Life with Derek

Theme:
It used to be my mother and my sister and me, a happy little family, and all right with me. When mom got married, that's when everything changed. Some things were lost, and others were gained. A new school, a new house, so many changes it makes my head spin. Now I've got a brother who gets under my skin. This is life with Derek. This is life with Derek. This is life with Lizzie, Edwin, George, Nora, Marti, and Casey. This is life with Derek. Livin' life with Derek.

[repeated line]

Casey MacDonald:
*Der-ek!*

Marti Venturi:
Two questions, when's dinner, can I have a pony?

[during an introduction]

Casey MacDonald:
Christmas is a time to celebrate peace and love. It's a time to give. [sighs] Unless you're Derek, in which case it's a time to celebrate yourself. Which is pretty much what he does all year long.

Aunt Madge:
I'm just sorry to be missing Derek. Tell me, what's it like to have such a wonderful older brother?

Edwin Venturi:
I have no idea.

Derek Venturi:
Senora? [raises hand]

Senora Sanchez:
Yes, Derek?

Derek Venturi:
May I please be expelled?

Casey MacDonald:
Oh, so it's my fault you're failing Spanish.

Derek Venturi:
Yeah, and thanks to you my parents might be sending me to private school.

Casey MacDonald:
What! That is SO unfair!

Derek Venturi:
I know!

Casey MacDonald:
When I wanted to go to private school, there wasn't money.

Derek Venturi:
Huh?

Derek Venturi:
Stinky Feet, a haiku by Casey McDonald: My feet are stinky. Foot spray deodorizes. Foul odour remains...

Emily:
[on the phone with Casey] Is that Derek? I was JUST watching him swim. Not that I was staring or anything.

Derek:
Is that Emily? Can you tell her to stop like, STARING at me when I swim?

Nora McDonald:
That settles it. We're the next door neighbors from Hell!

Nora McDonald:
Oh, great! We're the next door neighbours from Hell!

Marti Venturi:
I hit Dimmie!

George Venturi:
But it was an accident, right Marti?

Marti Venturi:
No Dimmie bugged me so I gave him the Ol' one, two!

Nora McDonald:
Marti that's terrible, you never hit someone.

Marti Venturi:
But Dimmie's a doofus!

George Venturi:
Marti upstairs now!

Marti Venturi:
Your mean!

George Venturi:
I'm sure Marti is very sorry...

Marti Venturi:
No i'm not! Cry baby!

Marti:
[sing-song] Casey loves Sammy.

[Casey ignores her and walks away]

Lizzie McDonald:
Big time.

[from video game]

Babe Raider:
You've heard of Raw Power? Well, this is Bra Power!

Lizzie McDonald:
[teasing] You L-U-V Sam!

Casey:
What? I do not!

[on Derek's posters of scantily-clad women]

Nora McDonald:
Derek, those women were half-naked.

Derek:
But art galleries are filled with pictures of *fully* naked women.

Edwin:
Really? Dude, let's go!

Edwin Venturi:
You can't tell me what to do because you're not a woman!

Derek Venturi:
Have you seen the new mailman?

Edwin Venturi:
Yeah, she's a chick!

Marti Venturi:
The mailman is a chicken?

Nora McDonald:
Casey, isn't that top a little tight?

Lizzie McDonald:
Why is your stomach showing?

Marti Venturi:
You look pretty!

Derek Venturi:
[reading the manifesto] Number one: no playing Babe Raider in the house.

Edwin Venturi:
Does the garage count as the house?

Derek Venturi:
Number two, The garage counts as the house!

Derek Venturi:
Casey plays Babe Radier... and she is good?

Sam:
Yeah, that's what I said. I was surprised to, but...

Derek Venturi:
No, stop, that is just insanity!

Casey McDonald:
I am a total hypocrite who cannot control her feelings. My heart says one thing and my head says another thing - and now I sound like a cheesy love song!

Casey McDonald:
Don't you understand how wrong this stuff is?

Derek Venturi:
Sounds like somebody's jealous of somebody else's double-D body armor.

Derek Venturi:
[after Nora threw out Derek's poster of a woman wearing a skirt, exposing her thong straps] What does taking down my posters have to do with equality?

Nora MacDonald:
There's a University essay I wrote on The Feminist Mystique. Maybe you'd like to read it.

Derek Venturi:
Sure. Anything else you'd like me to do for "the cause?"

Nora MacDonald:
Sure. You can clean up this mess and do the dishes.

Derek Venturi:
Consider it done [Nora walks away] Edwin, clean up this mess and do the dishes.

Edwin Venturi:
Hey, you can't tell me what to do because you're not a woman!

Sam:
[after Casey's rendition of Derek's song] Well, I... I liked it.

Casey MacDonald:
[with a shy smile] Thanks, Sam. That means a lot.

Derek Venturi:
Hey, Ralphie, wanna be my new best friend?

Ralph:
[gives Derek a thumbs up]

Casey MacDonald:
Is that why you hired me to be your frontwoman, so I could wear revealing clothes?

Sam:
No.

