Las Vegas

Danny:
It's not illegal to cheat a cheater.

[Delinda has been conned into buying counterfeit casino chips]

Danny:
Don't be so gullible next time.

Delinda:
Look who's talking. You thought that sleeping together meant I loved you.

Barnett:
Your boss and I go way back.

Big Ed:
Way back, huh? What are you, 12?

Mike Cannon:
Okay, the main air ducts lead to the central system. From there I can take any branch and drop into the lobby. It's about a 20-plus foot drop so... I'll probably break my leg - maybe both, but that's okay. This is good. This is a good plane. Somebody uh, give me a screwdriver.

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
I hate funerals. Pretending to mourn for someone you despise. Doesn't that bother you?

Delinda:
Not me, I like pretending.

Mary Connell:
Now that we know that Monica left it all to charity, I kinda feel like maybe she was just misunderstood.

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
Really? I feel like maybe she was just a b*tch.

Casey Manning:
I'll give you a million dollars.

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
A million dollars? You can take your million dollars and stick it up your butt.

Delinda:
Matt's really different. He's just so...

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
Blind.

Delinda:
I was gonna say warm, genuine and completely...

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
Without sight.

Polly Nguyen:
I say something about marriage, he flip out like time I put fist in bad place get stuck.

Delinda:
His ankle seems to be fine now.

Polly Nguyen:
Oh, kim-chee treatment always work. Also good for rough sex. And good for chlamydia! You ever have that? No? Discharge. Nasty.

Danny:
[to Mary's father after he upset her again] I told you last time I saw you, if you ever touched her again I'd kill you - and I will.

Mike Cannon:
For me to get close to a woman, there has to be an emotional connection.

Danny:
Oh, that's the gayest thing I've ever heard.

Danny:
[to Mary after she flirted with a guy to get him to help them] Brother? Can't you even pretend to be my wife?

Big Ed:
If that leg's not back in the middle of this table in 10 minutes I'm gonna b*tch slap every one of you so hard you're unborn children will come out well-behaved!

Big Ed:
Listen, if there is any trouble up there, let's keep these parties apart.

Danny:
What do you want me to do, crutch 'em? I could hit their fists with my face.

Big Ed:
Listen, if there isn't a prostetic leg on this table in ten minutes, I'm gonna bitchslap you all so hard that your unborn children will come out well behaved!

Ed Deline:
[about his photo in newspaper] You noticed Botox? Yeah, I love that stuff. I drink it.

Mary Connell:
[to Sam and Delinda] Hey, have you guys seen Danny?

Sam Marquez:
No, it's not my turn to watch him.

Sheryl:
Danny, I want you...

[pause]

[Danny & Mike look at each other]

Sheryl:
...to be Mr. July.

Jay:
You know what you need?

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
What?

Jay:
You need to get laid

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
You must be Delinda's friend

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
He's hot and he's dying. Of couse I did him.

Big Ed:
Well, at least he went out in style.

Martin:
You know it's like when Sonny was talking to his brother in "The Godfather".

Ed Deline:
Never saw it.

Martin:
Ed, it's a classic!

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
I make it a point to know about anyone that affects me.

Danny:
How do I affect you?

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
So far, a mild tingling sensation. I'm Sam.

Danny:
So, you'll be a Casino Hostess?

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
Yeah, OK.

Danny:
That's good.

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
Thanks.

Danny:
Good idea.

Monica Mancuso:
Come on, show some cleavage. It's a casino, not a convent.

Sam Marquez:
The sun always rises in the east, you always get hungry a half hour after you eat Chinese food and Mary Connell always loves Danny McCoy

Mary Connell:
[Mike is in the hospital with a concussion] Hey Mike how are ya?

Mike Cannon:
I feel like I got hit in the head with a 2 by 4. What happened?

Mary Connell:
You got hit in the head with a 2 by 4.

