Lewis Black: Red, White and Screwed

Lewis Black:
[in regards to not using "bad language"] Because when you say "sh*t", it makes them cry. "Why didn't he say 'poopie'? Whhhhhyyyyy didn't he say 'poopie'?"

Lewis Black:
[referring to speaking at an event George W. Bush would attend] He's the president, the leader of the free world, and I am shmucky the clown! You mean to tell me, I would say something, and he would laugh so hard, his head would start spinning, he'd start spitting up, then he'd get up and run around saying ''Holy f***! Get the meat! Would somebody please get the meat?'' Look, he's in the audience, he's biting democrats!

Lewis Black:
Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, "Fossil." And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads.

Lewis Black:
There are people who believe that humans dinosaurs co-existed, that they roamed the Earth at the same time. There are museums that children go to, in which they build dioramas to show them this. And what this is, purely and simply, is a clinical psychotic reaction. They are crazy. They are stone-cold-f*** nuts. I can't be kind about this, because these people are watching The Flinstones as if it were a documentary.

Lewis Black:
[referring to Rick Santorum calling gays a "threat to the american family"] It's prejudice, and it's ignorance, on a level that is staggering at this point in time. But, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there's a group of gay bandidos. They travel from village to dell. And as night falls, they travel to that cul-de-sac, where only one house stands. And in the window, you see a family, just setting down to their evening meal. And these queers... these queers... don their black hoods, and matching pumps, very tasteful. Sneak up to the house ever so slightly, open the door, and start... F***ING EACH OTHER IN THE ASS! AND ANOTHER AMERICAN FAMILY... IS DESTROYED!

Lewis Black:
"Equestrian," by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought "Brokeback Mountain" should have been called "Two Equestrians."

Lewis Black:
[Referring to the types of hunting clubs Dick Cheney and his friends frequent] They've turned a petting zoo into Auschwitz!