Lee Evans: Wired and Wonderful - Live at Wembley

Lee Evans:
Why do we always have the wrong number? You might have the wrong f***ing house!

Lee Evans:
I said to my wife 'If I ever get like that ya know mumbling to myself and sh*tting my pants shoot me' she said 'f*cking run monkey boy'

Lee Evans:
Oy haven't old people got big ears?

Lee Evans:
God old people on coaches! F*ck they go past you at light speed! You can see their faces all up the back window!

Lee Evans:
All blokes get to that stage when they get bigger than their dad, like fourteen/fifteen, and he can't hit you no more. And he's like 'go to your room!', and your like

Lee Evans:
"Nah! F***ing nah dad!

Lee Evans:
things are gonna change around 'ere." Now he didn't hit me, but it took a team of surgeons to remove that fag from my arse.

Lee Evans:
My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't f***ing know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!

Lee Evans:
We used to do stuff, we were nuts. Like lick a battery. What the f*** was that? You used to be like, "John! John! Watch!"

Lee Evans:
"F***, you just had a stroke", "I know!", "Do it again!", "I was gonna!"

Lee Evans:
The Great British seagulls, they are f***ing huge! You see 'em with feathers rolled up, f***ing tattoos. There's always one with a gammy leg. They're on mobile's now. It's like, "Chips, chips, two o' clock." They come up to you and are like, "Oy! Monkey Boy! Giz a f***in' chip!"

Lee Evans:
At school they made you do stuff, like swim in your pyjamas, what the hell point was that? You'll be asleep. Someone comes up to you and goes, "Somebody's drowning!". You'll be like, "I don't give a f***. I was havin' a lovely dream."

Lee Evans:
I actually spent four days in my hotel room 'cause I closed the door and there was a sign on the door saying "Do Not Disturb" and I thought, "F*** I can't get out!"... In my cupboard was a blanket and a pillow, that was the worst night's sleep I've ever f***ing had... and the Corby trouser press, don't it hurt your legs!

Lee Evans:
I tried water polo and my horse drowned... that was a nightmare.

Lee Evans:
This bloke... I swear he's in any supermarket car park, he's great. He walks across the car park and he's got one of those fobs and he opens his car before he gets there.

Lee Evans:
"Ha ha ha! I don't know if you saw what I just did there, but I actually opened my car door before I actually physically got there!" TWAT!

Lee Evans:
Old people can't fall asleep in their chair in peace. As soon as they start to nod off you go, "Nan! Nan!" They go, "What? What?" "Oh sorry we thought you'd just di..."

Lee Evans:
Getting lost is the worst thing in the world, especially if you're with your wife. That's the nightmare. If you get lost with your wife you know it's gonna be a nightmare. Because you know when you hand your wife the map and you except her to turn into the Lombard rally with the helmet and goggles going, "Go! Go! Go! Left, right, straight ahead!" But they don't, you hand your wife the map and she'll go, "Where are we now?" "That's why I gave you the f***ing map!" "All right, all right! You got us lost! Christopher f***ing Columbus!" They then go, "Oh look, they have a Woolworths!" You f***ing...

Lee Evans:
You'll say to my goldfish, "Sleep!" and it'll go, "I CAN'T! I GOT NO F***ING EYELIDS! I'M NAKED!"