Last Comic Standing

Gary Gulman:
I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.

Gary Gulman:
You know what, this is below me.

Ant:
At 6'6" everything's below you.

Jay Mohr:
When we come back we'll find out who is going to be performing first in the head-to-head. [beat] Who are we kidding? It's Gary Gulman!

Bonnie McFarlane:
I get called "sweetheart" a lot by guys. You know a lot of women take offense at that, but when you've been called "c*nt" enough times, it kind of takes the sting out of "sweetheart".

Tammy Pescatelli:
Hi, my names Tammy Pescatelli. Yeah, that's a Sicilian name, not all of us are in the mob. Some of us are in the witness protection program. Some of us are dead. Some of us are retired. I called my dad, I said dad I shot a pilot. He said hey, not over the phone. No, pops, a T.V. pilot. I don't care what airline he was from, I'm not going down just 'cause you get sloppy, go call me from a pay phone.

Gary Gulman:
Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.

Gary Gulman:
Look down the aisle, sugar cookie. Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker

John Heffron:
I'd ask about the middle kids but nobody cared about you anyway.

John Heffron:
"Dur, dur, dur" Not so !@#$!%& funny now, is it?

Jay Mohr:
I'm Ryan Seacrest.

Gary Gulman:
Oops, kids. I fell.

Gary Gulman:
[dressed as a mouse, trying to amuse little kids] Do you know my brother, Chuck E. Cheese?

Jay Mohr:
[as bird] How did I get hit?

Ralphie May:
Man, I've got forty pounds of underwear!

Cory:
I think the cowboy would be more comfortable if he had the construction worker and the Indian chief with him!

[Talking about Dat Phan]

Rich Vos:
He's just someone you wouldn't want to clone.

[about Dat's journal]

Dave Mordal:
That's the kind of thing that if you found in a bus station, the FBI would have to be notified.

Ralphie May:
[about Sean Kent in the first elimination round] I'm still trying to decide if he's a punk-ass b*tch, or a b*tch-ass punk.