Ladykillers

Professor G.H. Dorr:
You, madam, are addressing a man, who is in fact quiet... and yet, not quiet, if I may offer to you a riddle.

Gawain MacSam:
You brought your b*tch to the Waffle Hut?

Gawain MacSam:
F*** you *and* the Swiss Miss!

Waffle Hut Waitress:
Have you all decided?

Professor G.H. Dorr:
Madam, we must have waffles! We must all have waffles forthwith! We must all think, and we must all have waffles, and think each and every one of us to the very best of his ability...

Marva Munson:
Sheriff, you got to hep that boy.

Sheriff Wyner:
You want me to hep him?

Marva Munson:
Extend that hepping hand.

Marva Munson:
Don't make me wanna go hippety-hop.

Professor G.H. Dorr:
I scarcely contain my glee.

Preacher:
I smite, you smite, he smites, we done smote!

Professor G.H. Dorr:
General, you are a Buddhist. Perhaps there is some "middle way" to solve this problem?

The General:
Must float like leaf on river of life... and kill old lady.

Marva Munson:
Niggas! Two thousand years after Jesus, thirty years after Martin Luther King, the age of Montel; sweet Lord of mercy is that where we at?

Marva Munson:
The apostle John said, "Behold, there is a stranger in our midst come to destroy us."

Professor G.H. Dorr:
And what; to flog a horse, that if not dead is at this point in mortal danger of expiring, does this little square represent?

Garth Pancake:
Do you know who the Freedom Riders were, MacSam?

Gawain MacSam:
No, and I don't give a f***. Just tell me when the f*** they gonna leave.

Gawain MacSam:
Would you tell this muthaf***a he can sew this sh*t back on? It's like that dude whose wife cut his dick off, threw it on the freeway? She just called Triple A, they towed the dick and sewed the muthaf***a back on. Listen up, jackass, I saw the muthaf***a in a porno, the thang still worked, it looked like a chewed-up frank, but that little muthaf***a be workin' that muthaf***a. It's mangly, but he be f***in' the b*tch all kind of ways with a twisted dick.

Marva Munson:
Now I want to know what's goin' on.

Professor G.H. Dorr:
Oh, indeed, indeed. The thirst for knowledge is a very commendable thing. Though I do believe that when you hear the explanation you shall laugh riotously, slappin' your knee and perhaps even wipin' away a giddy tear, relieved of your former concern. Lump here is an avid collector of Indian arrowheads, and having found one simply lying on your cellar floor - a particularly rare artifact of the Natchez tribe?

Lump Hudson:
Nats... what?

Professor G.H. Dorr:
He enlisted the entire ensemble in an all-out effort to sift through the subsoil in search of others. And apparently, in doing so, we hit a mother lode of natural gas. I myself became acutely aware of the smell of "rotten eggs." And it was just at this inopportune moment that the General here violated the cardinal rule of this house and lit himself a cigarette.

The General:
So sorry.

Marva Munson:
Well, what about all that money?

Professor G.H. Dorr:
Ah. The money. Well, the money is Mr. Pancake's.

Garth Pancake:
That's right.

Professor G.H. Dorr:
Who only just remortgaged his home in order to raise the money for a surgical procedure that will correct the wandering eye of his common-law wife, Mountain Water, who suffers from astigmia, strabismus and a general curdling of the vitreous jelly. Mr. Pancake is an ardent foe of the Federal Reserve, and is, in fact, one of those eccentrics one often reads about hoardin' his entire life savings, in Mr. Pancake's case, in a Hefty bag that is his constant companion. The Steel Sak.

Garth Pancake:
Don't trust the banks. Never have.

Professor G.H. Dorr:
Why, this is most irregular.

Garth Pancake:
Oh look at this, I got blueberry syrup on my safari jacket.

Garth Pancake:
Easiest thing in the world.

Sheriff Wyner:
Unh... Oh! Afternoon, Miss Munson.

Marva Munson:
Afternoon, Sheriff. You know the Funthes boy?

Marva Munson:
Pickles! Oh, Lord. Pickles!

Gawain MacSam:
Damn skippy!

Gawain MacSam:
Did you just fart, man?