Nessa Holt:
[sarcastically] Two grown men fighting half naked in a toilet, that's not gay

Big Ed:
Listen, if these guys screw up, I'm going to take your corpse and beat them with it!

[closing lines]

Ed Deline:
[to sleeping Danny] I'll watch your back, son.

Delinda:
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Mary Connell:
D, I don't think anyone's ever thinking what you're thinking.

Mike Cannon:
It's not always about sex, Danny.

Danny McCoy:
Dude, you sound like a girl.

Mary Connell:
Are you sure this is gonna work?

Sam Marquez:
Your breasts can get you in anywhere.

[Polly talking to Mary about the spa's new massuer Travis]

Polly Nguyen:
You no hear? He provide special treatment.

Mary Connell:
Like some new kind of massage therapy?

Polly Nguyen:
No. Get them on table, you know, visit Forbidden City, let fingers do walking, shake hands with bald man in boat, whole nine yard!

Mary Connell:
He... he can't do that! [pause] Do they want him to?

Polly Nguyen:
Girls I see no look like victim, look like win LOTTO!

[after Sam gets amazing massage from Travis]

Polly Nguyen:
You finished with Travis?

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
Yeah.

Polly Nguyen:
He mow your lawn?

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
No. It was a great massage, but he didn't do anything inappropriate. I think he knows I work here.

Polly Nguyen:
No, he doesn't! I just heard two more hot chicks talk. First girl, two explosion! None for you too bad.

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
Doesn't make any sense. I was laying on the table. Naked. Me!

Polly Nguyen:
You want me touch you down there?

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
[considers it] No, no thanks.

Polly Nguyen:
Look on bright side. No have to fire him! Ok, I love you!

Fred Puterbaugh:
Two is a company, three is a party!

Fred Puterbaugh:
Oh, don't call me a millionaire.

Ed Deline:
You're not?

Fred Puterbaugh:
[sadly] No. [pause]

Fred Puterbaugh:
[smiles] I'm a billionaire.

Fred Puterbaugh:
[to Ed] A quarter of million dollars. But that's not my real present. My real present is [looks over his shoulder]

Fred Puterbaugh:
[whispering & smiling] I'm buying The Montecito.

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
Polly, one of my clients said you overcharged his wife for a bikini wax. Mrs. Abizon?

Polly Nguyen:
Sam, you see her before? She hairy like MAN. I have to go all the way around the corner clean basement. Have to use 35 strip, usually 7. I lift a sheet, look like jungle.

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
[Later, to Ed] Apparently she's a real Sasquatch down there.

Danny:
[watching the Wet T'Shirt contest] God, I love my job.

Mike Cannon:
More and more each day.

Danny, Mike Cannon:
[together] Damn!

Mike Cannon:
Oh, she's hot.

Danny:
Hotter than hot.

Mike Cannon:
Smoking.

Danny:
Firing.

Mike Cannon:
Somebody better cool me off.

[Mike and Danny get splashed with a glass of water and then the camera turns around to reveal Nessa, Sam, Delinda and Mary standing next to them. Nessa has an empty glass in her hand]

Mike Cannon:
That was a rhetorical comment.

Nessa Holt:
[sarcastically] Oops. My bad.

Mike Cannon:
Now I see why they call you the "Ice Queen"

Nessa Holt:
And now you see what it's like to be in a Wet T-Shirt contest.

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
Hey, why don't you get up on stage and show us ladies a little something?

Delinda:
Yeah, Mike, Why don't you shake a little booty up there?

Danny:
What. A guy can't comment on a pretty girl without getting ragged on?

Nessa Holt:
Ragged on?

Danny:
Okay, maybe that's the wrong choice of words.

Mary Connell:
You think?

Danny:
All I mean was that's a natural instinct for men to notice women who are -

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
- Well endowed?

Danny:
Yeah.

Danny:
Survival of the species depends on man's ability to be attracted to women who look like that.

Mike Cannon:
Danny, you should probably stop.

Danny:
What?

Mary Connell:
She's a he.

