Laverne & Shirley

Shirley Feeney:
Laverne! The only kinda parties we've ever been to are bring your own!

Laverne De Fazio:
I like bringin' my own... then I know what I'm gettin'.

Shirley Feeney:
Laverne...

Laverne De Fazio:
Hmm?

Shirley Feeney:
I just thought of something awful.

Laverne De Fazio:
What?

Shirley Feeney:
Some day, God willing, I'm gonna be a mother. And if my daughter comes to me and says, Mama, I want to go to this bachelor party and come outta this cake... what can I tell her?

Laverne De Fazio:
A lot more than most mothers!

Squiggy:
I woulda worn my tuxedo but my polo pony ate it!

Laverne De Fazio:
Ahhhh! I just said bet your buns to a nun!

Carmine Ragusa:
I once met Eddie Fisher!

Shirley Feeney:
Oh really? And just what was his excuse for breaking poor Debbie's heart?

Carmine Ragusa:
I don't really know. I gave him the towel, he gave me the quarter and that was it!

Rosie Greenbaum:
Shirley, is that the sexiest thing you have to wear?

Shirley Feeney:
Is there something wrong with this?

Rosie Greenbaum:
Shirley, Shirley, ya gotta advertise a little! Put the goods in the window! That's what Big Rosie does.

Laverne De Fazio:
Oh yeah? I always thought ya put 'em right out on the street.

Shirley Feeney:
Laverne, I'm telling you, flying is safer than driving! Nobody has ever crashed into a cloud!

Laverne De Fazio:
Yeah well nobody ever fell 40,000 feet from a DeSoto either.

Shirley Feeney:
What did you call that woman again?

Laverne De Fazio:
Banana-face.

Shirley Feeney:
People do not like to be called fruit!

Squiggy:
Hey, what's with all the tropical flora?

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
Didn't you used to date her?

Squiggy:
Nah, that was Teresa DeFluca.

Shirley Feeney:
I do NOT vo-dee-oh-doh-doh!

Laverne De Fazio:
You vo-dee-OH...

Rosie Greenbaum:
Usually, Mr. Gunther, it's the bimbo with the bucks!

Squiggy:
Wanda Titlebaum...

Squiggy:
Can we borrow your sheets?

Laverne De Fazio:
Oh God, no.

Shirley Feeney:
Why do you wanna borrow our sheets?

Squiggy:
Well, we have a couple of gorgeous chickaroonies coming over tonight for dinner and crackers, and we kind of like to get to first base with them.

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
We figure some clean sheets will bring 'em over the old goal line.

Laverne De Fazio:
What's the matter with your own sheets?

Squiggy:
They're hard. [Laverne and Shirley show shocked and disgusted reactions]

Laverne DeFazio:
Nutsy's a nun!

Laverne DeFazio:
I just said 'you bet your buns' to a nun! Does that count as a sin?

Shirley Feeney:
Lenny's still talking to Anne Marie.

Laverne DeFazio:
He's confessing, Shirl!

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
Then I cheated on a hygeine quiz in 9th grade but I don't know if it counts because I flunked. I think I'm good through 10th grade because I was out that year with ringworm.

Anne Marie:
I better go.

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
Oh you can't catch it from me now, I washed with that yellow soap.

Shirley Feeney:
We laughed at the same things now we laughed at in high school.

Laverne DeFazio:
Yeah we laughed because they're still funny.

Doctor:
Where's the uh...? [Referring, to the bathroom]

Laverne DeFazio:
The "uh", is right at the end, of the hall down there.

Laverne DeFazio:
Let's take a trip, Shirl. We never travel anymore. Let's go to Chad. Nobody ever goes to Chad anymore.

Shirley Feeney:
[yelling out the window] Laverne DeFazio is scared to drive! [walks away]

Laverne DeFazio:
[goes to the window] Shirley Feeney's middle name is Willamina! [walks away]

Shirley Feeney:
[goes to the window] Laverne DeFazio went to the prom with her cousin! [walks away]

Laverne DeFazio:
[goes to the window] Shirley Feeney stuffs her bra with socks!

Laverne DeFazio:
It's like some people have a fear of heights, or water, or the dark.

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman:
Well I know about that, Lenny's scared of all those things.

Laverne DeFazio:
Then you understand how I feel, right?

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
No because even I know how to drive!

Laverne DeFazio:
They don't hear you're Willamina, they don't hear that you stuff your bra with socks, all they hear is I can't drive.

Shirley Feeney:
[shouting out the window] Laverne DeFazio's not afraid to drive!

Laverne DeFazio:
[shouting out the window] Shirley Feeney doesn't stuff her bra with socks... anymore!

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
Hey, chicken fight!

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
Come back, go away, we're questioning dogs out here!

Shirley Feeney:
Sure glad I didn't tell Lenny and Squiggy about my poodle skirt.

Laverne DeFazio:
Well, you're supposed to take an interest in a guy's work.

Shirley Feeney:
Do they ever take an interest in ours?

Laverne DeFazio:
I'm not even interested in ours.

Shirley Feeney:
If you wanna meet women, why don't you just hang out in bars like the rest of the guys?