Derek Venturi:
Ew!

Ralph:
Yeah

Derek Venturi:
Dude, are those leather pants?

Ralph:
I wish. They're vinyl and they don't breathe. Ah, what are you guys wearing on Monday?

Sam:
Clothes... that breathe.

Casey McDonald:
[to Sam] You are so cute!

Emily:
[smirking] Thanks, you're pretty darn adorable yourself.

Casey McDonald:
You look rather handsome

Sam:
Yes I rather do

Casey MacDonald:
Ugh! Edwin, how long have you been here?

Edwin Venturi:
Since I was born.

Mr.Gilmour:
Everything okay at home?

Casey MacDonald:
No, Derek still lives there but that's not the problem.

George Venturi:
Marti what is this?

Marti Venturi:
A dog.

George Venturi:
And what does a dog say?

Marti Venturi:
Nothing dogs don't talk.

Edwin Venturi:
Kid's got a point.

George Venturi:
Okay. What does a dog sound like?

Marti Venturi:
Oh, a dog. Oink! Oink!

Derek Venturi:
[on Marti's cow toy] Quack, quack!

George Venturi:
What was that Marti?

Marti Venturi:
My cow quacked.

George Venturi:
Oh, your cow quacked. Nora!

Casey MacDonald:
Come on, it was a self-portrait. How does she know how I think I look.

Sam:
We could always work on the English project together.

Derek Venturi:
Thanks, but I don't think both of us failing is the answer.

Casey:
If you don't have a place for your toothbrush, then what exactly do you have?

Derek Venturi:
I amuse you, like a clown?

Casey McDonald:
Alright, Derek. You got me into this mess, you get me out.

Edwin Venturi:
Casey, speaking from experience, Derek doesn't respond to demands. He prefers the big yes-man, boot-licking approach.

[Casey is exasperated]

Casey McDonald:
Derek, you are the gu-ru of the sacred art of deceit. You and only you can help me in my hour of need. Please, oh Great Liar, take pity on my poor truthful soul.

[after explaining the concept of a crush to Marti]

Edwin:
So, Sam. You got a girlfriend?

Sam:
Um, no.

Marti:
I want Sam and Casey to crush on each other!

Sam:
Because Derek's my best friend. And there's this whole male code thing. Why am I telling you this?

Edwin:
Because we're both dudes. And Derek would pound me for saying this, but he's acting very un-dudelike,

Sam:
Dude. You think?

Derek:
[Telling Sam to talk to Casey] Now go before I find the mind I clearly have lost.

Lizzie McDonald:
[scoring the How Well Do You Know Your Kids quiz] Let's see, you didn't know my GYM teacher's name. You got Edwin's birthday wrong... day AND year.

George Venturi:
I was told there'd be no math.

Lizzie McDonald:
...And neither of you knew Derek's been stealing my tooth fairy money.

Nora McDonald:
Technically that wasn't part of the quiz.

Lizzie McDonald:
Fine, I won't count it. But that still gives you 2 out of 20. And any score less than 6, I'm supposed to call a social worker.

Derek:
Ok, I can't stop you two from going out but one request. Please no acting boyfriendy girlfriendy in front of me. I'd rather not puke in public.

Casey:
Agreed

Sam:
Agreed

Derek:
Oh and whoever is play footsy with my STOP

Casey, Sam:
Sorry

Derek Venturi:
Why are you yelling at me? Sam's the one who listened to me.

Casey MacDonald:
You're right. [pushes Sam down] What were you thinking listening to Derek?

Sam:
I don't know I'm an idiot.

Casey MacDonald:
Yeah that's why you two deserve each other, and I don't want to be the cause of ending a friendship between two idiots! [storms off]

Edwin Venturi:
[to Derek] Dude you are a lucky lady.

Casey McDonald:
Derek, you're wearing my clothes again.

[takes a double take]

Casey McDonald:
Wait, you really are wearing my clothes!

[Marti is eating her dinner under the table, pretending to be a cat]

Edwin Venturi:
Marti, my feet are wet. Did you spill milk under the table?

Marti Venturi:
It's not milk.

[Edwin looks up shocked and runs away screaming while Derek laughs his head off and Casey and Lizzie stare in disgust]

[Sandra arrives at the house]

Sandra:
[going in] Casey?

Casey McDonald:
[suprised] Sandra?

Derek Venturi:
[smiling] Sandra.

Sandra:
Derek, is Casey your girlfriend?

Edwin Venturi:
OK, maybe we should consider untying Derek 'cause you've, um, kinda freaked out Lizzie.

Teddy:
But we haven't broken him yet!

Edwin Venturi:
I didn't want to break him, I just wanted to get back at him!

[Kendra leaving, in happy tears]

Derek Venturi:
Kendra? You forgot to untie me.

Kendra:
[abruptly calm] No, I didn't.

[after Derek uses his prefect powers at home to make a bathroom schedule]

Casey MacDonald:
You're the prefect of the school not of our house!

[picks up a trash can]

Derek Venturi:
If you have a complaint, you can put it in my suggestion box.