Danny, Mike Cannon:
[both] What?

Mary Connell:
Your smoking hot lady is a guy.

Mike Cannon:
Mary, that's not cool.

Delinda:
Mary could hook you guys up.

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
Yeah, a little threesome

Nessa Holt:
But would it be a threesome with a him-her? Isn't it more like a foursome?

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
Or a two-and-a-half "mensome."

Mike Cannon:
That's not funny

Nessa Holt, Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez, Delinda, Mary Connell:
[together] Yeah, it is.

Mike Cannon:
That's not funny at all.

Delinda:
Mary, she's not a guy

Mary Connell:
I know that.

Mary Connell:
But they don't.

Delinda:
You're bad.

Mary Connell:
Big Ed's daughter Danny? Never woman trying to piss-off her father Danny.

[Ed and Paulie watch Danny convince a bum to leave]

Ed Deline:
He did a good thing. We'd have had that 40 grand back in a New York second. Kid did the right thing.

Paulie:
Does this mean you're not still pissed at him?

Ed Deline:
What, are you nuts? I'm gonna kill him.

[Dana Barry and a Cowboy are having sex in an elevator]

Danny McCoy:
[outside of the elevator] I'm sorry to interrupt, Mrs. Barry, but there's a camera directly over you. We can see what you're doing.

Dana Barry:
I know.

Danny McCoy:
I'm sorry, but I'm in kind of a pickle.

Mary Connell:
Oh, you and your pickle are in a pickle, all right.

[Ed catches his daughter in bed with Danny]

Delinda Deline:
Hi, Daddy.

Danny McCoy:
[voice-over] Daddy?

Ed Deline:
[to his men] Out.

Danny McCoy:
[voice-over] Welcome to the worst day of my life.

Ed Deline:
Welcome to the family.

Danny McCoy:
What?

Ed Deline:
If I catch you looking at another girl, take a poison pill, 'cause I'll kill ya.

Ed Deline:
Hey, uh, you're not, uh...

Danny McCoy:
No, no, I swear.

Samantha 'Sam' Jane Marquez:
Don't worry, the only one he's doing is your daughter.

Big Ed:
[Delinda was fooled by counterfeit chips] You took chips that look like they were made by a zoo animal! How do you think that makes me look? A, good, or B, not so good?

Polly Nguyen:
I no want to go with you, Sam. Rather wipe butt with angry porcupine.

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
How much.

Polly Nguyen:
You say how much.

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
Five hundred.

Polly Nguyen:
No way, I make that in one hour give happy time to special client.

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
A thousand, come on.

Polly Nguyen:
Ok, two hour but then I have big cuticle disaster, take all day like foreskin on cave buffalo.

Polly Nguyen:
We be here all day, you told me ten minute. I going to punch you in the ovary.

[Leaving traffic school]

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
Oh thank God that's over.

Polly Nguyen:
Yeah, start to smell in there like butt crack in steam room.

Polly Nguyen:
[On being told by a female judge she must attend traffic court] Oh, no, preeze ma'am. I give you free wax. Mustache. You need.

Danny:
Don't worry ladies. Big Danny's in charge.

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
I would not like to be in your brain.

Delinda:
Yeah, it kinda gives me headaches sometimes.

Mary Connell:
Nice kitty.

Nessa Holt:
Mary?

Mary Connell:
Yes.

Nessa Holt:
Why is there a tiger in the hallway?

Mary Connell:
I... don't know.

Nessa Holt:
Should we do something?

Mary Connell:
You go right ahead. I'm perfectly content just standing here frozen.

Nessa Holt:
Okay.

Nessa Holt:
I think I peed myself.

Mary Connell:
Yeah, me too.

[Ed is beeing reprimanded while serving on a jury]

Judge:
Mr. Deline, if you don't put away that cell phone, you will be in contempt of court and will spend Valentine's Day in jail with a cellmate named "Bubba".

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
Also, Burt thinks that your breasts are lucky.

