Killer Nerd

Receptionist:
Can I help you?

Harold Kunkle:
Yes! Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Life has given me lemons, and I'm going to make lemonade. I got a tiger by his tail and he's mean! I got a stiff upper lip and a tight ass.

Receptionist:
Uh-huh. Well what can I do for you?

Harold Kunkle:
Mother, how am I going to choke on pie?

Harold Kunkle:
[Singing to the song "looking Over a Four Leaf Clover"] I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover, the one I just hit with the mower! One leg is missing, the other is gone, the third one is splattered all over the lawn!

Harold Kunkle:
Roses are red, Violets are placid, you screwed me over, have a face full of acid!