George Venturi:
That couch has history! It's been in my family since I was a teenager! I had my first kiss on that couch

Derek Venturi:
Me too!

Edwin Venturi:
And I was GUNNA have my first kiss it!

Casey McDonald:
I never realized these things are so important to you men! Boys and girls are different, you know!

Derek Venturi:
Yeah, I found that out the fun way on our old couch.

Casey McDonald:
Girls are different than boys you know.

Derek Venturi:
Yeah, I found that out the fun way on our old couch.

Casey McDonald:
I shouldn't have pushed you into redecorating, Mom.

Derek Venturi:
Yeah, and Dad - Casey shouldn't have pushed Nora into it.

George Venturi:
That day was the happiest day of my life.

Derek Venturi:
Really?

George Venturi:
Yeah, I wanted that car for so long.

Derek Venturi:
Huh?

George Venturi:
And you being born was big too.

George Venturi:
The prince has been in this family for 16 years.

Derek Venturi:
Really, then the prince and I have a lot in common.

Casey MacDonald:
Were getting rid of you too?

Paul:
So this has brought you and Derek closer together?

Casey:
[smiling] Not at all! The worm is gonna squirm.

Paul:
You know if you give love, you get love.

Derek Venturi:
[pretending to be on the phone] Hello, world. Guess what Casey did.

Derek Venturi:
There's something I have to watch.

Casey McDonald:
Oh let me guess - sports or cleavage?

Derek Venturi:
Women's beach volleyball. Best of both worlds.

Casey McDonald:
To think in my time of need, you chose to save the remote over me!

Sam:
I've been doing push-ups and drinking milk... okay it's chocolate milk, but it still counts.

Kendra:
Oh My God, Marti you are so cute. I could Just eat you up!

Marti Venturi:
WHAT?

Derek Venturi:
Even if I could help, which I wouldn't she wouldn't accept my help which I'm not offering.

Casey McDonald:
I'd shake your hand but I'm...

Derek Venturi:
Sweaty and gross.

Sam:
You have a step-sister.

Derek Venturi:
It was a recent accident by marriage.

Marti Venturi:
What's an ox-bay?

Nora McDonald:
It's Pig Latin, honey.

Marti Venturi:
Pigs speak Latin?

Casey McDonald:
Ask Derek.

Derek Venturi:
I need you to do me a favor.

Corey:
Sure man, what is it?

Derek Venturi:
Cut Casey some slack.

Corey:
Why?

Derek Venturi:
'Cause she's my step-sister.

Corey:
No.

Derek Venturi:
Yes, afraid so.

Corey:
Well, don't sweat it man, I won't tell anyone.

Derek Venturi:
No, no, it's cool. Tell everyone, okay?

Marti Venturi:
What's an oxmay?

Nora MacDonald:
It's Pig Latin, Marti.

Marti Venturi:
Pigs speak Latin?

Casey MacDonald:
Ask Derek.

Emily:
How could you go to school without guys? Especially guys like him.

Nora McDonald:
No but new traditions are good for a new family don't you think

Derek Venturi:
How so?

Derek Venturi:
Sup.

Emily:
He has gotten cuter over the summer.

Marti Venturi:
I have an announcement! I'm not wearing socks!

Casey McDonald:
Can you please turn it down? Derek!

Derek Venturi:
Who are you?

Casey McDonald:
I'm the step-sister you've always wanted

Derek Venturi:
Really? 'Cause you look like the ugly stepsister from Snow White.

Casey McDonald:
That's Cinderella, you freak.

Casey McDonald:
You are one of the most annoying people I have ever met!

Derek Venturi:
I may be annoying, but at least I didn't try and trick you into changing rooms! Since when did the keener become the schemer?

Derek Venturi:
[in the bathroom] Do you mind?

Casey McDonald:
Uh, yeah, I was in here first.

Derek Venturi:
Well, suit yourself. [Casey simply looks gobsmacked and turns to leave the room]

Derek Venturi:
Are you INTERRRUPTING the director?

Casey McDonald:
Vicky, what kind of berries were those?

Vicki:
I don't know.Expensive ones.

Derek Venturi:
You know not to ever eat strange berries again. GOT IT SMARTY?

Marti Venturi:
Got it smerek.

Derek Venturi:
Don't talk to me, talk to Vicki!

Casey McDonald:
Casey: Well, you don't have to worry about me ruining your mother's wedding because I quit! And if I could quit being your cousin, I'd quit that too!

Casey McDonald, Vicki:
Vicky: Fine! Quit all you want! I don't want to be part the stupid wedding or your stupid wedding reception! I'm going to my room!

Lizzie MacDonald:
Lizzie: You don't live here!

Vicki:
Vicky: I'm going to your room!

Lizzie MacDonald:
Lizzie: Upstairs on the right!

Casey MacDonald:
Maybe ignorance is bliss. [pause] Maybe that's why Derek is so happy all the time.

Lucy:
Derek seems really sweet.

Casey MacDonald:
Yeah, no he's really not.