Land of the Lost

Dr. Rick Marshall:
[after realizing he was right all along] Matt Lauer can suck it!

[Rick Marshall on the Today Show talking about his new scientific discovery]

Dr. Rick Marshall:
It boils down to two simple words.

Matt Lauer:
Renewable biofuels.

Dr. Rick Marshall:
Close. Time warps.

Will Stanton:
[on the rocks, to Rick] You ever get tired of being wrong?

Dr. Rick Marshall:
[being chased by the T-Rex] I do! I really do!

[first lines]

Astronaut:
Mission Control, come in. Mission Control, do you read?

Dr. Rick Marshall:
Captain Kirk's nipples!

Dr. Rick Marshall:
If you don't make it, it's your own damn "vault." That's a b*tch slap of truth right there.

Will Stanton:
[grabs cup in the shape of a woman's bust] This is a little travel mug I like to call the perfect woman. Big ole set of boobies- no head. And a handle.

Dr. Rick Marshall:
Thank God for that. That one was peering into my soul.

[Inside Dr. Marshall's office, there is knocking at the door]

Dr. Rick Marshall:
[groans]

Holly Cantrell:
Dr. Marshall? [Opens the door and sees Marshall lying on the floor surrounded by wrappers of junk food] Oh God! Are you alright? [Helps him up from the ground and lays him against a cabinet] Hey, up you get. Here, just lean against... [Struggling the keep him up, he spits out a piece of food from his mouth] Oh dear.

Dr. Rick Marshall:
I'm fine. I'm okay, I just... worked late. Then, I got hungry and I... had several meals and lapsed into a food coma. I've had issues with food in the past. I don't know, you know, just with the stress with everything I just over did it... but I'm in control. Now, I don't have to go back to Phoenix.

Holly Cantrell:
I just wanted, I wanted to um, come apologize for yesterday Michael. My behavior was just... [she stares in shock as finds Marshall's completely built Tachyon Amplifier]

Dr. Rick Marshall:
No, no, no.

Holly Cantrell:
You've finished the Tachyon Amplifier!

Dr. Rick Marshall:
No, no, I mean yes. I, I don't know, I finished building it, yes, but... I didn't have the nerve to test it out. So, I thought a trip to Arby's might give me some courage, but no dice. [Sticks an old fry in his mouth] Then, I hit Popeye's, Del Taco. 14,000 calories later, I found myself down at Subway... powering through a 12 inch veggie on whole wheat babbling to a cut-out of Jared. Still didn't give me the strength to turn that thing on. I'm a coward.

Holly Cantrell:
You are not a coward, you're a visionary. This is probably the greatest work of genius in the last hundred years. [Turns on the amplifier to the music of A Chorus Line singing I Hope I Get It; Turns it off] Is that A Chorus Line?

Dr. Rick Marshall:
It, it's left over data from the drive. What a piece of crap! [Slams foot against desk shaking the amplifier on for a second] The machine, I mean, not A Chorus Line. I love showtunes, they really tell the story of the human condition.

Holly Cantrell:
It's a bit gay.

Dr. Rick Marshall:
It IS great.

Enik:
Thank Vinok you've come to my aid, Rick Marshall.

Dr. Rick Marshall:
You know me?

Enik:
Of course. Even in the farthest reaches of the universe, we have seen your Matt Lauer video.

[Will and Holly can smell dinosaur dung on Rick]

Dr. Rick Marshall:
Would you grow up?

Holly Cantrell:
Oh, my God!

Dr. Rick Marshall:
Yes, he pooped me out!

Will Stanton:
And now you guys are friends?

Dr. Rick Marshall:
While I was snaking my way through his bowels, I don't know, I... I must have dislodged some sort of intestinal blockage. And, yes, he's in a much better mood now. So can we move on? I would really like to go home.

Will Stanton:
You were deuced out by a dinosaur. That is incredibly cool.

Dr. Rick Marshall:
I wrestled at Purdue.

Enik:
J.V.

Ernie:
Hey! Where's Will?

Dr. Rick Marshall:
He went to a better place.

Ernie:
You killed him?

Dr. Rick Marshall:
No.

Dr. Rick Marshall:
This is for you. I signed it.

[hands his book to Matt Lauer]

Dr. Rick Marshall:
You're supposed to say the title and the publisher.

Matt Lauer:
That's not gonna happen.

Dr. Rick Marshall:
Just say it.

Matt Lauer:
No.

Dr. Rick Marshall:
Just say the damn title.

Matt Lauer:
Fine.

[shows book to TV audience]

Matt Lauer:
'Matt Lauer Can Suck It' by Dr. Rick Marshall.

Dr. Rick Marshall:
I was so surprised that your attorney signed off on that. I was like, "Are you sure? Is this gonna be okay?" He said, "Yeah, go for it."

Matt Lauer:
Son of a b*tch.

Dr. Rick Marshall:
Well done. You just gave murderous primatives the power of fire!

[after Marshall storms off the stage of "Today"]

Matt Lauer:
That was my guest, Dr. Rick Marshall

Dr. Rick Marshall:
[offscreen] You're God damn right it was!

Matt Lauer:
His new book arrives tomorrow. You might want to look for it in the "I'm out of my freaking mind" department.

Holly Cantrell:
What are you eating?

Dr. Rick Marshall:
It's a donut stuffed with M&Ms. That way, when you've finished the donut, you don't have to eat any M&Ms.

Will Stanton:
I'm man enough to admit that's my bad.

Will Stanton:
[a pair of dinosaurs break a fight and focus on the group, Dr. Marshall having doused himself in Hadrosaur urine earlier] Well what do you know? This is one of those days when pouring piss on your head is a bad idea!

Dr. Rick Marshall:
It's beautiful! Ahhhhhhh...!

Dr. Rick Marshall:
[Upon seeing a pterosaur make off with the tachyon amplifier] Oh, that blows. That buh-lows.

Dr. Rick Marshall:
Field rations are running dangerously low. Thusly, I've made the determination that, if need be, if faced with starvation, we will cook and eat Chaka. I've been thinking about this a lot, actually. If Chaka meat were the secret ingredient on Iron Chef, I'm sure Bobby Flay would probably serve it with roasted red peppers and a dash of cumin and a braised polenta. It wouldn't be an easy thing to do, but if you slow roast the little guy, I'm sure that Chaka meat would just fall right off the bone.

move in a serpentine motion

Will Stanton:

"Check your movies people!"