the seventies.

The Bride:
What?

Bill:
Nothing. When he tells me you're done.

The Bride:
When do you think that might be?

Bill:
That, my dearest, depends entirely on you. Now, remember: no sarcasm, no backtalk. At least not for the first year or so. You're gonna have to let him warm up to you. He hates Caucasians, despises Americans, and has nothing but contempt for women, so in your case … it might take a little while. Adiós.

The Bride:
Master …

Pai Mei:
Your Mandarin is lousy. It causes my ears great discomfort. You bray like an ass! You are not to speak unless spoken to. Is it too much to hope … you understand Cantonese?

The Bride:
I speak Japanese very well …

Pai Mei:
I didn't ask if you speak Japanese … I asked if you understand Cantonese?

The Bride:
A little.

Pai Mei:
You are here to learn the mysteries of Kung Fu, not linguistics. If you can't understand me, I will communicate with you like I would a dog! When I yell, when I point, when I beat you with my stick! [strokes his beard] Bill is your master, is he not?

The Bride:
Yes, he is.

Pai Mei:
Your master tells me … you're not entirely unschooled. What training do you possess?

The Bride:
I am proficient in Tiger-Crane Style, and I am more than proficient in the exquisite art of the Samurai sword.

Pai Mei:
Hmph! The exquisite art of the Samurai sword. Don't make me laugh! Your so-called exquisite art is only fit for … Japanese fatheads! [laughs] Your anger amuses me. Do you believe you are my match?

The Bride:
No.

Pai Mei:
Are you aware I kill at will?

The Bride:
Yes.

Pai Mei:
Is it your wish to die?

The Bride:
No!

Pai Mei:
[laughs] Then you must be stupid … so stupid! Rise, and let me look at your ridiculous face. Rise. So, my pathetic friend … is there anything that you can do well? What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? Oh yes, you speak Japanese. [yells] I despise the goddamn Japs!

Budd:
So, which "R" you filled with?

Elle Driver:
What?

Budd:
They say the number one killer of old people is retirement. People got a job to do, they tend to live a little bit longer so they can do it. I've always figured that warriors and their enemies share the same relationship. So, now that you're not gonna have to face your enemy no more on the battlefield, which "R" you filled with? Relief … or regret?

Elle Driver:
A little bit of both.

Budd:
Horseshit. I'm sure you do feel a little bit of both. But I know damn well that you feel one more than you feel the other. And the question was, which one is it?

Elle Driver:
[pause] Regret.

The Bride:
I was wondering, just between us girls, what did you say to Pai Mei for him to snatch out your eye?

Elle Driver:
I called him a miserable old fool.

The Bride:
Ooh, bad idea.

Elle Driver:
You know what I did? I killed that miserable old fool. I poisoned his fishheads. And I told him, "To me the word of an old fool like you is worth less than nothing." That's right, I killed your master. And now I'm going to kill you, with your own sword, no less, which, in the very immediate future, will become my sword.

The Bride:
B*tch. You don't have a future.

Esteban Vihaio:
Being a fool for a woman such as yourself … is only the right thing to do. What were we talking about?

The Bride:
Bill. Where's Bill?

Esteban Vihaio:
Where's Bill? Yeah, hm … Bill is on the Villa Quatro, on the road to Salina. I will draw you a map. Bill is like a son to me. Do you know why I help you?

The Bride:
No.

Esteban Vihaio:
Because he would want me to.

The Bride:
Now, that I don't believe.

Esteban Vihaio:
Ah! How else is he going to see you again?

Bill:
Mommy is still angry at Daddy.

B.B.:
Why?

Bill:
Well, sweetie, I love Mommy, but I did to Mommy what you did to Emilio.

B.B.:
You stomped on Mommy?

Bill:
Worse. I shot Mommy. Not pretend shoot, like we were just doing. I shot her for real.

B.B.:
Why? Did you want to see what would happen?

Bill:
No, I knew what would happen to Mommy if I shot her. What I didn't know is, when I shot Mommy, what would happen to me.

B.B.:
What happened?

Bill:
I was very sad. And that was when I learned, some things, once you do, they can never be undone.

Bill:
I was just admiring your sword. Quite a piece of work. Speaking of which, how is Hanzo-san?

The Bride:
He's good.

Bill:
Has his sushi gotten any better?

[The Bride shakes her head]

Bill:
You know, I couldn't believe it. You got him to make you a sword.

The Bride:
It was easy. I just dropped your name, Bill.

