Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector

Larry:
You're not gonna believe this, but there's a snow cone vendor out there not wearing a bra.

Amy Butlin:
Is that a violation?

Larry:
No, but it makes me want to get a snow cone.

Larry:
Hey, what's going on Donnie?

Donnie:
Hey, Larry. You wanna play?

Larry:
You know what? I can't. I'm late and I gotta get something to eat. My boss is a dickweed.

Donnie:
Dickweed. Dickweed. Dickweed!

Larry:
[after the dinner date, and Larry has to go to the bathroom. He then lets off a large amount of turds] Oh, Good Lord! Oh, Jesus Christ and his sheperds!

[lets off more of his turds into the toilet]

Jane Whitley:
Larry? Are you okay in there?

Larry:
[yelling] Oh, yeah! Everythin's alright!

[to himself]

Larry:
Oh, Good Lord!

[trying to get toilet paper, but it runs short]

Larry:
Oh, God! You gotta be kiddin' me!

[sees a wash rag on the sink, then grabs it, he then begins to wipe his rear-end]

Larry:
On one hand, Kid Rock wants to take me fishing. On the other, I have Jane, who's a real woman, who wants to get naked with me in a biblical way.

Jane Whitley:
Nice Rod, Larry.

Larry:
[to himself] She said "Rod."

Amy Butlin:
Damn it, I am a woman. I have breasts! They may not be especially large, but they're perky, and my nipples could cut glass!

Larry:
I drive alone. I inspect alone, sometimes I'll even have sex alone. But never on company time. That's my policy.

Larry:
You ever fart so hard your back cracks?

[after farting]

Larry:
Good Lord Jesus and Dale Earnhardt Jr., I am a dadgum time bomb.

Larry:
Hey, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl.

Amy Butlin:
After lunch today, he told me there was a brown snake playing peek-a-boo with his butthole. I aced Bio. I do not recall brown snakes.

Larry:
Ms. Macechelli was dilling his pickle

Jane Whitley:
Dilling his pickle?

Larry:
Chucking his corn.

Amy Butlin:
Chucking his corn?

Larry:
Trimming his tree.

Jane Whitley:
Trimming his tree?

Larry:
Branching his limb.

Amy Butlin:
Branching his limb?

Larry:
Oh, I can do this all day.

Larry:
That'll go down faster than a bottle of Vicodin at Courtney Love's house.

Larry:
She was so ugly, she coulda trick or treated over the telephone.

Larry:
He's going down faster than a bottle of vodka in Courtney Love's house.

Larry:
[Jane farts] Ooh, I bet that left a mark. [Jane farts louder] Sounds like you got something honking for the right of way.

Bart Tatlock:
The city is being sued for a damaged coccyx.

Larry:
[laughing]

Bart Tatlock:
You think this is funny?

Larry:
No. I am crying on the inside, okay.

Bart Tatlock:
Butlin!

Amy Butlin:
You called me in, sir?

Larry:
You gotta be kiddin' me. First I lose my promotion to the pissed off crippled feller that's only been here three weeks and now you expect me, a man of my tenure, to work with a dadgum boy?

Amy Butlin:
I'm Amy... Butlin.

Larry:
So your parents gave you a girly name to toughen you up? I like that.

Amy Butlin:
I've been, uh, very eager to be part of a collaboration ever since I graduated from the academy, I really want to get out on the field and prop...

Larry:
[farts loudly, interrupts Butlin, waves his hand to make sure the fart goes away and reaches for Butlin's hand, farts again]

Larry:
[to Butlin] You ever fart so loud your back cracks? [laughs]

Larry:
Oh man, I gotta get out of here. Lord Jesus and Dale Earnheardt, Jr, I'm a dadgum tickin' time bomb!

Amy Butlin:
That's my partner? Seriously?

Amy Butlin:
Larry, when are you gonna inspect your own health? We can't lose you to this. Last year, 2000, we lost your Momma and Poppa to that gravy injection tragedy. I don't want to lose you in the year 2001!

Larry:
It's alright honeysuckle. I will be a-okay, and then we will all be together once again, and maybe I'll install some cable. I am still doing the annual gravy injection this year, I gotta support my departed folks, you understand.

Dex Phartzhorny:
Larry, bad news. President Wang has got a couple terrorists on the line. They're talking about an attack in NYC in September this year, and they need you to disguise yourself as a health inspector to get on a flight and take down the terrorist first.

Larry:
Them yankees are too busy sucking on their coffees and looking at their cellphones to get serious about our freedoms, man, and I will give them terrorist taliban son's of b*tches what for! Nobody messes with the U.S.A! Hey terrorists, tonight the cable is free!

Larry:
You got enemies?

Chef Carmine:
I only have friends.

Amy:
Former employees that are mad at you?

Chef Carmine:
No!

Amy:
Ex-wives that want to make you suffer?

Chef Carmine:
No! Nobody! No!

Larry:
How about strippers that said you'd buy em' a new pair of titties cuz you said somethin' you shouldn't have said one night when you was drunk in a bar and then her boyfriend threatened to kill you so you had to change your phone number and even that didn't work.

Amy:
Larry!

Larry:
Well I'm just covering the bases.