Mary Connell:
Why is everyone so fascinated by my breasts?

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
You're kidding, right?

Ed Deline:
Would either of you want me on the jury?

Mike Cannon, Danny McCoy:
Nah!

[Mike wants to borrow Ed's Aston Martin to impress someone]

Big Ed:
Is she hot?

Mike Cannon:
Who?

Big Ed:
OK, is *he*?

Mike Cannon:
No! *She*! Definitely, *she*.

Mary Connell:
[as Delinda and Mary are preparing to meet Sam's half-brother] I made a list of questions so we wouldn't forget to ask anything.

Delinda:
Good idea.

Mary Connell:
I divided it into three parts: the early years, puberty, and prison.

Delinda:
Sam was in prison?

Mary Connell:
Well, I just always assumed...

Delinda:
Yeah, me too.

Mary Connell:
So what's the brother like?

Delinda:
Well, he has no job, he's smokin' hot, and Sam hates him. Dibs!

Danny:
I have a boss that makes Attila the Hun look like Aunt Susie.

Yogi:
If you drink any more water, Polly, you're gonna throw up. Do you wanna throw up?

Polly Nguyen:
No, but it hotter than Rush Limbaugh scrotum in polyester pant!

Danny:
What is this?

Polly Nguyen:
Hot Yoga. Tell Delinda it make you bendy.

A.J. Cooper:
How long have you worked here, Polly?

Polly Nguyen:
Long enough to see plenty hot young girl turn into stinky old skunk.

A.J. Cooper:
Thank you for sharing.

Polly Nguyen:
Polly: Do we have appointment?

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
No, I wanted to see how my good friend is.

Polly Nguyen:
She chip nail bowling with new owner.

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
Oh, maybe I could play next time?

Polly Nguyen:
If you want be friend with Polly, suck up to tall handsome cowboy, it too late. He dumping me like first wife with pink part too big like Grand Canyon.

[Ed helps Danny to avoid a court trial]

Ed Deline:
I told you the system worked.

Danny McCoy:
The system or your system?

Mike Cannon:
Beware the full moon and it's light, People will party and in sight, Dogs who never did will suddenly bite, Murderers will kill this very night.

Nessa Holt:
Okay, here's to all those Cosmo-drinking, Cosmo-reading airheads

[clink glasses]

Nessa Holt, Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
Screw 'em.

Danny:
We slept together once!

Danny:
[Mary starts to cry] No that came out wrong...

Mary Connell:
Is that all it was to you, Danny? Did you just tell me you loved me to get me in bed?

Danny:
No Mary, I thought I'd never see you again after I had to tell you how I felt.

Danny:
You put me so high on a pedestal, if I ever fell off I'd never hit the ground

Mary Connell:
How many times did you save me from my father Danny?

Danny:
A few...

Mary Connell:
He never touched me again, you know.

Danny:
That's because you came and lived with us

Mary Connell:
No, it was because you beat the crap out of him, Danny.

Ed Deline:
And tell Warren I don't want another Akron!

Samantha 'Sam' Jane Marquez:
Why, what happened in Akron?

Ed Deline:
Unprofessional conduct.

Polly Nguyen:
Mani, pedi, waxing, always busy. Then I meet Chul Ho. He have good job. Make part for spa no one else make, very rich, and he hung like donkey. He use finger special way. Not regular place, not back door. In between. It feel so good. You want me show you?

Delinda:
Polly, do you have a minute?

Polly Nguyen:
Sure! Oh, Delinda look nice, breast perky, men like. Me like, too, you know.

Delinda:
Actually, I have a man-related question for you. I heard you just moved in with a guy?

Polly Nguyen:
Oh, Chul Ho! Sam tell you how he use finger, find V-Spot?

Delinda:
No. I was just wondering, I mean, Danny and I are sort of thinking about living together and, are you guys glad you did?