Man:
Hey, babycakes! I got plenty of dates, with women! I love 'em, they love me, but, uh... guys gotta make a living, huh?

Shirley Feeney:
Carmine and I have an understanding. I'm allowed to date other men and he's allowed to date ugly women.

Hector:
Looking for fun? Call KL5-9988. Ask for Laverne and Shurley.

Shirley Feeney:
Hello? Oh, it's you, you masher, you-...

Laverne DeFazio:
Hi there, hot stuff... no, that was my mother... yeah, that sounds like tons of fun... that, too... and that... and that... and that... yeah, yeah, uh, that sounds like a barrel of laughs, there, but, uh, uh, before we, y'know, uh, we gotta find out where you heard about us... hanh?... oh, I see, uh, well, thank you very much for that information, you nerdface, and by the way, creephead, all you said makes me sick, sick, sick, except possibly that third thing there.

Rosie Greenbaum:
Getting a little thick around the middle aren't ya, DeFazio?

Laverne DeFazio:
What was that, Jell-o thighs?

Shirley Feeney:
[to Laverne about Rosie] You're Shirley Temple, she's the Masonic Temple.

Shirley Feeney:
I'm not going here, do you know where this is?

Laverne DeFazio:
Where?

Shirley Feeney:
This is the Old Ramsdale Manor.

Laverne DeFazio:
So?

Shirley Feeney:
So it's haunted. My brothers warned me about that place when I was a little girl.

Laverne DeFazio:
Shirl, your brothers also warned you about petting and that didn't stop you.

Shirley Feeney:
This is different Laverne, my brothers used to whisper in my ear BEWARE THE LEGEND OF THE RAMSDALE HAIRY THING!

Laverne DeFazio:
Your brothers whispered awfully loud!

Shirley Feeney:
[sees a skull, screams] This person didn't leave here alive.

Laverne DeFazio:
Shirl, it's a knick-knack.

Shirley Feeney:
It's a skull!

Laverne DeFazio:
Does it have hair? Is it a hairy thing?

Shirley Feeney:
No.

Laverne DeFazio:
Then we're staying.

Laverne DeFazio:
[after they rip off the banister] We better put the railing back, we don't want to offend these people.

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
Yeah, these aren't people you want mad at you.

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
Well, girls. This is what we'd look like if we was handsome.

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman:
Very nice meeting you, Mrs. Feeney. You know you're Shirley's mom and to me that makes you kind of a sacred cow.

Rosie Greenbaum:
You think you got problems. You oughta try living with a proctologist. It ain't easy. My Ogden. He couldn't just be a dermatologist. No. He had to follow a dream.

Shirley Feeney:
Well maybe Nathan the Greek is a nice loan shark.

Laverne DeFazio:
Shirl, a nice loan shark? Think about it, are they called loan bunnies? Loan guppies? No, loan sharks, they bite your face off.

Laverne DeFazio:
Come on, Pop, you should talk to me, we ARE related.

Frank DeFazio:
Alright, let's talk, WHEN are you getting married?

Laverne DeFazio:
Goodnight, Pop.

Shirley Feeney:
What's that?

Frank DeFazio:
It's a 100 year old bottle of wine I'm saving for Laverne's wedding.

Shirley Feeney:
I hope we all get to try it soon.

Frank DeFazio:
From your mouth to God's ear.

Laverne DeFazio:
Boy I really like eating Chinese food with these chopsticks. [uses them like two forks]

Shirley Feeney:
If you had fallen down at the Pizza Bowl, would you run in the bathroom and hide?

Laverne DeFazio:
No, I'd do this [hits herself in the head] and everybody would laugh.

Shirley Feeney:
So how's this different than falling at the Pizza Bowl?

Laverne DeFazio:
Because when those people out there laugh at me, they think I'm riffraff.

Shirley Feeney:
Do you think they're more important than the people at the Pizza Bowl?

Laverne DeFazio:
No but...

Shirley Feeney:
Are they more important than me?

Laverne DeFazio:
No but...

Shirley Feeney:
Are they more important than your father?

Laverne DeFazio:
No but...

Shirley Feeney:
Oh but but but.

Shirley Feeney:
[Laverne's embarrassed to go back out to the ball room, Shirley's dressed in blue jeans and a sweatshirt jacket] Look at me, Laverne, do *I* look like I belong at the debutante ball? Noooooo, but I'm here, and I'm going to go back out the same way I came in.

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman:
I've already totaled two trucks, squashed Booboo Kitty, and I ain't even got out of the living room yet!

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
[Squiggy's drunk] You smell like you work in a brewery.

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman:
I smell like I *did* work in a brewery.

Shirley Feeney:
[Laverne's brought in a tricycle and scooter for a visual aid to Squiggy's test question] Since Laverne forgot to get *me* a vehicle, I'll be a pedestrian, and I'm taking Booboo Kitty to the vet.

Carmine 'The Big Ragoo' Ragusa:
[chopping vegetables while Shirley talks him into hiring Squiggy, tearing up] Alright, I'll do it!

Shirley Feeney:
You don't have to cry about it.

