King of Kensington

Gladys King:
I'm in pain here. I see two of everything - including you! For that alone, I should get the thousand bucks.

Jim Bacon:
Hey King, wonder why I'm taking these notes?

Larry King:
No.

Jim Bacon:
I'm taking these notes for the community center's Times. Wondering what that is?

Larry King:
No.

Jim Bacon:
It's the newspaper I'm starting! It's a perfect way to combine my literary leanings with my job! Also, it could mean big bucks!

Larry King:
Look, Jim, I've been up all night trying to finish this book. I've got four pages left to find out who did it.

Jim Bacon:
Sure. I estimate about twenty pages. "Jim Shorts." Get it? Gymnasium shorts! Sort of a gossip column and eh--

Larry King:
Jim?

Jim Bacon:
Yo!

Larry King:
Bug off.

Jim Bacon:
Hey, sure! You don't have to hit me over the head with a two by four.

Larry King:
[slams door in Jim's face]

Gwen Twining:
Mmm, nice sandwich, Flash. Your mommy make this?

Jack Soble:
I am a discriminating collector of rare and fine merchandise.

Gladys King:
He's a compulsive shopper. He wastes more money than the Canadian government

Larry King:
You're just going through a phase, all newly-weds do!

Gladys King:
Newlyweds? Our combined age is 130.

Gwen Twining:
If the good lord had intended for us to have wheels, he would've made us Volkswagens.

Jack Soble:
Ta da!

Gladys King:
I'm thrilled; what is it?

Jack Soble:
I'll give you a hint: It whips, peels, grates and grinds.

Gladys King:
An electric stripper?

Larry King:
Gwen, will you type up the daily schedule for me?

Gwen Twining:
Where are you going? You just got here.

Larry King:
I'm uh... just going somewhere to brush up on sex.

Gwen Twining:
Oh, they're not open this early.

Larry King:
I'm going to the library!

Gwen Twining:
Oh! Second floor, third aisle on the right. You'll recognize it by the guys in the long raincoats.

Gwen Twining:
Let me see those books. Sex and the Teenager. Sex and the Adolescent. Ooh, Sex and the Young Adult. To think, I wasted my youth reading Nancy Drew.

Larry King:
I've been out walking for a couple hours.

Gwen Twining:
I'm surprised the exercise didn't kill ya.

Larry King:
And I've been thinking.

Gwen Twining:
I'm surprised the exercise didn't kill ya.

Gwen Twining:
Look, Flash, I know you've got a point. But I can't quit! I tried when I was 17, I tried when I was 27, I tried when I was - It doesn't work.

Gwen Twining:
Cut down to 800 calories a day.

Larry King:
800 calories! Come on, my toothpaste is 800 calories.

Larry King:
I used to smoke.

Gwen Twining:
Oh.

Larry King:
Yep. Used to sit back like this, nice and relaxed. Strike up a cigarette and take a nice long drag, y'know. Inhale deeply...

Gwen Twining:
[trying to ignore him] Mmm.

Larry King:
...Blow the smoke out slowly. Slowly... And I'd watch the smoke drift up through my fingertips. Up into the air.

Gwen Twining:
[dreamily] Yeaaaah. There's nothin' like a cigarette. 'specially after a big juicy, stirloin steak. With mashed potatoes all smothered in butter. And then for dessert, a strawberry shortcake, so light and fluffy it just melts in your mouth.

Larry King:
[King gets up to leave]

Gwen Twining:
Hey, where you going?

Larry King:
To the bathroom!

Gwen Twining:
I bet he's got food stashed up there. Flash, I'm comin' with you!

Gwen Twining:
King, I'm gonna stick to you like peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Larry King:
Let me smell your breath.

Gwen Twining:
I beg your pardon.

Larry King:
You're too cheerful for someone who went the whole night without smoking.

Gwen Twining:
Yeah, well you're too cheerful for someone who went the whole night without eating, let me smell YOUR breath! [they breathe on one another]

Larry King:
You always have pizza for breakfast?

Gwen Twining:
No. I just wanted to drive ya up the wall.

Larry King:
[trying to set a friend up on a date] Hey, Dorothy! Long time no see. Say, Dorothy, I was wondering what you were doing tonight.

Gwen Twining:
No way, Flash!

Dorothy:
But Gwen -

Gwen Twining:
Honey, trust me. If this guy was a horse, they'd shoot him.

Gladys King:
[referring to the fight she had with Jack about a portrait] Larry, Jack and I just had a terrible fight about Rochelle.

Gwen Twining:
Ahem... Would you like to me to leave?

Gladys King:
No, it's all right

Gwen Twining:
Good, who's Rochelle?

Larry King:
My mother's husband's first wife

Gwen Twining:
[Gwen mouths words, trying to follow]

Gladys King:
Now I know I'm being possessive, but I just can't stand seeing her there with Lou!

Gwen Twining:
Lou who?

Larry King:
Her first husband, my first father

Gwen Twining:
[still confused, tries to keep up]

Gladys King:
I'd rather have it the other way, with Jack and Lou together. I could live with that. It's Rochelle who's runing our relationship. Every time I go up to the bedroom, she's there!

Gwen Twining:
[eyes widen]

Larry King:
Well, you know Rochelle means an awful lot to him.

Gladys King:
I know, but how can we find an arrangement that satisfies everyone?

Larry King:
Maybe you could talk Jack into keeping Rochelle in the basement.

Gwen Twining:
[looks amazed]

Gladys King:
Yeah... With her face to the wall! [exit]

Gwen Twining:
Better not take that nun to your house!

Florence Montgomery:
[referring to Gwen letting Larry apply for the same position] Now, Gwen, that was very big of you.

Gwen Twining:
Just call me Jumbo Gwen.

Larry King:
Honey, I'm home!

Gwen Twining:
[seductively] I've been cooking your favourite. Beef... on a bun.

Larry King:
Great. Any mail?

Larry King:
[imitating Lurleen] Oh, call me Larry, all my friends call me Larry. That's my name.

Gwen Twining:
Wanna wear this dress?

Larry King:
Danger, danger.

Gwen Twining:
Who gets Cosmopolitan around here?

Larry King:
Oh, Jim does. It's got more pictures of naked women in it than Playboy.

[repeated line]

Lurleen:
Danger, danger!