Lee Evans: Live from the West End

Lee Evans:
Bees. They don't know they've even got a f***in' sting. It's like *buzzes*, it's a twat with a shotgun!

Lee Evans:
My wife, she is a beautiful woman, but in labour she turned into f***ing Jack Nichloson from The Shining. "You. You f***ing did this to me!", "But I thought it was a shared experience", "No. You f***ing did this!"

Lee Evans:
They'll drop a cage into the water, and the shark'll be like, 'what you doin' down 'ere. What you f***in' doin' down 'ere?', and they'll get a bit of meat on a stick, and go 'Oy! Wanker! Bleurgh!'