Less Than Perfect

Claude Casey:
Easy as pie, which by the way, when done right... not so easy!

Lydia:
No one thinks I'm funny. I think I'm *so* funny.

Lydia Weston:
She gets two men and I... am... talking to myself.

Owen:
Now this really steams my broccoli.

[Claude thinks she's going on a date with Will ]

Claude Casey:
Can I pull of mysterious and perky? Keep in mind, I will be wearing different shoes.

Ramona:
Listen, don't do this. You are na?ve and gullible and he will take advantage of you.

Claude Casey:
God, I hope so.

Claude's mom:
He is a lamb! An absolute deer!

Claude Casey:
Yeah, he's an entire petting zoo, Mom.

Ramona:
It feels like your parents were just here.

Claude Casey:
That's because... they were.

Claude Casey:
All those hurtful things they said, you can't take them personally. Some of them they've used before, like, "You should be ashamed of yourself, young man," which is nearly a rip off of, "You should be ashamed of yourself, young lady!" Which was the theme of Mothers Day 1994.

Lydia:
Your scent is supposed to linger, not change global weather patterns.

Claude Casey:
Lydia says crinkly bags and parties don't mix.

Ramona Platt:
Lydia *is* a crinkly bag.

Ramona:
[Lydia pushes past Ramona in the lunch hall] Hey, there is a line!

Lydia:
And I think you crossed it with that outfit!

Owen:
If you don't focus... baby will never get out of that corner, you know what I'm saying? I think you do.

Kipp:
I am not here to be CHALLENGED, I'm just trying to HELP you.

Kipp:
Hurry! Quick, quick, quick quick, quick!

Lydia:
Oh my God! Are they coming?

Kipp:
No, it's just really creepy down here, somebody brought a lunch from home!

Kipp:
Sorry to interrupt the Algonquin Round Table, but isn't this the kind of game you play in a Mexican prison?

Owen:
No, what you're thinking of is Pentelonian's 'Caliente.' Which is fun but really there are no winners.

Lydia:
You'd think she rode into work on a donkey.

Claude Casey:
Just back off! He's *mine*!

[Claude turns and plants one on Kipp, Kipp's date walks off, Kipp looks truly horrified]

Claude Casey:
Walk it off. J-J-Just walk it off! That's what I'm gonna do!

Lydia:
Wait, Kipp, what if this really is our last moment alive?

Kipp:
Then I should take some stuff off my computer.

Lydia Weston:
Hey, what's wrong with Kipp?

Carl Monari:
I was just playing with him and I think I broke him.

Lydia:
[to Kipp] My hair looks too good for me to be standing here talking to you.

Kipp:
Claude...

Claude Casey:
You're welcome, Kipp.

Kipp:
I was going to say: could I borrow $10 for lunch?

Lydia:
We need to have a beautiful, intimate, one-of-a-kind first date story that will make other women say, "God, I hate her."

Jeb Denton:
You really think you need a story for that?

Kipp:
Luke. Luke warm. Luke a hazard.

Luke:
Are you going anywhere with this plays off the name Luke thing?

Kipp:
There was a really big finish but I forget it.

Owen:
Sorry I'm late I was busy last night. Damn Book Club!

Ramona:
You know, I don't get how every week you manage to make a bunch of little-old ladies wanna kill you.

Owen:
Well we were supposed to read a book by Stephen Hawking, and I missed the 'haw' part, and read a book by Stephen King. If I hadn't brought in those little hard candies I wouldn't have gotten ought of there alive.

[at a line]

Kipp Steadman:
Hey Claude, could you not walk so close to me? People might think we're friends.

Claude Casey:
[Giggling] Oh no, Kipp, no. Nobody thinks you have friends.

Claude Casey:
So. You and Jeb are like two peas in a pod.

Will Butler:
He was not a good hire.

Claude Casey:
What? I thought that you liked him.

Will Butler:
Not anymore. Did you hear his boat caught on fire?

Claude Casey:
Well, that's terrible. I don't know that's necessarily a character flaw.

Will Butler:
Everybody knows it's my thing to talk about boat problems.

Claude Casey:
Well... hey! Maybe you'll get lucky and your boat will sink.

Will Butler:
Oh, Claude. You always know how to cheer me up.

[It's Valentine's Day and the cafeteria shows it]

Kipp:
Isn't there a single sausage patty that isn't shaped like a heart?

Lydia:
I know. Why does the cafeteria have to recognize this particular holiday? It's not like every Fourth of July they blow the food up.

[the cafeteria is all decorated for Valentine's Day]

Claude Casey:
Isn't it romantic? It's Valentine's Day.

Lydia:
[sarcastically] Really?

Lydia:
If you're so damn smart why are you working for a florist?

Kipp:
Hey, is that Owen with a girl?

Lydia:
Oh my God, it is.

[pause]

Lydia:
Should we go and help her?

Lydia:
So, what, are you and your boyfriend doing something sickeningly sweet today?

Claude Casey:
Well, we would have, but Charlie had to drive his grandfather's El Camino down to Florida. But, he did send me a dozen beautiful red roses.

Lydia:
Yeah, well, I'm sure they came from one of I-95's *finer* rest-stops.