Polly Nguyen:
Oh, happy like clam. Bearded clam! That joke. But living with Chul Ho make tired, too. You know, hide salami every minute, do you like that?

Delinda:
Well I don't know about every minute.

Polly Nguyen:
I get home now so Chul Ho do Abraham Lincoln. You know, I play slave, he free me, his favorite!

Delinda:
Polly, what's wrong?

Polly Nguyen:
Oooooh, Polly sick! Feel terrible! Feel like get kick in uterus by donkey!

Frank:
I was gonna sit in your chair, but I figured it was rigged with some kind of ass-recognition sensor and I didn't want to set off alarms and blow myself up.

Frank:
You know this is gonna cost.

Ed Deline:
'Course it's going to cost. You think I expect this to come out of your pocket? What do you figure?

Frank:
200.

Ed Deline:
200? What, are you getting it off the back of a truck?

Frank:
That's thousand.

Ed Deline:
That's thousand? What, are you getting it from the Pentagon? This isn't a government job!

Ed Deline:
[referring to Frank's golfing] So this is how you spend your time now?

Frank:
No, I've taken up knitting. Give me a few weeks, I'll knit you a sweater that looks like it was bought in a store.

Tony Rago:
If this is just a friendly warning, why did you bring your muscle?

Frank:
I'm not the muscle!

Tony Rago:
Really? Then what are you?

Ed Deline:
He's my brother.

Tony Rago:
You don't look like brothers.

Frank:
We get that a lot.

Mike Cannon:
Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Danny:
...and apparently dies in Boston.

Danny:
It looks like a Etch-A-Scetch on acid.

Jimmie Johnson:
[about Delinda] That girl scares me.

Mary Connell:
That girl scares a lot of people.

Jillian Deline:
You know, Eddie, there are people that would question why we were married.

Big Ed:
Your mother doesn't count.

Polly:
I have lost the will to work.

Sam Marquez:
You're Korean.

Polly:
Hard to believe, I know.

Polly Nguyen:
After I find new boyfriend, I work, maybe six month.

Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez:
How about if I get Chul Ho back for you.

Polly Nguyen:
No way. He go to L.A., already look for better girlfriend with a tight booty bounce quarter off and big hooter, plastic.

[Danny is asking a very old woman about a 60-year-old murder. They found a body in this woman's flower garden. Her husband many years ago]

Lady - With Dead Guy in Backyard:
Oh, yes. Now I remember. We had a fight and I had to shoot him. I shoot him in the head two times.

Danny:
So, you're saying it was self defense?

Lady - With Dead Guy in Backyard:
Oh, no! I wanted to shoot him. He was not a very nice man.

Delinda:
You mean as in the big nas...

Mary Connell:
Sex, Delinda, yeah.

Marty:
Do you know why are divorces so expensive? Because they are worth it!

Polly Nguyen:
You so tense! Polly melt tension like butter on penis.

Polly Nguyen:
Sam would be very angry with me if you not let me give you special treatment.

Big Ed:
Yep.

Polly Nguyen:
Sam funny girl. Nice little butt. Good shape. You like little butt, Eddie?

Big Ed:
Oh yeah. [coughs]

Polly Nguyen:
Maybe we have a three way.

Big Ed:
Hmm?

Polly Nguyen:
You have nice toes. My boyfriend ugly toe, but he big like horse! [Holds up forearm with fist] I call him 'Meat'.

Big Ed:
Thanks for sharing, Polly.

Polly Nguyen:
Sometimes he bangy bangy bangy, you know my head banging against wall, hurt so good you know? [laughs]

Polly Nguyen:
Hey, outta my way, assbag!

[Pulled over by the police, and Polly is impersonating a pregnant woman rushing to the hospital]

Mike Cannon:
How fast were you going?

Danny:
Not that fast.

Polly Nguyen:
Not fast enough! I dilate eight centimeter. I look like a large mouth bass down there. [Makes a fish-mouth face]

"She so loose woman, it like throw hotdog down hallway"