Carmine 'The Big Ragoo' Ragusa:
I'm not, here's your onions!

Carmine 'The Big Ragoo' Ragusa:
[teary eyed, about to offer Squiggy a job] Squiggy...

Shirley Feeney:
He's been chopping onions.

Carmine 'The Big Ragoo' Ragusa:
No these are real.

Shirley Feeney:
Any woman that could run that obstacle course in 40 seconds would have to be a freak of nature.

Laverne DeFazio:
I just did it!

Frank DeFazio:
From now on I'm sticking to punching and yelling!

Shirley Feeney:
I'm stuck up here and I can't get down, come get me!

Laverne DeFazio:
Nobody ever got stuck on a rope!

Shirley Feeney:
You were always great at those athletic things like running and jumping and scraping your knees. I was never good at that stuff.

Laverne DeFazio:
That's because you hated scabs.

Shirley Feeney:
I didn't hate them, my family didn't allow me to have them. I wanted to have scabs!

Capt. Schmidt:
I told you this was a bad idea, Schmidt, dames should stay barefoot and pregnant.

Laverne DeFazio:
Barefoot and pregnant huh? [hands him hers and Shirley's purses] I'll show you barefoot and pregnant! [runs the entire obstacle course in 37 seconds]

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman:
Mrs. Squiggman.

Shirley Feeney:
Don't ever call me that!

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman:
Why not?

Shirley Feeney:
Let me put it to you this way. If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, the human race would die out.

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman:
We could always adopt.

Laverne DeFazio:
[straddling a large stuffed elephant] Sabu the Jungle Boy!

Laverne DeFazio:
[in the toy store] This reminds me of when Shirley Temple spent Christmas morning at that rich girl's house in 'Heidi'.

Shirley Feeney:
[imitating Shirley Temple] Grandfather! Grandfather! I want to stay with you!

Shirley Feeney:
[discussing one of Shirley's relatives who was fine for six months after an accident and then relapsed] She couldn't perform any of her wifely duties.

Carmine 'The Big Ragoo' Ragusa:
Oh, cooking and cleaning?

Laverne DeFazio:
[getting what Shirley means] Not at all?

Shirley Feeney:
Zilcho.

Laverne DeFazio:
No wonder they're always so cranky.

Carmine 'The Big Ragoo' Ragusa:
Oh! THOSE wifely duties! I get it now, I didn't before.

Laverne DeFazio:
[to the judge] So this is the system. That lawyer over there goes twisting everything around to make my friend say things she doesn't even mean. And this... tubby, the guy who's supposed to be defending ME, tries to get me to come up here and lie. Well I won't do it, I told the truth. And if this is how the system works, the system stinks.

Laverne DeFazio:
[about Miss Babish] I don't think we should give her a hard time right now. Her daughter Amy is visiting this weekend.

Shirley Feeney:
Oh Amy.

Laverne DeFazio:
Yeah the uh...

Shirley Feeney:
Retarded girl. Remember that time we met her on the stupe?

Laverne DeFazio:
Yeah, she doesn't get to leave that special school that much.

Shirley Feeney:
It's rough boy, 18 years old and she can only be in the 8th grade.

Amy Babish:
I'm having a good time, Uncle Frank.

Frank DeFazio:
I'm glad, I'm glad, you're a big girl, you should have a good time. [to Lenny] You lay one finger on her and I'm gonna break you.

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
It's a deal.

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman:
She's a retard, a dummy!

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
[Amy cries and runs out of the Pizza Bowl] Amy! [grabs Squiggy] You know who the dummy is? YOU ARE! [shoves Squiggy against a table and knocks it down]

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman:
[enters dressed in a kilt, an elf's hat and green stockings] Hoy there! Hello lads and lasses and children in the sea, I have come to pick your baloney stones.

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
[Amy gives him the letter her mother wrote her] 'Amy, lock yourself in the'... what's this word?

Amy Babish:
Bed-room.

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
She makes funny B's. 'Tell Lenny he should go, don't let him touch you.' Your mother thinks I'm going to hurt you.

Amy Babish:
But I don't.

Laverne DeFazio:
Hey Squiggy, do you know the Purple Fiends?

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman:
Know 'em? They beat me up three times.

Shirley Feeney:
[to Carmine] You do a pretty mean Irish jig for an Italian.

Laverne DeFazio:
Thank you.

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
I think maybe I'll drift back up to my apartment then.

Laverne DeFazio:
Aren't you going to stick around for the shenannigans?

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
No I think I had enough Irish food for one day.

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
[looking at Squiggy's leprechaun costume with a kilt, a green elf's hat, green stockings and a green jacket with curled coat tails] Boy don't you look sensational?

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman:
Yeah yeah, I would'a got you one but they didn't have a leprechaun costume in a 42 Husky.

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
You're not still upset about what Squiggy said, are you? Because he doesn't know nothing, he doesn't mean nothing.

Amy Babish:
He's right, I am a dummy.

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski:
Don't say that. Now me, I've been around dummies all my life.

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman:
[to Laverne] I got hit with a lamp that looked just like your father!