Let's Make Love

Milton Berle:
Y'know, between comedians and singers, women always go for singers.

Bing Crosby:
[moves his hand in a sweeping motion] Ya see, that's showmanship. Keeps her mind off your voice.

Gene Kelly:
You see, a dancer expresses with his body what an actor does with words. It's not just the feet.

Jean-Marc Clement:
You don't hold your liquor very well.

Alexander Coffman:
It's not leaking out anyplace.

Narrator:
Jean-Marc bought a balloon factory and prospered. He was a completely dedicated man - interested in balloons of every kind. He died in 1777 leaving well over 300,000 francs. The cause of death was listed as, uh, excessive interest in balloons.

Narrator:
He left millions and was the first Clement to die vertically.

Jean-Marc Clement:
Time is money and I don't like to waste either.

Amanda Dell:
[jazz number] My name is... Lolita... and uh... I'm not supposed to... play... with boys!

Amanda Dell:
[song] If I invite a boy some night to dine on my fine finnan haddie, I just adore his asking for more but my heart belongs to Daddy.

Amanda Dell:
You're really French, aren't you?

Jean-Marc Clement:
Yes. Very much so.

Jean-Marc Clement:
How do people in show business look?

Amanda Dell:
They don't. I mean, a girl can walk around backstage with nothing on except her good will and nobody'll even turn his head. The same girl, fully dressed, walks down an aisle of clerks in an office - pinched black and blue. What's the matter with you people, anyway?

Tony Danton:
[singing] Love is a many splintered thing.

Amanda Dell:
You meshugana!

Tony Danton:
[song] I got a father to support, a mother to support, a lazy loafin' good for nothin' brother to support.

Charlie Lamont:
New is easy. Funny is hard.

Jean-Marc Clement:
You don't have to worry about the bracelet, though. Just put Vaseline on your wrist every night. Don't skimp. A thick layer of Vaseline.

Lily Nyles:
Vaseline? Why?

Jean-Marc Clement:
It'll keep your wrist from peeling.

Jean-Marc Clement:
You must be pretty tired. How many times did you go through that dance today?

Amanda Dell:
Oh, I lost count. Matter of fact, sometimes I even trot home afterwards. You sleep better. You ever trot?

Jean-Marc Clement:
I'm just thinking.

Amanda Dell:
About what?

Jean-Marc Clement:
About how happy you are.

Amanda Dell:
Me? Happy?

Jean-Marc Clement:
Mmm-hmm. You seem able to forget yourself. That's the way you dance, and you walk in the street that way, too. You seem at home wherever you are. It must be a great feeling.

Jean-Marc Clement:
Now don't tell me I am buying your approval... I am.

George Welch:
Oohh... there'll be children... lots of children. Coffman, there's a bonus in this for you if they get married - and double if there's a baby - a boy.

Alexander Coffman:
I'll do whatever I can, sir.

Tony Danton:
[musical number] They've each a trait that seems to state 'first-raters'

Amanda Dell:
Which separates them from the small per-tat-ers.

Jean-Marc Clement:
Show me what I can do with a woman.

Milton Berle:
After what I read about you, I'm sure that you could show me.

[Milton Berle approaches Jean-Marc, acting feminine, comedically]

Jean-Marc Clement:
And fourteen million Americans call you "Uncle?"

Tony Danton:
[song] Oh, the gentle art of conversation is deader than the dead sea scrolls. We've become the mutest kind of nation. We're un-communicating souls. No one talks. No one talks. It's something we seldom ever do. No one talks. No one talks.

Amanda Dell:
No one talks but... you.

Amanda Dell:
[musical number] No, don't turn TV on. Instead just turn me on. I light up like neon. Just a tiny section of your affection in my direction will do. Ooh.

Amanda Dell:
Listen. There used to be an actor. He played Abraham Lincoln for so many years - this is true - he grew his own beard. He went around in a shawl and you know what they used to say? 'He looks like Lincoln. He talks like Lincoln. But he won't be satisfied till he gets shot!'

Amanda Dell:
Charm him? I could murder him!

Amanda Dell:
The least you could have done is tell me who you are!

Jean-Marc Clement:
I did tell you.

Amanda Dell:
How did you expect me to believe it?

Jean-Marc Clement:
Because it was true.

Amanda Dell:
That's no excuse!

Amanda Dell:
Will they be surprised at night school!

Narrator:
Jean-Marc Clement was a farmer, but not a very good one. Contemporaries state that with fertile land and plenty of water he couldn't grow mud, but he didn't have to. While hoeing for potatoes, he found a chest of gold. This is thought to be the origin of the phrase "lots of potatoes."

George Welch:
I've known for a long time that something like this was bound to happen. All those women you take out in public, this is the result.

Jean-Marc Clement:
I'm not anxious to take them out in public, George. They won't stay indoors.

Jean-Marc Clement:
Please, will you call me a taxi?

Street Sweeper:
Sure. You're a taxi. The guy who calls the taxis will be back in ten minutes. I only park the cars.

Jean-Marc Clement:
I want to see the manager.

Street Sweeper:
Come back in three months. Maybe he'll be out by then - with good behavior.

Alexander Coffman:
You know, somebody once said that rich people are only poor people with money. Well, he was lying. Rich people aren't people, my friend. Oh, they can be charming, democratic, polite. You can hardly tell them from the human beings sometimes. Just be good and sure you don't cross them.

George Welch:
Now, um... may I speak frankly?

Oliver Burton:
Go right ahead.

George Welch:
Thank you. You know, I've been horse-trading across the desk like this for the last thirty years, and in all that time I don't think I've ever come across anyone quite as bad at it as you. You're just awful.

Oliver Burton:
I beg your pardon.

George Welch:
And let me give you a sample of frankness: Not only AREN'T you fully financed, Mr. Burton, but you're faced with having to get together a year's theater rent in advance. You foolishly... you foolishly mortgaged your home and you can't raise any more money, and if I were to wait another ten days I could pick up your theater for nothing and probably your house as well. That's frankness. Please, close your mouth, young man.

Bing Crosby:
Oh, that's reeking with sex, believe me.

Bing Crosby:
Can you whistle?

Jean-Marc Clement:
Yes, it's, uh...

Bing Crosby:
It might be too tricky. Might summon a lot of wildfowl, I guess.

Jean-Marc Clement:
I've never met such a difficult girl to feed.