Life's Work

Lisa:
Just 'cause I have a family, it doesn't mean I'm tied down... unless it's my birthday! I still rock 'n roll all night and party every... so often!

Kevin:
I think it's time for a new car, Lis.

Lisa:
Why? This is a great car! So what if the doors won't open and we need a rock to park uphill?

Kevin:
At the risk of associating my car with my manhood, I want a big one that works!

Lisa:
Do you know hom long it took me to get ready tonight? TWO HOURS! Used to be I'd slap on some lip-smacker, five minutes I'm out the door. Now I've got to start with an undercoat of foundation, then primer, then sealant; and every half hour I'm in the bathroom to respackle!

Dee Dee:
So, Mr. Nash, big plans for the weekend?

Mr. Nash:
WHAT? What the hell kind of a question is that?

Dee Dee:
Just making conversation!

Mr. Nash:
You've been here 3 years, since when do we talk?

Dee Dee Lucas:
So I guess we found out that there's no relationship here.

Lyndon Knox:
You know, we never had a chance. We rushed into the whole thing.

Dee Dee:
Well, that's true! We only had sex once; we weren't ready for a date!

Lyndon:
Maybe we ought to sleep together for a couple of weeks and if things seem to be working and we're ready, we can take in a movie.

Dee Dee:
No pressure?

Lyndon:
I want this to work out. I can wait!

[on the telephone]

Lisa:
Yes, I'd like to order some flowers for my husband. Yeah, how much is the big "Please Forgive Me" bouquet?... Okay, how 'bout the small "Please Get Over It" bouquet?

Lisa:
I'm so glad you showed up! I've been trying to get away from this guy since before they began "Begin the Beguine!"

Kevin:
Oh, save it!

Lisa:
C'mon, honey, that was really hard to say!

Lisa:
So, the kids are asleep.

Kevin:
Great.

Lisa:
Anything good on tv?

Kevin:
Not really.

Lisa:
So, you wanna fight?

Kevin:
Yeah, why not?

Lisa:
I don't know, Kevin. This could throw the whole universe out of whack. Today, Kevin Hunter finishes a project; tomorrow, we're all slaves to a race of genius apes!

Mr. Nash:
Now, kindly take one of those pistols off the wall so I can kill you in self defense!

Lisa:
Way to go, Mr. Nash, you really destroyed her! If you were a girl, I'd call you "bitchy"!

Olivia:
Jerome, I can't remember when I've had such a good time. It makes me wish we'd gotten together back in law school.

Mr. Nash:
Well, I think my wife might have objected to that!

Tess:
What are you doing here?

Mr. Nash:
I'm beginning to wonder that myself. I'm meeting a lady.

Tess:
Is she bald, too?

Lisa:
Okay, honey, what did we say about being rude?

Tess:
That it was funny!

Principal Blair:
Your daughter violated our school policy on sexual harassment. Tess kissed a student on the playground today, against his wishes."

Lisa Hunter:
Oh, is that all? What a relief!

Principal Blair:
I'm suspending her for two days.

Lisa Hunter:
For kissing? At that rate, I'd still be suspended!

Lisa Hunter:
I looked up the board's policy on sexual harassment and I guess what you're saying is that Tess's kiss constituted unwanted intimate contact. If you could help me out here, unwanted intimate contact would be defined as what, like touching?

Mr. Beiber:
Yes, of course. Touching, grabbing, any sort of hostile or demeaning behavior.

Lisa Hunter:
I see. So if I could just humbly ask you people, what is a wedgie? Isn't that unwanted intimate contact? And my daughter tells me that sort of thing happens all the time. You're trying to apply adult sexual harassment policy to 8 year olds. Now come on, haven't you ever been on a playground? Unwanted touching and grabbing is all they do. Some people call it PLAYING!

Lisa Hunter:
Your grandpa was the greatest cop ever. He was like Baretta, Starsky, Hutch, McMillan AND wife, McCloud, all rolled into one. He was like Raymond Burr at the end: just one big ball of cop. You have no idea who I'm talking about, do you?

Tess Hunter:
Yes, I do. There's a cable channel that plays old peoples' TV.

Matt Youngster:
Well, I got stuck with the short end of the Secret Santa stick this year.

Lyndon Knox:
Wait a minute. Dee Dee and I drew each other, Lisa and Mr. Nash drew each other, so...

Matt Youngster:
Yeah, I got stuck with me. I got myself a home beer-making kit. I already have one at home, and I don't even DRINK.

Kevin Hunter:
Tess, did you know that no two snowflakes are exactly alike?

Lisa Hunter:
You know, I never understood the big deal everyone makes about that. I mean, no two cockroaches are exactly alike, either.

Lisa Hunter:
My Mom has a boyfriend? Well, if they come to visit, I'm making them sleep in the same bed. My house, my rules!

Connie Minardi:
Lisa, when will all the lies end?

Lisa Hunter:
Twelve-thirty-seven. Then we're gonna lie some more from two to four, followed by cocktails and more lying.

Lyndon Knox:
We have a relationship based on insulting each other. We both know the deal, Hunter, and no one gets hurt. And now you're crying? That's below the belt!

Lisa Hunter:
I'm sorry, Lyndon, I would never want to do anything to threaten our lack of friendship.

Connie Minardi:
You never knew the value of a dollar

Lisa Hunter:
Oh, yes I do! Ten dimes. Four quarters. Harder to make than it is to spend. Doesn't grow on trees. Go ahead, quiz me.

Jerome Nash:
Greeting all! Remember, only fifteen more shoplifting days til Christmas!

Lisa Hunter:
OH, MAN! Is it hot in here, or am I getting an early visit from the menopause fairy?

Lisa Hunter:
I just checked on the kids, they look so cute. I wish I could think of them as asleep and not just recharging. Tess was so adorable and she was all snuggled up with her hands under her face - she's so sweet and innocent.

Kevin Hunter:
She walked into the shower and saw the entire basketball team naked.

Tess Hunter:
Daddy, Tina Hobbs said you were getting canned, so I put gum in her hair. What's canned?

Lisa Hunter:
It's like summer vacation, except with $118 a month from the government.

Lyndon Knox:
You know, I never have to worry about getting a sitter when I go out of town. The beauty of being young and single is that I could go away forever and no one would miss me.

Lisa Hunter:
Oh, see how nice that works out - I'm too tired to insult you, so you do it yourself. Thank you! Hey in ten minutes, would you mind making fun of your shoes?

Lyndon Knox:
Alright, but I'm going skiing next week in Vermont, so you have to promise to call yourself "a loud-mouthed shrew."

Lisa Hunter:
Okay. Oh, how about "strident fish wife"?

Lyndon Knox:
Whatever works. I trust you.