Bill:
[chuckles] That'd do it.

Bill:
Now, when it comes to you, and us, I have a few unanswered questions. So, before this tale of bloody revenge reaches its climax, I'm going to ask you some questions, and I want you to tell me the truth. However, therein lies the dilemma. Because, when it comes to the subject of me, I believe you are truly and utterly incapable of telling the truth - especially to me, and least of all to yourself. And, when it comes to the subject of me, I am truly and utterly incapable of believing anything you say.

The Bride:
How do you suppose we solve this dilemma?

Bill:
Well! It just so happens I have a solution.

[He shoots The Bride with a dart filled with Truth Serum]

Bill:
As you know, I'm quite keen on comic books. Especially the ones about superheroes. I find the whole mythology surrounding superheroes fascinating. Take my favorite superhero, Superman. Not a great comic book. Not particularly well drawn. But the mythology … the mythology is not only great, it's unique.

The Bride:
[who still has a dart in her leg] How long does this sh*t take to go into effect?!

Bill:
About two minutes, just long enough for me to finish my point. Now, a staple of the superhero mythology is there's the superhero and there's the alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker. When that character wakes up in the morning, he's Peter Parker. He has to put on a costume to become Spider-Man. And it is in that characteristic Superman stands alone. Superman didn't become Superman. Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he's Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red "S", that's the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears - the glasses, the business suit - that's the costume. That's the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent? He's weak, he's unsure of himself, he's a coward. Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race. Sort of like Beatrix Kiddo and Mrs. Tommy Plympton.

The Bride:
Aso. The point emerges.

Bill:
You would've worn the costume of Arlene Plympton. But you were born Beatrix Kiddo. And every morning when you woke up, you'd still be Beatrix Kiddo. Oh, you can take the needle out.

The Bride:
[does so] Are you calling me a superhero?

Bill:
I'm calling you a killer! A natural born killer. You always have been, and you always will be. Moving to El Paso, working in a used record store, going to the movies with Tommy, clipping coupons. That's you … trying to disguise yourself as a worker bee. That's you trying to blend in with the hive. But you're not a worker bee. You're a renegade killer bee. And no matter how much beer you drank or barbecue you ate or how fat your ass got, nothing in the world would ever change that.

The Bride:
You and I have unfinished business.

Bill:
Baby, you ain't kidding.

Bill:
Pai Mei taught you the five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique?

The Bride:
Of course he did.

Bill:
Why didn't you tell me?

The Bride:
I don't know … because I'm a bad person.

Bill:
No. You're not a bad person. You're a terrific person. You're my favorite person. But every once in a while, you can be a real c*nt.

[The Bride laughs]

Bill:
How do I look?

The Bride:
You look ready.

[Gets up, turns, takes five steps and falls dead]

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

The bride is back for the final cut

Kill is love.

Back with a vengeance.

The whole thrilling tale is revealed.

[Beatrix finds a Hattori Hanzo sword in set of Budd's golf club. She grabs it and partially unsheathes it.]

The Bride:
To my brother, Budd, the only man I ever loved. Bill.

[Elle unsheathes The Bride's sword and is shocked to see her with a Hattori Hanzo sword.]

Elle Driver:
What's that?

The Bride:
Budd's Hanzo sword.

Elle Driver:
He said, he pawned it.

The Bride:
Guess that makes him a liar now, don't it. Elle?

Elle Driver:
Bea.

The Bride:
There's something I'm curious about, just between us girls. What did you say to Pai Mei to make him snatch out your eye?

[A flashback reveals Elle getting her left eye plucked out by Pai Mei as her punishment for her insolence in insulting him. She is seen screaming and covering her empty left eye socket.]

Elle Driver:
I called him a miserable, old fool.

The Bride:
Ooh, bad idea.

Elle Driver:
You know what I did? I killed that miserable, old fool.

[The Bride is shocked as another flashback occurred with Pai Mei choking on the fish heads containing poison in them.]

Elle Driver:
How do you like the fish heads you miserable, old fool? [Narrating] I poisoned his fish heads.

Pai Mei:
(in Cantonese) Elle, you treacherous dog, I gave you my word.

Elle Driver:
And I told him, "To me the word of an old fool like you is worth less than nothing."

[Pai Mei dies, the flashback ends and Elle laughs evilly.]

Elle Driver:
That's right! I killed your master. And now I'm going to kill you too -- with your own sword, no less. Which, in the very immediate future, will become...my sword.

The Bride:
B*tch. You don't have a future.